An online magazine has published workout tips for Islamic extremists planning jihad. Because even suicide bombers want to leave a good looking corpse. Well, bits of one.
Because if you believe blowing yourself up is a holy cause, you might as well fully embrace being a meathead.
Because why should being a braindead meathead be restricted to western soldiers?
Normally the way they blast away their flab is literally.
Of course, it’s not hard to diet in Afghanistan – pretty much all the food places have been blown to shit. / there’s nowhere left you can get food.
Of course, it’s not hard to diet in Afghanistan – it’s not like there’s a Maccas on every corner, is it…
Their biggest weight-loss tip is to stop eating at Maccas, and start facing Meccas.
Sure, you’re going to end up blowing yourself up, but you still want to leave good-looking shreds of burnt flesh.
Because it takes a real man to satisfy 72 virgins. / Because, if you’ve got 72 virgins coming to you, you’d better get into shape.
But don’t get TOO fit. You wouldn’t want to, you know, survive.
It warns against visiting “un-Islamic” gyms with their “music, semi-naked women, free mixing and the danger of showing off”. You’d run a real risk of regaining the will to live.
The article warns against visiting “un-Islamic” gyms with their “semi-naked women”. Because if you can see hot chicks on Earth, what’s the hurry to get into Virginville?
Jihadist gyms have strict policies: pork-free dumbbells, exercise bikes that face Mecca, and strictly no lycra.
Good grief, we’re having enough difficulty fighting the unfit jihadists. / So this whole time, we’ve been fighting the UNFIT ones? Holy shit… / We’re in trouble…
But why wouldn’t jihadists want to get fit? After all, you don’t want to die from a stroke or heart disease when you could be going out in a destructive fireball of jihadist fury.
Of course, you haven’t lived until you’ve seen bin Laden in a leotard and legwarmers.
If you don’t want to leave your cave, get the DVD: Osamacise! / al-Qaedacise! / Suicidacise!
But an obese terrorist would be more terrifying than a fit one – imagine the damage you could do with all those lumps of boiling fat when you explode!
But of course, there will always be those jihadists who don’t really want to get fit. And for them, the magazine recommends explosives-vests with slimming stripes.
There are also diet tips emphasising eating dry crackers and dates, drinking water and blowing yourself into extremely thin shreds. / low-fat smithereens.
I’m assuming extreme Islamic beefcake is Halal…
But if you take away the music, the competition, and the hot chicks from working out, all you’re left with is the grunting and sweat. (Which is no different from prayer-time.)
Build up those biceps and triceps to help them piece you back together with forceps.
Jihadists are advised to keep in shape so that they can “strike hard” against their enemies. Though you have to be pretty fit to face up to a tank. / It’s either that or blow yourself up.
The only problem with exercising while completely covered in robes and scarves is you have no idea if it’s doing any good.
Instead of sit-ups, they do blow-ups.
Jihadist gyms – they put the “abs” in “absolutism”.
Of course, in extremist Islamic workouts, they never refer to biceps – they’re refered to as infidelceps. Because Allah can’t stand anything that’s bi.
Another way for an Islamic extremist to lose a few kilos is to just have a shave. / take off the explosive vest.
And of course, you’ll never see their six-pack. Because it’s actually a flagon of plain unflavoured water.
But it’s a bit late for Gunatanamo Bay inmates. They could really have done with some exercise tips for their hour outside.
The magazine warns against visiting ‘un-Islamic’ western gyms, where you are likely to be ostracised due to your white robes, scarf-wrapped head and bombpack.
They’re encouraged not to use traditional weights, because of their scarcity on the front lines. They prefer you use the severed heads of your enemies. / of the infidels.
The article suggests you don’t use weights and diet on dry crackers, dates and water. There’s no reason why getting fit can’t still be a time of needless self-deprivation. / Just because you’re getting in shape doesn’t mean you have to stop depriving yourself.
Jihadists are “encouraged to take long walks” to stay fit. NOO! By blowing up their tanks, we’re just making them stronger!
And the jihadist gyms will be perfect for holy war against the YMCA!
