Jessica Simpson is performing a concert for US troops, saying “I am in Kuwait, I’m enjoying all the troops having a blast.” She also said she was having a “suicide bombing of a time”. / a “sectarian slaughter of a time”. / it was “da bomb”! / she was just blown away. / it was a real gas.
She’s having a real blast, but unfortunately hasn’t yet been caught in a real blast.
Jessica loves performing for the soldiers. And later on, she might even sing them something.
She’s over there filming the new reality show, Newlybombed. / Newlydeads.
She’s not only having a blast, but the blown off body parts of soldiers make for great props – you should see her ride a dismembered arm! HOT!
The concert features a brilliant climax with the number “These Bombs Are Made For Exploding”. / “These Limbs Were Made For Losing”.
“And you know what’s really funny? When a soldier blows up!” / when a bad guy dies!”
The troops have told her that for a real blast, she ought to visit Baghdad.
A spokesman said that, not only has she been blown away by the whole experience, she’s been beheaded as well.
As well as performing all her greatest hits, being surrounded by soldiers also allows her to perform obscene and degrading acts with multiple partners, sometimes against her will!
Some people have criticised her for being so expensive, but if that’s what it costs to send Jessica Simpson to a country full of lethal landmines and clusterbombs that could tear her apart any second, then it’s worth every penny.
She was actually surprised when she arrived in the Middle East, as she was thinking it’d be ages before she got through the Queue-Wait. / She’s expecting to be in Iraq just as soon as she gets through the Queue-Wait.
Simpson was voted the act most soldiers wanted to see before being deployed to Iraq. It’s important that they connect culturally with the Muslim world by seein’ some titty.
Jessica was voted the act most soldiers wanted to see before they immerse themselves in understanding the Iraqi culture.
Simpson was voted the act most soldiers wanted to see before being deployed to Iraq. Because they’re all such big fans of her musicianship.
The soldiers were thrilled that Jessica could come – they want to drop her on Tikrit.
They’d be waiting for Jessica for ages. For many of the soldiers, it’s finally mission accomplished!
She also said it sounded fun that everyone kept getting blown. Up.
Also, soldiers, if she offers you a blow job, make sure she doesn’t mean a blow-up job.
Jessica Simpson said she was “having a real blast”. She went on to say that she was spending a most of her time shooting Iraqi civilians. She just loves photography.
She said she really loved shooting Iraqi civilians point blank in the face – close-up portrait photography is like totally cool.
She also said it was her stage, and that she was going to really rocket.
She said it was great to be in Kuwait, much better than having to go to Iraq. Like her entire audience were about to.
She also performed her latest hit “These Boots Are Made For Treading on Landmines”.
She said she planned to sing them a song or two, have a drink or three, and maybe, just as a special treat, show the soliders her bazookas.
The soldiers loved showing Jessica what to do with bazookas.
Jessica played a show for the troops – apparently she killed. / slayed ’em.
Jessica also said that her show for the troops was a killer.
Unfortunately, her act really bombed.
She also said she was having an unsanctioned-war-for-oil of a time. Whoopsy!
On stage, she was totally on fire! Napalm accidents can be very messy.
She said she was going to give it both barrels.
She was amazed by the number of tanks there. They’re really water-conscious.
After the concert, she planned to paint the town red – with the blood of their enemies!
A spokesman said that, not only has she been blown away by the whole experience, she’s been beheaded as well.
She also said that the soldiers were “the shi-it”, which resulted in them being fired on by the Sunnis.
She said she’s hoping to play concerts Osama. (‘all summer’ in a bimbo accent, maybe?)
She would have played for them earlier, but she’d bin Laden down with other gigs.
Ever since she saw Saddam’s execution, she’s been hangin’ to go to Iraq.
She also said those military fatigues were “to die for”.
She also said she was hoping to a new handbag, she’s heard so much about the Dad-bag.
The was also hoping to try on one of those body bags – supposed to be very slimming.
She said that the soldiers were welcome to snuggle up with her in her body bag.
She said she’s been Iraqin’ her brains to come with new material.
She’d was originally going to play the Green Zone, but green is so last season.
She said she wasn’t just singing for the army, but also for the leggy. / but also for both leggies. / but also for the leggy, the heady, and the torso-y.
She said she was also looking forward to hanging out with the navy – it’s her favourite colour.
She said she was also looking forward to hanging out with the navy – and after that, the burgundy, the tan, and the paisley.
She said she was also looking forward to hanging out with the marines – she loves fish.
