The Church of England has launched a new “two-in-one” wedding and baptism service, allowing you to tie the knot and the cord in one go.
Of course, it can be quite confronting listening to any prayer that begins “Dear Lord Jesus, please forgive these slutty fornicators and their bastard spawn…”
The only downside is that child must be baptised with the words “bastard child, spawn of sin”. (Which can bring the mood of a wedding down.)
And if you can say “two all-body wafers, bloody wine, crosses, knees, blessings, prayers in a holy cathedral”, you’ll receive the Eucharist free!
Not only are the two services bundled together, but if you pay a dollar more, you can get extra fries and a thickshake.
The wedding/baptism combo deal also comes with free wafers and wine.
And if you’re in a hurry for salvation, the combo is available from a drive-thru bishop. / Next, they plan to introduce a drive-thru.
It’s good that they have bundled the two services together. After all, God is meant to be all-powerful – he can probably handle it.
Of course, it’s no problem for God. Surely, if He can create the entire universe in a week, he can marry and baptise at once.
The happy couple can even have their own baptisms thrown in too. It’s less of a wedding and more of an all-in bath.
It’s good to see the Anglican church willing to take in actual bastards as well as the metaphorical variety.
It’s the first time the church has offered a discount for sin that isn’t just for the clergy.
The church says they are asking for one break with tradition – the bride will have to wear foetal red. / black.
The bride will still be allowed to wear white, but only if the dress is covered in cum-stains.
They even throw in a discount voucher for your divorce.
At least this way you can have your children, then get married and stop having sex, as is God’s natural order.
The Bishop of Fulham said the new liturgy was “silly”, suggesting “It was a pity they have not put in a funeral for grandma as well.” He’s just having no luck burying the old crone.
Evangelical Anglicans have condemned the idea as “nutty”. As opposed to a couple’s love for one another needing to be approved by an invisible superhero, or a baby needing to be dunked screaming into an indoor birdbath.
At least if you get your wedding and baptism in one, you’ve only got to go to church once. (At least until you die.)
The church says once you’ve been “hatched and matched”, you can scratch your catch’s snatch.
Asked his opinion, God said, “Whatever. Like I care.”
