An Amsterdam council have decreed to clamp down on dogs off leads in one of the city’s most famous parks, while allowing couples to have sex. Yes, public sex is now allowed in the park, but not if it’s doggy-style.
And dogs are allowed to have sex only if they’re on a lead.
Of course, people who want to have sex with dogs will still be forced to do it at home.
Dogs are only allowed in the park if they have sex. And it has to be human-style.
Of course, people are only allowed to have sex if their owners clean up after them. / if they’re on a lead.
And you’re only allowed to do it doggy-style if you’re on a lead.
People are also allowed to shit in the park, but only if they carry their faeces home in a little plastic bag.
The Amsterdam parliament quickly passed the legislation, then rushed down to the park to shag like monkeys. / rushed down to the park for some hot action. / rushed down to the park to watch the duckies. / rushed down to the park to set up video cameras.
The Amsterdam parliament passed the legislation, then all went down to the 7/11 with a bad case of the munchies.
The councillors were unanimous. It’s not so much that they want to watch unbridled sex in the park, but watching dogs being tied up gets them hot.
Couples aren’t allowed to bonk near the play-equipment. That’s strictly for oral sex and handjobs.
Couples aren’t allowed to bonk near the play-equipment. They’re encouraged to instead use the fuck-equipment.
Couples aren’t allowed to bonk near the play-equipment. When kiddies are on the seesaw, they shouldn’t have to seesaw that.
After all, many people just come to the park to see a little bit of bush.
You’re unlikely to get mugged in the Vondelpark – but you might get vondled. / So now dogs won’t bother you in the Vondelpark – but you might get vondled.
The councillors claim that public sex isn’t a nuisance to other visitors to the park. In fact, it’s only really a nuisance to people who aren’t getting any sex.
Couples fornicating in the park doesn’t bother the councillors. It’s using the park for innocent recreation that really shits them. / It’s all that damn kite-flying. / It’s all the innocent fun. / It’s all the damn frolicking. / It’s when they shit all over the footpath. / It’s when they don’t invite the council. / It’s when they play on the slide without out mopping up.
Dogs will still be allowed in the ShittinUndPissinPark.
Different areas of the park allow different kinds of sexual relations. If you enter the park from the front, you’re allowed foreplay and vaginal penetration. For anything else, you have to use the rear entrance. / For anal, use the rear entrance.
The park gets ten million visitors a year. They expect the number to rise to twenty million.
Perhaps the streets and streets of legal brothels are running out of room.
Homeless winos really have never had it so good.
Dogs are only allowed off the leash if they hump your leg through to climax.
Councillors describe off-the-leash dogs as a nuisance. Particularly if they sniff your arse just as you’re coming. / Particularly if you mistake that friendly licking in the dark.
The councillors say that off-the-leash dogs are a nuisance, but couples having sex aren’t. Except to the dogs.
The town alderman said the public sex gives a lot of pleasure to a certain group of people. In fact, two groups: exhibitionists and voyeurs.
The town alderman said the public sex gives a lot of pleasure to a certain group of people. Town aldermen. / Town councillors.
The town alderman said “Why should we oppose a rule on something you can’t oppose a rule on?” Those Dutch speak a lot of languages, it’s not surprising they don’t always make sense.
The police institute said regulating sex made it easier to keep homosexuals safe from “queer bashers”. In fact the plan is to use the park as bait. / Of course, the park will still be full of “bishop bashers.” / Of course, the park will still be full of people bashing the bishop.
A council spokesmen said “When the dogs are not kept on a leash they pee on whatever they see. And not everyone’s into bestial golden showers.”
A council spokesmen said “When the dogs are not kept on a leash they pee on whatever they see. And they mostly see people rutting.”
