Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin has released an instructional judo DVD. Putin’s a black belt in judo – in fact he’s never been defeated. At least not by anyone still alive.
As if Putin wasn’t scary enough already.
Not only is Putin a master at Judo, he’s also great at Ludo, Cluedo, and Uno, too. / and Uno, you know. / Ludo, Cluedo, Uno, and Whist.
Not only is Putin a master at Judo, but he’s also a master at the KGB Death Pinch.
In fact, the Russian government’s been using the Floating Tiger Paw for years on dissidents.
The theme tune is Putin’s own version of the Beatles classic, “Hey Judo”.
Russian state-controlled media already have shown the powerful prime minister at the wheel of massive racing truck, shirtless on a fishing excursion, and tracking a tiger through the Siberian forest. So far they’ve avoided running any pictures of his tiny little cock.
Putin is a real man’s man: a black belt, a truck racer, a tiger hunter, and a dissident slaughterer! Macho!
Ah, Vladimir Putin – he’s the Chuck Norris of the East.
Putin strongly suggests everyone buys a copy of the DVD, and he’ll be sending out random secret police checks to see if you’ve learnt your lessons.
And when you’ve finished watching the DVD you can use it as a voucher to get light treatment on your next interrogation.
The DVD features Putin throwing several opponents to the mat in a variety of moves. He then orders tanks into their home town and occupies it until they retreat.
The DVD’s a collaboration between Putin and Olympic judo champ Yasuhiro Yamushita. Putin never got to compete in the Olympics himself, though he did get to dispose of a few unsuccessful athletes.
At least, he claims to be a martial artist. And you’re more than welcome to try and prove him wrong – in the ring.
Putin says that French President Nicolas Sarkozy wants to do some martial arts training with him. George Bush better watch out at the next G8 meeting…
His new slogan is “Vladimir – Putin the Fight back into Politics!” / Putin the World to the Test!” / Putin You Back in Your Place!”
Turns out that Boris Yeltsin only stepped aside after a fairly convincing smackdown. The old drunk didn’t know what had hit him.
Turns out that Boris Yeltsin only stepped aside after three rounds of Kick Boxing and an arm wrestle.
Putin said that he, “your humble servant”, didn’t do any teaching on the video and that the title was little more than an “advertising trick.” So the Russians have learnt something from the West.
The DVD is entitled Let’s Learn Judo With Vladimir Putin after Putin decided against the original title Buy My DVD Or The Secret Police Will Break Your Thumbs.
If the Let’s Learn Judo DVD’s a hit, he’s hoping to bring out sequels including Let’s Quietly Put A Bullet In A Brain and Let’s Dispose Of The Body Without Anyone Asking Any Tricky Questions. / including Let’s Learn Media Control and Let’s Learn Landslides.
After the phenomenal success of “Let’s Learn Judo with Vladimir Putin”, he’s coming out with “Let’s Learn the KGB Death Pinch”, and “Let’s Learn What This Prisoner Really Knows”. / “Let’s Learn Electrical Interrogation”.
George Dubya Bush said he was not scared of Putin knowing judo. After all, he knows ludo.
Dubya said he’s not scared. He may not know Judo, but he knows a martial art he calls “pushing the red button”. / He may not know the “Tiger Claw” or the “Rising Dragon”, but does know “Pushing the Big Red Button”.
Kevin Rudd has also released an instructional DVD on the correct way to enjoy Earl Grey with Iced Vovos. Apparently he’s a pink belt in dunking.
But most world leaders would be masters of some sort of self-defence, wouldn’t they? I’ve actually heard that Rudd has a black belt in closing his eyes and flapping his hands in the air hoping you’ll go away.
Say what you like about John Howard, at least he never subjected us to an instructional powerwalking video.
Let’s Learn Judo With Vladimir Putin is the latest in a politician-endorsed series, including Cooking With Adolf Hitler, Let’s Bash With Robert Mugabe and Aim Between Their Eyes With Dick Cheney. / Let’s Make Some Shit Happen With Donald Rumsfeld. / Knowing the Unknown Unknowns with Donald Rumsfeld.
Let’s Learn Judo With Vladimir Putin is the latest in a politician-endorsed series, which started way back in the 40’s with The Perfect Roast With Adolf Hitler.
