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Llama Llove (The Glass House 15/2/06)

A British charity offered a special deal for Valentine’s Day – a romantic stroll with a llama carrying your picnic lunch. Because nothing says “I love you” like a pack animal that spits.

Perfect for that romantic stroll through the Peruvian Alps.

They use the slogan “get calmer with a llama”. For their other services they use the slogans “get loose with a goose”, “drop your coat with a goat”, “get squishy with a fishy”, “get amorous with a platypus”, “get your nice on with a bison”, “go bananas with piranhas”, “stroll beaches with leeches” or “reignite the sparks with bloodthirsty sharks”. And couples who aren’t doing so well can always “get a divorce with a horse”, or the extra-special “call it quits with lice and nits”.

Contrary to bad press, llamas don’t habitually spit or bite people; they do it for fun.

Contrary to bad press, the charity’s llamas don’t habitually spit or bite everyone – it’s no more than a third of customers.

For a little extra, couples can have a romantic picnic with the Dalai Lama. Although his bite is still pretty nasty.

Several terrorist couples have left disappointed; instead of a llama, they thought they were going on a romantic dinner date with Osama.

For true romantics the llamas are also sold in bunches of twelve. Just stick them in a little water and they can last for up to a week.

Unfortunately it has backfired in a couple of instances where the girl has decided she actually prefers the llama to her boyfriend. “Did Kevin ever make me a cardigan out of his own wool? I don’t think so!”

Last year I bought my love a llama. Well, I thought it was a llama. Turned out it was a baby giraffe wearing a poncho.

According to the organisers, participants can enjoy “a romantic picnic afterwards – carried by the llamas in their backpacks”. Maybe I’m crazy, but carrying around llamas in a backpack all day isn’t my idea of a romantic time out.

For those who want to recreate the experience at home you can sex up your bedroom with a seductive Llama Lamp.

All this exposure to romance has raised some llama’s standards; nowadays not many llamettes will rut for anything less than a dozen roses and a bottle of French champagne.

Some llamas have taken to their new roles as lady-killers to heart. In fact one of the llamas from the charity has become a rapper – LL Am A.

The llama dates are part of a charity for the disabled. So far they’ve raised two amputees and a spazzy.

By Wok and Mat

Warwick Holt and Mat Blackwell are long-time writing partners, who created the mega-award winning web series Bruce, and wrote loads of jokes for TV shows including Good News Week, The Sideshow and The Glass House. Several years of their raw material for those shows is posted right here on this blog.

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