A Canadian man trapped under his quad bike for 96 hours survived by wearing and eating rotting beaver carcasses. All that and more in the new series: Survivor: Beaver Carcasses!
The guy’s very lucky. In some parts of the world, beaver carcass is considered a great delicacy.
He even tried eating one of the beaver carcasses, but that made him feel sick. So he just went back to covering his entire body in rotting flesh.
He had to eat dirt just to get a little moisture. And he had to rub it on his dry dry cheeks just to get a little moisturiser.
He had to eat dirt just to get a little moisture, which was horrible. He usually eats it for the taste.
He even contemplated cutting off his own right leg and eating it, but he didn’t think it’d be gamey enough. / but he didn’t have any condiments. / but he’d forgotten his Lancashire Relish. / but he didn’t have a big enough plate. / but that dirt was just so moreish. / but he’d filled up on dirt. / but he knew he wasn’t free-range.
He got so hungry he started to pick at the beaver bones, but he said it made him sick. Listen buddy, when you’re trapped under a bike for four days it’s no time to be a fussy eater!
He tried eating some of the dead beaver, but it just made him feel sick. And it also spoilt the look he was going for.
He even considered amputating and eating his own leg to survive. Then he got frostbite and ruined the meat.
He even considered amputating and eating his own leg to survive. At least it was fresh. / But it just wasn’t the same as dirt.
He even considered amputating and eating his own leg to survive. Then he considered not amputating his leg, and just nibbling on it now and then when he was really hungry.
He used one beaver carcass to keep his body warm, and another as a windbreak and pillow. Pretty lucky that he crashed in a beaver graveyard.
He found a beaver-carcass and used it as a blanket, with another as a pillow, and one more as a wind-break. If only more beaver carcasses had been within reach, he was going to build a four-poster-bed, a bedside lamp, and a coffee machine.
He kept wolves at bay by blowing a whistle, which, luckily, also seemed to attract more beavers.
He claims he hadn’t been covered in so many cold dead beavers since his necrophiliac orgy days.
He said that, after four days eating cold gritty dirt, when he got home he was really looking forward to chowing down on some hot delicious home-cooked dirt.
He said that, after four days of being warmed by rotting beavers, when he got home he was really looking forward to a hearty dinner, a good long bath, and curling up with the rotting badgers that he normally sleeps with.
He says the ordeal has changed him, and, as soon as he is well, he wants to open up a bedding and manchester store, specialising in the latest designs, quality workmanship, and rotting beaver carcasses.
Okay, this guy is trapped under a quad-bike, and just happens to be within arm’s reach of three beaver corpses? I think something’s going on here. I think he was out killing beavers when a quad-bike dropped on him from above. I think the real question here is what the hell was a quad-bike doing up a tree – and how many more are there up there, poised, waiting to strike?
His wife only found out he was missing when he was reported found. She’d just thought he was out for one of his regular four-day necrophiliac orgies. / was out chasin’ beaver again.
His wife only found out he was missing when he was reported found. She barely had time to take off the moose-head.
The man’s ordeal is going to be made into a movie. It’s going to be part of the Carri-on series…
