A London study has found that toddlers can bite with as much force as the average mongrel dog. Ah, toddlers. The savage bite of a mongrel dog combined with the egocentricity of a CEO. / with the brutal instincts of a top executive.
Not only are their jaws as strong as a mongrel dog’s, but they can be trained to KILL! / but they make great pets for children.
With children able to tear through soft toys with their teeth, the study recommends requiring tougher toys. You know, so they can smash your head in.
With children able to tear through soft toys with their teeth, the study recommends requiring tougher toys. Or just making them more edible. / out of carrots. / out of vegetables.
The study’s recommendations include requiring toys be tougher, and that parents wear armour. / parents bite down on a piece of cloth.
The study recommends that toy safety standards should be reviewed, so that all toys are at least as tough as a nice juicy bone.
So that’s a big slap in the face to those who claimed my baby-versus-dog cage-matches were cruel.
At least it means that leaving your toddler alone with a mongrel dog gives them an even-money chance of winning.
But to really test the theory, tune into Ten’s new reality game show – Dogs versus Toddlers! It’s ON!
Sure, they have jaws as strong as a dog’s, but can they fight off a tiger? Only one way to find out.
I don’t think this is true. I mean, when was the last time you heard a news story about a dog being viciously mauled by a gang of toddlers? / If it was, don’t you think the news would be filled with stories of dogs being mauled by small children?
And they will bite the breast that feeds them.
It’s a delicate balance between toys soft enough to bite through and toys hard enough to cave in a sibling’s skull. The only safe solution: no toys at all in their barbed-wire cage. / That’s why my child gets NO TOYS AT ALL.
Not only can they bite as hard as an “average mongrel dog”, but they’re perfect for sending down rabbit holes.
Looks like their bite is worse than their bark. Although not that much worse than their high pitched little shriek.
Not only can they bite as hard as an “average mongrel dog”, but they’re right at crotch-height. Not a good combination.
Children as young as three can bite with the force of the average mongrel dog. Which can mean real trouble if they have rabies.
Though toddlers with the bites of mongrel dogs aren’t nearly as scary as babies with rabies.
The force of the children’s jaws was measured by a specially designed instrument, known as “mummy’s leg”.
They might bite as hard as a dog, but at least toddlers can take themselves for a walk.
It’s great news for parents under financial strain – anyone can afford Meaty Bites.
But toddlers don’t just bite like dogs – they also scratch, claw, bury things, and shit on the carpet.
Toddlers – they’re so cute until their iddy-biddy teeth take a chunky-wunky out of your leggy-weggy.
Tell you what, it’s a good thing they’re only issued with baby teeth.
Well, they can either make stronger toys, or just legislate that all toddlers have their tooth knocked out as they grow them. That’s no big deal, they get another set later.
Listen toddlers, maybe if you didn’t bite so damn hard you might not lose all your teeth by the time you’re a teenager.
The researchers not only suggested toddlers were “mongrel dogs”, but also “monstrous horrors that failed to save the marriage”. / “unsuccessful abortions”.
