In Britain, a 13 year old boy and a 15 year old girl have become parents, giving rise to a panic about British morals. That sort of behaviour is only really acceptable by the royal family.
A 14 year old and 16 year old boy have also claimed to have had sex with the new mother around the same time, but newspaper reports suggest they are unlikely to be the dad, as that’s so much less of a story.
A 14 year old and 16 year old boy have also claimed to have had sex with the new mother around the same time, but, in her defence, she was really really drunk.
A 14 year old and 16 year old boy have also claimed they were having sex with the new mother at the same time, but the mother says her days of triple penetrations are over.
The mother had had sex with three boys before she was 15. Now you just wouldn’t expect that from a Chantelle.
Wow, promiscuous underage sex and irresponsible parenting. You just wouldn’t expect that from an Alfie and Chantelle.
He says that “other stupid boys” are “saying bad things”. Sure, they’re all true, but you don’t want to have it hear it all the time.
He says he wants to be a good dad, but all his role models are total arsetards.
Alfie is one of nine biological kids, but his dad’s also got three step-children. He was just going to keep on having kids until one of them was worth something.
The boy promises to be a good dad, though given that his own dad has been parading about in a devil’s mask directing all enquiries to his celebrity agent, it’s unclear as to what exactly he thinks that means.
The boy promises to be a good dad, although some commentators doubt this, given his record as a good 13 year-old boy.
The boy promises to be a good dad. He’s going to go down the pub for a couple of pints.
Alfie has promised to be a good dad, who’ll do everything possible to help his baby, just as soon as he finds a devil mask that fits him.
Alfie has promised to be a good dad, who’ll do everything possible to help his baby, provided it involves popping wheelies on his BMX or clocking his Playstation.
He says that “other stupid boys are lying, saying bad things”. Clearly, there’s only room for one stupid boy in her life.
Alfie says he doesn’t know much about sex or parenthood, but he says if he catches that stork he’s going to snap its bloody neck.
He said that he’ll be great parent during the day, but the mum’s going to be on her own when he has to put on his jimjams and go to beddy byes. / but the mum’s going to be on her own after bedtime.
He feels triumphant – he always told his old man that school was a waste of time.
It turns out the whole thing was just an elaborate attempt to get out of the maths test. And it worked!
Both parents say they have mixed feelings. On the one hand, they do now have a lifetime of immense responsibility and must suffer a jolting and premature end to their own childhoods. But on the other, they did get out of the maths test. / get out of school.
But he’ll be a great dad for a small baby. I mean, only a few years ago he was one himself.
He reckons he’ll be a great dad. After all, how different could it be to Tamagochi? / After all, he’s the only guy he knows who can clock Tetris.
The boy and girl have only actually had sex once. And now that she’s a mum, that’ll be all for a while.
The boy and girl have only actually had sex once. They’ve decided that it’s really not worth it.
The boy and girl have only actually had sex once. And it’s turned out to be the worst 4 and a half seconds of their lives.
The boy says he’s looking forward to being a grandparent, in another ten years or so. / when he’s 25.
He’s hoping to be a great-grandfather by the time he’s 35.
He’s not looking forward to giving his kid the “birds and bees” talk when it’s older – he’s got no idea WHAT happened.
The boy says that he doesn’t get any pocket money, so has no idea how they’re going to afford to raise the baby. But he says he has written letters to both the Tooth Fairy and Santa.
The 15 year-old mother says she’s got no idea how they’re going to afford to raise the baby. She guesses she’ll just have to go back to giving out 5 pound handjobs.
The boy insists the child is his, even though two other teenaged boys are saying the child might be theirs. But he says she told him it was his, so it must be – he respects his elders.
Alfie’s parents are now fighting over the rights to his story. Good to know your parents care enough about you to want to cash in on your misfortune.
Now that his story has the potential to be worth thousands of pounds, suddenly his parents are fighting over him. Normally, they’re fighting over whose fault he was.
His dad says that the story of a boy who looks eight having a baby is one journalists will be willing to pay thousands of pounds for. Er, not that that was ever the plan. Um.
Ah, skanky chavs. What would we do without them?
A 16 year old and a 14 year old are also claiming to be the father. Sounds like you’ve landed yourself a keeper, Alfie.
Alfie’s actually only 4 foot tall and looks about 8. It was his baby-face that Chantelle found so appealing. / But she’s always had a thing for jockeys.
Alfie’s actually only 4 foot tall and looks about 8. But Chantelle says it’s always the underage sex that’s the most exciting.
That’s the last time he loses his virginity.
Chantelle’s furious at all the fuss. “He told me he was 10!”
He said he would have used contraception, except that they hadn’t done sex ed yet.
Alfie was as surprised as anyone when Chantelle had a baby. For starters, where was the stork?
Alfie says he’ll prove he’s the father by taking a DNA test. Right after his ABC one.
Even though both parents could be put away for having sex with a minor, the police have decided not to step in. Having to deal with a teenaged child while they’re only in your 20s themselves will be punishment enough.
Even though both parents could be put away for having sex with a minor, the police have decided not to step in. Their families are punishment enough.
The overblown media circus has reported on how evil Alfie’s parents are for trying to make money out of the overblown media circus…
