Under new anti-terror laws, bouncers and security guards will be called upon to lead the first response to terror attacks. Bouncers would seem like the perfect choice – after all, they’ve shown themselves as extremely adept at putting down uprisings of cricket coaches…
The bouncers would be great at stopping an attack by terrorists with inappropriate footwear or no collar.
Unfortunately it’s actually encouraging terrorism. Everyone who’s turned away from a nightclub now has a method of getting back at the pricks.
One of the bouncers’ duties is first aid, because they’re experts in CPR. Well, they punch you in the chest. Same diff.
Of course, if you’re a terrorist, it’s the perfect time to become a bouncer. “Nah, sorry mate, no infidels.”
Bouncers would be useless in the fight against terror: all the cute terrorist chicks would get in for sure.
“Look mate, the explosives are fine, but I can’t let you in with those sandals.”
“Look mate, the explosives are fine, but it’s ladies night tonight.”
“Read the sign, mate: no thongs, singlets or improvised explosive devices.”
From now on, all strap-on explosives will have to be smart casual; no more tracky-bombs.
All our terrorists will have to be smart casual now, and no more home made explosives: they’ve got to be Gucci or Prada.
It’s actually a great idea – take the two most violent, easily-provoked, deadly groups of people in our society, and let them kill each other. Imagine; a world with no terror, where you can get into any nightclub you like!
Take the two most violent, easily-provoked, deadly groups of people in our society, and let them kill each other. It’d be like X-Treme Death Match!
Desperate times call for desperate measures. These are the most deadly, fundamentalist, violent crazies we’ve ever seen! They should be ideal for stopping terrorists.
Of course, al Qaeda have their own bouncers, and their own nightclubs: there’s alcohol-free happy hour, wet-burkha competitions, a laser-guided lightshow – and every night goes off!
There’s really very little difference between terrorists and bouncers, except that bouncers get to wear those little numbers. And they wait till you’re outside the club before killing you.
Nightclubs have begun hiring terrorists for security and crowd-control. If the crowd gets a bit rowdy – BOOOM!
Nightclubs have begun hiring terrorists for security and crowd-control. “Sorry mate, your beard’s too short.” “Oi! Call that a burkha?” “Sorry buddy, it’s terror Tuesday – members only.”
In related news, the new terror laws mean that you can’t criticise Aussie troops or express anti-government behaviour. So that’s the end of The Glass House then!
We’re not allowed to criticise Aussie troops abroad. Like, for instance, point out that they haven’t yet won a war that was supposed to be over in weeks? And where’s Osama then? Oops, it’s jail time for us. See you when we get out.
