According to a new survey commissioned by McDonald’s, Australians are eating like pigs. As well as eat-in, take-away, and drive-thru, the chain will now be offering the Trough.
Is it any surprise that we eat like pigs, when we’re eating swill like McDonald’s?
Table manners? Why would Australians suddenly develop manners for the table when we don’t have any in any other sphere of life?
Apparently, it’s not considered polite to burp at the table! But it is still considered politer than smearing the table with your own faeces. (Which explains all the nasty looks I get.)
Really, you’d expect us to have better table manners. After all, we’re renowned for our repressed politeness and respect for rules and regulations.
One must respect the laws of the table. That’s why, whenever I’m shovelling steak and chips slathered in sauce into my fat cake-hole, I poke out my little pinkies.
It’s also considered polite not to take a slash behind the buffet. How was I to know?
So – elbows off the table next time you’re chowing down on a bit of snot.
McDonald’s say that the survey proves that they are having a cultural impact. / proves that it’s not their fault that Australians eat like slobs.
In some societies, burping after a meal is taken as a polite compliment. So if you want us to stop doing it, just tell us that.
McDonald’s are flying in “Ladette to Lady” etiquette guru Gill Harbourd to help launch their new upmarket burgers. But let’s face it, people go to Maccas so they CAN be rude and disgusting. / But if Maccas tries to stamp out bad manners, they’ll lose most of their customers. / Come on, Maccas is the last bastion of the belching, farting, tray-licking gross-out!
Come on, good table manners in Maccas is saving your shit for the toilet.
The McDonald’s-funded survey also found that 70% of their customers only like the pickles to throw at the mirrors.
87% of Australians admit to resting their elbows on the table. Haven’t they heard of elbow-borne salmonella?
87% of Australians admit to resting their elbows on the table. THE SHAME!
Just pause for a second to imagine what life would be like if everyone rested their elbows on the table. Can you picture the horror? THE SHEER HELL! NNNOOO!! MAKE IT STOP!!!!!
87% of Australians rest their elbows on the table, 68% of Australians eat before everyone is served, 35% of Australians lick their plate, and 92% don’t know their fish-knife from their pork-spoon. / cramping-iron. / caking-spork. / muffin-flange. / bob-ladle. / waffle-totter. / salad-gimper. / jerky-humbler. / fruit-twaddle. / cheesecake-nodule.
68% of Australians admit to eating before everyone is served, and 90% of parents insist their kids eat first, if only to shut them up.
68% of Australians admit to eating before everyone is served. But that’s fair enough, sometimes restaurants can get pretty crowded. / Which is fairly essential in Maccas.
35% of Australians lick their plate and almost half lick their knives. So at least we’re enjoying the food. / At least we aren’t wasteful. / Bad etiquette, or reducing landfill?
35% of Australians lick their plate and almost half lick their knives. And some of them even eat the food! / Anything but their food.
The research was commissioned by McDonald’s, who will now be providing mobile phones, flavoured knives and plates, elbow pads… anything to distract from the food.
The research was commissioned by McDonald’s. Just a tip: don’t lick their trays. You really don’t know where they’ve been.
Of course Maccas don’t have plates to lick, but they really wish you wouldn’t eat the buns. It’s just disgusting.
McDonald’s are now going to introduce “McManners”, which includes eating fries one at a time, using a knife and fork for your thickshake, and not mentioning the rainforests.
Etiquette guru Gill Harbourd, from “Ladette to Lady”, said the findings were not acceptable. But will provide her with many more series.
She didn’t realise we were so into the ladette side.
Who would’ve thought – a land of sport-obsessed drunken convicts isn’t big on table manners! Well I never.
Etiquette guru Gill Harbourd, from “Ladette to Lady”, said the findings were not acceptable. So we told her to get a big black dog up ‘er. / to rack off.
Not only are we not big on table manners, but apparently some of us refuse to stand when someone plays God Save the King!
Gives me an idea for the next big reality show: “Masterslob”!
