A man described as Australia’s biggest nerd has had a microchip, which automatically opens his front door, injected into his left arm. Unfortunately when the system breaks down he has to have his arm replaced. / he has to call an armsmith. / an arms dealer.
A man described as Australia’s biggest nerd has had a microchip, which automatically opens his front door, injected into his left arm. He would’ve used his right arm, but it’s already full of USB ports. / it’s already full of analogue gear. / it’s not compatible. / his right arm is still using Windows98.
He should have put it in his leg. That’s a lot easier to reboot.
Unfortunately, when there’s a blackout, he has to reboot the entire house. / he can’t even open the window. / his arm goes to sleep.
He’s got his keys in his arm, which unfortunately means if he does lock his keys in the house, he’s been amputated.
He’s got an electronic key in his arm, which means if he’s ever unlucky enough to lock his keys in his car, at least he’s in there with them.
It’s all so interconnected that he can actually drive his car while he showers, hang up the washing while he’s interstate, and download porn while he’s having sex!
His kitchen is also hooked up to the internet – unfortunately, now all he eats is spam.
But one virus and his house tries to reformat the entire family. / his kitchen starts deleting all his food. / and his bathroom starts deleting all the towels.
Best of all, he can download ringtones to the shower! / microwave! / his lounge suite!
Wow! It’s like this guy’s living in the 21st Century! Whoo-ooo!
Unfortunately he’s had to get a new wife – his latest upgrade wasn’t backwards compatible.
He can even set his house so it can run itself. In fact he’s now completely obsolete. / In fact, now he’s completely obsolete. His wife is currently shopping around for an upgrade.
Of course, if his family want to get in they have to borrow his arm.
The chip has other benefits: when the kids want to borrow the car, they have to take him along.
An unexpected benefit of getting the implant is he can now take blood tests by WiFi.
When he invites friends over, it’s always BYO microchipped arm.
They’re such an internet-connected family. His wife’s bra is even wireless.
Oxer’s wife says that he’s a trophy husband, which is a benefit of installing the trophy husband software in her.
Oxer’s wife says that he’s a trophy husband, but if she wants him to be something else, she just needs to change programs.
Oxer’s wife is proud of him, especially since he implanted her with happy hardware.
Oxer knows his wife is proud of him. He downloaded her emotional state.
Sure, getting the toaster to talk to the shower hasn’t proved useful as such, but now they’re the best of friends!
Jonathon Oxer’s entire house is interconnected, including the curtains, doors, lights, windows, doorbells and shower, and it can all be controlled with a mobile phone. He’s just got to be careful they don’t all team up and decide to control him via his embedded chip! No – imagine being a slave to a window’s bidding! / What kind of cruel master would a toaster-oven be? / The horror of being ordered around by a vacuum-cleaner!
His embedded chip is two-way – he can control his house, but his house can control him. For instance, if it’s a sunny day, he finds himself automatically hanging up the washing.
His embedded chip is two-way – he can control his house, but his house can control him. Sometimes the shower has him scrubbing it clean for hours. His video-player likes to make him watch hours of TV he has no interest in. And his doorbell makes him yell “Someone’s at the door!” every time someone presses its button.
But even checking the mail can sometimes be difficult. “Open the letterbox, HAL.” “I’m afraid I can’t do that for you John.”
Having your house so cyber-connected comes with its own problems. More than once he’s caught his house downloading hardcore restumping videos, and once he walked in on his curtains reading drape-fantasies. / watching lacey foreign tulle. / watching a drape getting a new racy pelmet.
Having your house so cyber-connected comes with its own problems. His curtains recently had an internet romance with someone who claimed to be a rich velvet drape, but turned out to actually be a pair of Venetian blinds.
Having your house so full of artificial intelligence comes with its own problems – he recently found his wife in bed with his doona.
Apparently his house has only one weakness – and to get to it, you have to fly your X-Wing right up close, and drop your photon torpedos down the ventilation shaft.
Asked for the practical uses of having his car talk to his house, John said that he really wanted all of his inanimate objects to get along. / John said “well, nothing’s going to come out of them giving each other the silent treatment, is it.”
His projects are driven by the challenge of making them actually work, and any practical benefits only become clear once he’s finished. He’s still working on his Giant Bag of Inflatable Cheese, and is yet to have put the finishing touches on his Vibrating Yellow Moose. / Seaworthy Steam Hat. / Floating Paper Apple Warmer. / Microscopic Yacht. / Yak-friendly Bottle-wipe. / Triple Bean-Stacking Shade Flipper.
Next, he plans to make something of use to society.
He could have gone for the old-fashioned retinal scan, but he really wanted a key he could take intravenously.
Next, he plans on designing an MP3 player he can inject in his leg. Funky!
