Tues, May 06
The latest meeting of the Reserve Bank will confirm that people think they’re too boring, prompting them to replace the word “Reserve” with “Party Animal”. / rename themselves “Bank In-Your-Face”.
Tomorrow’s Reserve Bank meeting will result in another interest rate rise due to inflation caused by the price of Budget dinners.
Tomorrow brings yet another chapter in the never-ending battle by Barack Obama and Hilary Clinton to make each other look less electable than a senile twit. / than that Texan fucktard who everyone hates.
Kylie will return to the stage in Paris – and Paris will return to the stage in Kylie.
Kylie will return to the stage in Paris – much to the heiress’s delight.
Kylie will return to the stage in Paris – and the hot video will crash servers around the world.
Kylie returns to the stage tomorrow in an attempt to finally step out of the shadow of her sister.
Wed, May 07
An inquiry into the Indigenous Emergency Response will report that perhaps next time we could do something to help them, rather than just turning the place into an oppressive police state. But, you know, baby steps…
An inquiry into the National Broadband Network will report that, soon, every household in Australia will have equal access to penis extensions, fake Rolexes, and a million dollars bequeathed by a dying Niberian billionaire. But you must act today!
An inquiry into the National Broadband Network will report that every household in Australia will – …and we’re still waiting for the rest.
An inquiry into the National Broadband Network will report on Wednesday. Although the connection will be down, and the file will turn out to be corrupt, as will the inquiry.
On Wednesday, the National Press Club will conduct a debate on gender equality – or as they call it, ‘Topless Wednesday’.
The National Press Club will debate the merits of gender equality, while their wives serve drinks and nibblies.
The National Press Club will host a debate on gender equality: no fat chicks.
Vladimir Putin will hand over the Russian presidency to Dimitri Medvedev. Apparently it’s 70% proof!
On Wednesday, Vladimir Putin will hand over the Russian presidency to Dimitri Medvedev. But don’t worry, Putin’s brutally efficient hand will still be on the tiller.
On Wednesday, it’ll be 10 years since Apple released the first iMac, the world’s first Scottish computer. Not only does it have a sporran interface, but it runs on haggis. Aye, mac, that it does.
To celebrate a decade of the iMac, Apple supremo Steve Jobs will admit that he thinks it’s a stupid iName and people should get an iLife.
Thurs, May 08
Sydney will host a conference on Happiness & Its Causes. How depressing.
Sydney’s “Happiness & Its Causes” conference will be busted by the cops, who will arrest all the happy folk and confiscate the causes. / and confiscate 3 kilos of causes. / and confiscate 3 kilos of street-grade causes.
Sydney’s “Happiness & Its Causes” conference will be shut down by someone calling themselves “The Grinch”.
Sydney’s “Happiness & Its Causes” conference will conclude that the main cause is no more John Howard.
In Sydney on Thursday, Kevin Rudd will open the new Fairfax Media building. All the journos will be there, so long as they can afford the $2000.
The Gold Coast will play host to the Gospel Music Association conference. Because when I think Gospel Music, I think Gold Coast! / meter maids!
Thursday will see the Gospel Music Association hold a conference on the Gold Coast – renamed the “God Coast” for the day.
Fri, May 09
On Friday, “Idol” auditions begin in Melbourne. I hope he does “White Wedding”.
The Reserve Bank will release their statement of monetary policy: “let’s get as much of it as we can off those shitty little homebuying scum”.
The Reserve Bank statement of monetary policy will be released with a hail of gunfire, a huge explosion, and a car chase. This action hero thing has to stop.
Brisbane will host the World Expo 88” 20th anniversary charity dinner, and as a special memorial, you’ll have to queue for hours. / they’ll have overpriced lacklustre attractions at the forefront of 80’s technology that you won’t be able to actually see because the queue goes around the block.
Brisbane will hold a “World Expo 88” 20th anniversary charity dinner. Still the high point for Brisbane there. / Talk about living in the past.
The Climate Change Symposium in Canberra will conclude that, fuck, it’s freezing here, bring it on.
Sat, May 10
And Saturday’s Parliament House open day! Wow! As if Canberra wasn’t already exciting enough!
And Saturday’s Parliament House open day! Of course, ‘open’ as in ‘it’ll cost you 2 grand’.
Saturday will be Parliament House’s open day, which is an excellent chance for wannabe citizens to bone up on their citizenship test. They’ll even have a stump-jump plough for you to… do… whatever it is you do with one.
Saturday will be Parliament House’s open day, which is an excellent chance for wannabe citizens to navigate their way through the citizenship test. Though of course, they’ll have to navigate their way through Canberra first.
Sun, May 11
And Sunday’s the 100th anniversary of Mothers’ Day. And what better way to celebrate than by getting smacked in the teeth by your kickboxing toddler? / than by chucking your toddler out the window?
To celebrate the 100th Mothers’ Day, postal workers worldwide will deliver cards, flowers, chocolates and the occasional baby.
Sunday is the 100th anniversary of Mothers’ Day, and boy is she tired.
