A Japanese man is hoping to get a million signatures on a petition to establish a law allowing people to marry cartoon characters. Though not cartoon animals – that would be weird.
But it raises all sorts of issues. Can he marry Minnie Mouse? Does she have to divorce Mickey first? And does that qualify as bestiality?
But it raises all sorts of issues. Can animated characters marry each other? Can multiple copies of the same character marry different people? Can multiple copies of the same character marry each other? Is a cartoon dog marrying a cartoon duck bestiality? Is the marriage between two cartoons who have no genitals at all considered “same sex”? And, when you catch your multiple self-partners cheating on you with other versions of your multiple self, do you have grounds for complaint? / is it actually cheating? / is it bigamy, incest, or self-love?
He wants to actually be a cartoon character, but claims that “that seems impossible with present-day technology”. Oh, but in the future, it’ll be a breeze. / He’s drawn a machine that can do it, but it kind of has the same problem.
The main problem with going out with a cartoon is having the person who does her voice always hanging around. / is constantly being followed around by her team of animators. / is always being followed around by her team of animators, the guy who does the music, her director, the woman who does her voice, and the team of colourists.
He loves cartoon girls so much, he doesn’t mind at all if they have a little celluloid.
He figures he should be allowed to marry cartoons, if they’re allowing 2-dimensional people to run the USA. / And why not marry a cartoon? After all, we’ve had a 2-dimensional character running the USA for years.
Not only does he want to be able to marry cartoons, but if they ever divorce, he wants to be able to drop an anvil on her head.
He really wants to marry the teacher in the old Charlie Brown cartoons. He just loves it when he hears her say “Whaow wouw waaa-wa.” (wah-trumpetty noise)
He really just wants a girl who has someone else doing her voice. / has her own soundtrack.
And, if he becomes friends with his bride’s animator, he can get her to do anything he likes.
Though if you’re going to marry a cartoon character, you want to make sure whoever’s animating them likes you, or they might give them a horrible disease. Or tentacles.
He’s sick of three dimensional living. Depth can just get so annoying.
He said “I am no longer interested in three dimensions. I would even like to become a resident of the two-dimensional world.” Although he’s not sure yet whether he wants to get rid of up-down or forward-back.
He really wants to marry a cartoon. Apparently, someone would have to actually be 2-dimensional to appreciate his tiny little cock.
The wedding night is going to be difficult. But he’s working on it – he’s spending hours every night flattening his penis.
And when you’re going out with a cartoon, even your fights can be fun – bash her on the head with a frying pan and you can watch the little birds and stars fly around her head.
Once he gets married to a cartoon, he’s going to have a wonderful honeymoon in Lalaland. / in the centre of the Earth! / over the rainbow! / in Pixieland! / on Endor! / in a black hole.
I can imagine the reception – it’d look amazing, but might turn out a little flat.
I suppose he could technically marry a cartoon, but it might be awkward working him into the plot.
The only problem with marrying a cartoon is working out how to duplicate yourself for the print run.
He admits he’d be happy with a three-dimensional wife, so long as she’s fictional and perfect.
Only one kind of person could possibly be in love with fictional 2-dimensional characters. Clearly this man’s a Christian.
And, after he marries a cartoon, he wants to build a house made of sounds.
And, if he’s not allowed to marry cartoons, he’s going to destroy the government with his heat vision. / he’s going to get Batman to kick their arses.
The great thing is that cartoon characters aren’t just two-dimensional physically, but emotionally too!
Unfortunately if you marry a popular cartoon, they can have millions of affairs simultaneously.
Over a thousand people have already signed the petition, though I’m not sure “Donald Duck” is a real person. / though a bunch of those signatures actually seem to be cartoon characters.
It’s the only petition where it’s possible that Donald Duck’s signature is legitimate.
Because sometimes, being a fucked-in-the-head nerd can get pretty lonely.
Good luck to the guy, but he really should just accept that marriage between dimensions never works out. You keep putting holes in the fabric of space/time.
