Tues, July 08
Nicole Kidman could give birth any day now, and this time she’s allowed to make noise! / her first completely human birth.
Nicole Kidman is due to give birth soon. They’re hoping it’ll be a man-kid.
The Australian Teachers Education conference will be held on the Sunshine Coast, confusing many of the teachers, who aren’t used to seeing so much sunshine, and start thinking they’re on yard duty.
The Sunshine Coast will see the Australian Teachers Education conference – it’s like Schoolies for Teachers! / it’s Schoolies Senior!
Kevin Bacon turns 50, which is quite old for bacon.
Kevin Bacon turns 50. Let’s hope he’s cured.
Kevin Bacon turns 50 – his foot is now not only loose, but arthritic.
Kevin Bacon turns 50. He’s now not just Footloose, but Hipdinky.
Kevin Bacon turns 50. No longer so Footloose, but his hips are a bit wobbly.
Kevin Bacon will turn 50 – mmm, vintage Bacon.
Kevin Bacon will turn 50, and will have magnificent party surrounded by his old friends Kevin Eggs and Kevin Fried-Tomatoes-on-Toast.
Wed, July 09
Bob Brown will appear at the National Press Club in Canberra, singing all his hits, from “My Prerogative” to “Every Little Step I Take”.
Bob Brown will speak at the National Press Club, although he’ll insist that the press be replaced by a juicer.
Pamela Anderson will enter the “Big Brother” house on the Gold Coast, but, disappointingly for the fucktards inside, doesn’t strip off and rub them all with her breasts, no matter how hard they beg.
Pamela Anderson will enter the “Big Brother” house and show everyone her Big Brothers.
Thurs, July 10
The Future Of Federalism conference in Brisbane will conclude there really isn’t such a word as “federalism”.
Schapelle Corby will turn 31, and will celebrate with a big fat joint, made of hay, rat-fur and her own faeces.
Schapelle Corby turns 31, and will celebrate with an extra-long scratch on her cell wall.
Fri, July 11
The National Photography Festival will kick of in Canberra. They’ve discovered that Canberra’s the perfect place to hold it – if they hold it anywhere else, everyone’s too distracted by all the cool things to take photos of. Not in Canberra… / perfect place to hold it – no photogenic distractions.
Friday will see the iPhone get launched, at the wall after it fails to work properly.
The ‘World Skills Australia’ competition kicks off in Sydney, with a thorough display of ‘Sydney Skills’ -everything from ‘actually catching public transport’, to ‘surviving the maze of one-way streets’. / everything from ‘developing extreme pretentiousness’ to ‘acting like a snotty-nosed prick’.
The Brisbane Organic Roadshow will begin, held on Brisbane’s very finest organic roads. They’re made from pumpkin rinds!
Sat, July 12
Saturday’s “Faith On Film” festival will be followed by a special festival devoted to Gordon Ramsey: “Fuck On Film”.
The “Faith On Film” festival will kick off in Sydney, with a premiere of the movie “He May Be An Old Nazi Who’s Out Of Touch With Reality, But He’s Still The Pope To Me.”
The ‘Camel Cup’ in Alice Springs will be held on Saturday. The best hump wins – and you don’t even need a camel!
The ‘Camel Cup’ in Alice Springs will be held on Saturday. It’s one of the few occasions when it’s acceptable to enter a camel.
The ‘Camel Cup’ in Alice Springs will be held on Saturday. Followed by the “Camel-toe Cup” afterwards at the pub.
Sun, July 13
Diabetes Awareness Week begins on Sunday. Just letting you know, as this week is Diabetes Awareness Week Awareness Week.
This Sunday sees the start of Diabetes Awareness Week, just so you’re aware.
This Sunday sees the start of Diabetes Awareness Week. Diabetes is said to be thrilled to be finally acknowledged.
On Sunday the Pope arrives in Australia… whatever you do, don’t annoy him.
On Sunday the Pope arrives in Australia, and I won’t say anything more on the subject in case it annoys someone.
The International Legal Ethics conference will be held on the Gold Coast, attracting hundreds of misguided eagles from all over the world.
And Sunday commemorates 100 years since women were allowed into the modern Olympic Games! The day will be celebrated with a fine display of men prancing around with ribbons.
And Sunday commemorates 100 years since women were allowed into the modern Olympic Games! And not only were they welcomed to the Olympics, they were encouraged to bring a plate.
