Tues, April 29
And on Tuesday, 238 years after Captain James Cook dropped his anchor in Botany Bay, several snorklers will find it.
Jackie Kelly’s husband and other Liberal Party members involved in the fake election flyer scandal will do a listening tour of Sydney’s courts.
In Sydney, disgraced Liberals will appear in court over the fake-election-flyer scandal, and will be convicted when they present several fake witnesses.
In Sydney, disgraced Liberals will appear in court over the fake-election-flyer scandal, and will be convicted when all their witnesses are found to just be party members wearing fake moustaches. / wigs. / Groucho Marx glasses.
Archbishop George Pell launches his new book tomorrow. It’s basically just a reprint of the Bible with all the sexist and anti-gay bits in bold / capitals / highlighted with a texta.
Wed, April 30
A New Zealand court will see Nai Xin Xue, the father of “Pumpkin”, up on charges of murdering his wife. The little girl’s lucky she didn’t become “Jack-o-lantern”.
On Wednesday, the father of “Pumpkin” will appear in a New Zealand court on murder charges against his wife “Aubergine”. He will insist he was just trying to tenderise her for a dip he was making. / was just following the recipe.
This week, Darwin’s International Paediatric & Child Health conference is where to score the best drugs.
Thurs, May 01
Next Thursday, an inquiry into euthanasia laws will confirm that people do have a right to die if their lives aren’t worth living, but that they shouldn’t take the whole Liberal Party with them. / but maybe they could try handing the leadership over to Malcolm Turnbull instead.
The income tax cuts review will report to the Senate, concluding that it’ll be poor for the economy and interest rates, but that a promise is a promise so suck on that, Ruddy.
This week, Canberra’s Techfest 2008 is where to score the best drugs.
This week’s Future Of Journalism conference will turn out to be on next week.
The Future Of Journalism conference will determine that in the future, most quality journalism will be published on the back of bikies’ heads. / tattooed onto peoples’ heads for money.
Fri, May 02
Friday’s Walk Safely To School Day will be a huge success when paedophiles and abductors agree to take the day off out of respect.
Walk Safely To School Day unfortunately coincides with Reckless Driving Day.
Walk Safely To School Day unfortunately coincides with Cannibal Day, resulting in several fatalities, but a very tasty pie.
Walk Safely To School Day unfortunately coincides with the release of Croczilla…
The 2008 Urban Country Music Festival will get off to a shaky start when they realise there’s no such thing as Urban Country Music.
The 2008 Urban Country Music Festival will be held, just as soon as they can find a location in the urban country.
Sat, May 03
On Saturday, World Press Freedom Day will go unreported…
On Saturday, it’ll be World Press Freedom Day – for some reason, I can’t find any stories on it.
Saturday’s World Press Freedom Day will be mysteriously cancelled.
To celebrate World Press Freedom Day, Robert Mugabe will release any journalists who admit that he actually did win the election.
The 2008 ALP National Conference will be an unbearable chorus of self-congratulatory back-slapping. Wake me when it’s over.
The Australian Charity Wine Auction will held on Saturday, with the finest second-cheapest casks and bottom shelf Grandevino being passed on to those who appreciate it most.
The Australian Charity Wine Auction will hopefully sell off the biggest charity whiners.
Sun, May 04
The Logies will look a little different this year, with the latest red carpet fashions including silicone head implants, face tattoos and some stunningly revealing outfits on camels.
The Logies will look a little different this year, with the entire night only being broadcast as a series of tattoos on some guy’s face.
Mon, May 05
New South Wales’ Labour Day will be ruined by corruption. / will be spoiled by a buncha slackers taking the day off.
Melbourne’s Enviro ’08 conference & exhibition will be cancelled due to extreme depression.
The Enviro ’08 conference & exhibition will gather the most miserable people in the world for a gigantic whinge. / to “Whinge for the World”.
Melbourne’s Enviro ’08 conference & exhibition will be cancelled when it rains, causing all the lights to go out and the pavilions to disintegrate.
