Tues, March 03
The federal govt. will launch a bus driver recruitment scheme in Melbourne. They’re hoping to distract us from the trains.
The New Media Summit in Sydney will take place tomorrow, presented in ice on the back of a beetle.
If you can’t make it to Sydney for tomorrow’s New Media Summit, tough. What, you expect some magical system where you can see presentations from all the way across the country? Dream on!
At tomorrow’s Reserve Bank board meeting they’ll probably decide not to cut interest rates further, as they’re running out of money.
The Reserve Bank’s board meeting will report that, yup, we’re screwed.
The Coast 2009 conference will take place in Perth, much to the shock of the locals, who didn’t think ANYTHING happened in Perth.
Tomorrow the ATM fees reform will take effect, meaning that you’ll be shown on screen exactly how much the banks are reaming you.
Wed, March 04
Wednesday’s Australian final of the World Monopoly championships will be won again by Rupert Murdoch.
Wednesday sees the Australian final of the World Monopoly championships collapse into disarray when all the pieces are tipped off the board by your younger brother before he storms off to his bedroom.
Wednesday’s Australian final of the World Monopoly championships will get off to a shaky start when everyone says they’d rather play Kerplunk. / Hungry Hungry Hippos.
The Australian Higher Education Conference will kick off in Canberra, with a champagne breakfast and a pub crawl.
The Australian Higher Education Conference will be held in Canberra. Let’s hope it rubs off.
Jenny Macklin will give an update on the govt’s indigenous policy. Apparently, they have one.
Jenny Macklin will give an update on the govt’s indigenous policy. Turns out “sorry” wasn’t enough after all.
Jenny Macklin will give an update on the govt’s indigenous policy in Melbourne. Apparently, now that they’ve covered “sorry”, they’re moving on to “thank you”, “you’re welcome” and “the rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain”.
The Bureau of Statistics will release the national account figures and hope it never has to see them again.
The Bureau of Statistics will release the national account figures as a shit sandwich: “These chairs are very comfortable, we’re all screwed, nice hat.”
Fri, March 06
Friday’s International Women’s Day breakfast will be the unfortunate hit of the Brisbane comedy festival.
Brisbane Comedy Festival will kick off with the one about Baranaby Joyce and the three abbos.
Friday’s Craft Fest 2009 in Sydney will show you how to make an iPod out of macrame, a videophone out of macaroni spray-painted silver, and connect to the internet with papier mache.
Winner of the 2009 Archibald Prize will be announced, though rather than choosing a flawless entry I hear they’re favouring ones with a poor trait.
Melbourne’s Moomba Waterfest will this year feature a spectacular five and a half litres!
Melbourne’s Moomba Waterfest will be replaced by the festival of fire.
Melbourne’s Moomba Waterfest will be entirely used up trying to survive the bushfires.
Sat, March 07
ICC Women’s Cricket World Cup. Same as regular cricket, but no balls.
Sun, March 08
Sunday is International Women’s Day. Sounds hot.
Brisbane will host the Green Cities Expo. Though bringing all those cities in from overseas may emit just a little greenhouse gas.
Brisbane will host the Green Cities Expo. Maybe at long last we’ll get to see Atlantis.
Brisbane will host the Green Cities Expo, including a demonstration of a whole city being powered by floodwater.
Brisbane’s Green Cities Expo will play host to both Penny Wong and Peter Garrett acting as if they’re interested.
Brisbane will host the Green Cities Expo. Apparently the greenest city is still Amsterdam. Man.
Charles & Camilla will begin their tour of Chile, Ecuador and Brazil. And you haven’t lived until you’ve seen a photo of Camilla posing with a Brazilian.
Mon, March 09
Next Monday on the Gold Coast is National Conference on Caring. Phh, who cares? / Whatever.
Barbie will turn 50 – but it’s clear she’s had some work done.
Barbie will turn 50. I reckon she’s definitely had some plastic surgery.
On Monday, Barbie will turn 50 and they’ll release a celebratory doll: MILF Barbie. / Purple-rinse Barbie. / Menopause Barbie.
Barbie’s 50th birthday party will be spoilt by a bunch of Bratz. / when Ken runs off with a Bratz doll.
