As many of you would already be aware, I am currently in the USA, meeting with the leader of the Free World, President George W. Bush. Obviously as Australians, you will all be proud of me being granted another audience with this greatest of all men on the planet. But this is a meeting that will go far beyond a mere audience with Earth's Supreme Overlord and provide us with an entirely new and deeper relationship between our two countries.

Because the Australian Government is fully committed to George W. Bush and his policies, we've spent more than twenty million dollars for me to personally address this personal note directly to each of you, my , to explain clearly and simply the deep, personal relationship between President Bush and myself.

I thought it only appropriate for all Australians to show Georgie how we feel about him, so have, on your behalf, spent 13 million dollars commissioning a commemorative film to present in his honour. Unfortunately, several million dollars of this has been extorted in travel rorts, and several more has been redirected into Protecting the Homeland from Evil, and, what with the Australian dollar these days, and the cost of relocating everyone who knew about the Iraqi prisoner abuses, and you know, we have got to fund an election campaign in there somewhere...

So anyway, to cut a long story short, we ended up with a short film. A very short film. Less than 3 minutes, actually. But I think it sums up the U.S/Australian relationship quite well.

The film is called "A Deep Personal Love", and has been put together by a talented little media manipulator called Buttress O'Kneel and her friends at the Clint Flicks Media Empire. Ironically enough, when the Free Trade Agreement goes through, these people probably won't be able to afford to eat anymore. But in the meantime they've put together this nice little compilation of my home movies.

I hope to present it in person to President Bush over the coming hours, but in the meantime you can apparently have a look at it on your computer if you "click your mice" on that picture of George and I to the right. Don't quite understand how it works myself, but the techies over there at Communications assures me it's perfectly commonplace these days.

Why is this important?

The Australian Government is fully committed to supporting the War on Terror, and with it, any amount of justice George W. Bush and his extremely well-trained soldiers is capable of inflicting. These terrorist-infested countries are primarily foreign, and, as such, highly unAustralian. We support the American initiatives at enforcing peace in these troubled countries, and are committed to helping them shock and awe the world community with their fiery delivery of freedom.

But the Australian Government doesn't just support George W. Bush's policies. We also support their commitment to relativist standards, revisionist history and the spreading of truths that may or may not ending up being non-core. George W. Bush is also a very handsome, charismatic man, and I enjoy powerwalking on his ranch whenever I can. He makes me feel like no other U.S President has.

He said he was proud to call me friend and that I was made entirely of steel. It still makes me teary to think about it.

That's why I feel it's vital, unavoidable even, that I express my deep personal respect for the man and his policies, whatever they might be, and underline our commitment and support for whatever it is they think they're doing up there in the White House. Maybe one day they'll let me see what they're doing. I bet it's very exciting.

Don't you think it looks a bit, erm, gay?

Now look here. As the film demonstrates, George and I feel A Deep Personal Love for each other, but you have to understand that this is a special feeling that can only occur between two heads of state when one bends over and allows the other to do what he wants with him. That is no reason for either of us to turn around and do something crazy like backflipping on our plans to ban gay marriages and adoptions.

George and I are both happily married; in fact you can see in the video that our wives are nearly clones of each other. In fact George has been asking whether Janine might be interested in joining him in the Hot Tub later tonight - but that's another story. The point is that the idea of marriage between George and myself is patently ridiculous for any number of reasons. That's why I prefer to think of our union as a "merger" (George leans towards "takeover" - another one of those endearing Yankee expressions of his.) Upon my return, the integration of Australia into the United States of Earth will be my overriding priority, and I know you'll all support me at the ballot box in that endeavour.

Also, if you know any Americans, could you ask them to vote for Georgie? He's doing it pretty hard out here. If things keep going this way, he'll have to steal the election again. And he doesn't really want to do that if he can avoid it.