Tues, May 27
On Tuesday it’s 3 years since Schapelle Corby was convicted of drug trafficking, and she’ll drown her sorrows with a mug of filthy prison wine. It’s made from real fermented rats!
It’s three years since Schapelle Corby was convicted, and Aussie backpackers everywhere will swear off marijuana and get onto untrialled experimental drugs.
Shiloh Jolie Pitt will turn 2, and as a special present, will get to adopt a foreign kiddie of her very own!
Angelina is currently expecting twins. Although she’s got a pretty nice pair already.
Wed, May 28
And on Wednesday, Kylie will turn 40, but I’d still bang her. (I should be so lucky.)
Thurs, May 29
On Thursday, the IMAX premiere of the new Rolling Stones’ concert film, “Shine A Light”, will take place in Sydney, causing mass panic – Keith Richards’ face was never meant to be seen that big. / up that close. / was never meant to be the size of a building.
On Thursday, the IMAX premiere of the new Rolling Stones’ concert film, “Shine A Light”, will take place in Sydney, to universal dismay – projected that large, Keith Richard’s face looks like the surface of the moon, made from old camel-leather.
To celebrate the 55th anniversary of Hillary conquering Everest, there’ll be a massive party on top. Strict dress code, formal only. / Unfortunately only two people can get in at a time.
It’s 55 years since Hillary conquered Everest. A remarkable feat, though nothing compared to what it’ll take for Hillary to conquer the White House. / It’s 55 years since Hillary conquered Everest. Now she just needs to conquer the White House.
On Thursday, it’ll be 55 years since Edmund Hillary climbed Mt Everest, and Everest Hillary mounted Edmund’s wife.
On Thursday, the list of Australia’s richest 200 people will be announced, followed by the list of Australia’s 200 poorest, 200 hungriest, and 200 most down-and-out, and then everyone will just go home and cry.
On Thursday, John Howard will open a recycling plant in New York. The irony of John Howard opening a recycling plant is only outdone by the irony of opening it in the world’s most polluting country.
John Howard will be opening a recycling plant in New York. He’ll be recycling his ideas that global warming is fictional and the environment can look after itself.
Fri, May 30
At Friday’s Queensland Liberal Party convention in Brissie, the big discussion topic will be whether to merge with the National Party, or to just go off somewhere and die.
At Friday’s Queensland Liberal Party convention in Brissie, the main topics will be how to get some powdered pig’s bladder pixie dust, and if it’s possible to regrow their relevance.
Sat, May 31
Saturday is World No Tobacco Day – for one day, you gotta smoke em green.
Saturday is World No Tobacco Day, but the tobacco corporations are hitting back, with Sunday declared World Pack-a-Day Day.
On Saturday, the “Idol” auditions in Sydney will see one performer entirely grown from pig’s bladder powder. She’ll sing them a song by Amy Swinehouse. / Her singing will be great, but she’ll dance like she’s got two left trotters. / Her singing and dancing will impress the judges, but not as much as her smoky flavour. / but not as much as her crackling. / Her performance will be crackling. / She’ll be hot-to-trotters.
It’ll be one year since the “Do Not Phone” call register began – and I haven’t called them once.
Saturday marks one year since the “Do Not Phone” call register began, and 6 months since the inception of the “Go Away And Leave Me Alone” call register. / “Fuck Off And Die” call register.
One year on, stats show the “Do Not Phone” call register is losing popularity, and they decide to start calling people to badger them into signing up.
Sun, June 01
On Sunday, it’s the “Queenslander Of The Year award”. Looks like this year it’ll be Kevin Rudd, or Bingo the one-tonne hog – third year running. / again.
On Sunday, it’s the “Queenslander Of The Year award”. And we all know, it’s gunna be that massive pineapple again. They just love that thing.
And on Sunday, Jason Donovan will turn 40, but I’d still bang him. (Especially for you.)
The Federal Liberal Party executive meeting will conclude that Brendan Nelson doesn’t just need a stylist, but a hairdresser, makeup crew and forehead surgeon.
On Sunday, Erica & James Packer are expecting the birth of their first child, “Fudge”. / “Al”. / “Fruit”. / “Acca Dacca”.
On Sunday, Erica & James Packer are expecting the birth of their first child, entirely grown from crushed up pig’s bladder. Oh, it’s not that new technology – it’s just the Packer way.
