A documentary has exposed a vast network of Thai kickboxing clubs for young British kids. There are over 500 clubs throughout the country. Soon it’ll be more or less compulsory, unless you want your child to get set upon by hordes of well-honed kickboxing tikes.
So much for pulling hair.
And what better way to respond to a Chinese burn than a Thai roundhouse? / deathblow?
Back in my day, your parents would ask you to stop beating the shit out of each other.
Of course, it’s harder to ignore a tantrum when they’re using the death blow. / when their kicking and screaming costs you an eye. / when it could be fatal. / when it’s a highly trained tantrum of death.
When these kids want something from the lolly aisle at the supermarket, you’d better just give it to them…
But of course, there are age-restrictions. To kick-box properly, you really should be able to walk.
But who wouldn’t want their little pumpkinbum to be able to smash the shit out of other kiddies?
Ah, kids. One day they’re learning to crawl, the next they’re kicking someone in the throat. They grow up so fast!
They’re training their kids up like mini-Rockys – though, of course, instead of punching up a side of beef, toddlers have to use a side of hamster. / bunny rabbit.
This is happening in England, of all places. It’s just too hard to glass someone in the face with a plastic cup. / with a teat on the end of your bottle.
It also means that corporal punishment is now a two-way street.
So now when a kid’s kicking and screaming, it might not be a tantrum, it might be just training.
Well, they’re certainly going to be ready to kick in the heads of the kids who take piano lessons.
There are no requirements for protective headgear, despite the regular blows to the head. Because that would be wussy.
The father of five year old Miah, who often cries before going in the ring, insisted he was helping his daughter. “If someone grabs Miah when she’s 15, what do you think is going to happen?” That’s right, Dad, much better to make sure your girl is regularly assaulted at age 5 than risk her being assaulted when her bones are fully developed.
Little Miah, aged five, often cries before getting in the ring. But her dad insists they’re not the tears of a poor scared little girl who doesn’t want to be punched in the head – they’re tears of pure bloodlust.
One parent of a 5 year old girl said, “If I’d never taught my kids Thai boxing, how guilty would I feel?” I’m not sure, how guilty will you feel when your 5 year old ends up with severe brain damage?
He’s worried about her not being able to defend herself if someone “grabs her when she’s 15”. Of course, another great way to teach kids how to deal with abductors is to regularly abduct them. / to regularly get them kidnapped.
One father said he had to give his 5 year old daughter kickboxing lessons so she could defend herself when she was 15. Especially given the places he’s intending taking her. / He’s hoping she’ll follow rest of the family into organised crime.
Another father, who named his child Thai after he and his wife’s passion for the sport, said their dream was for young Thai to win a stadium title. He admitted he didn’t know what Thai’s dream was, but that it was definitely likely to be disturbed. / but didn’t seem to care.
One couple’s dream was for their son to win a kickboxing title, though Dad admitted he didn’t know what the son’s dream was. Just that it involved a whole lot of screaming and cowering.
I know what Thai’s dream is – to one day, sneak up to his dad and, very carefully, snap his fucking neck.
Parents see it as their responsibility. Unless they get their children kickboxing from a young age, they’ll never enrol their kids in kickboxing.
It becomes a family tradition. It’s only once you’ve been repeatedly kicked in the head while growing up that you start to think it’s a good idea to get your kids into kickboxing.
Now the kiddies are all learning ditties like “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I’ll smash your fucking face in.”
If only my parents had encouraged me to kickbox when I was younger, I could have turned out much more successful in gang warfare.
Bloody hell, these parents! Some people just need a good kick in the head! Obviously their kids are the same.
But what are they going to do once the kiddies are all trained up and unite to form a lethal child army intent on revenge? That’s when it really pays to marry a robot.
