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Good News Week

Over-overdraft (GNW 1/6/09: What’s the Story?)

A New Zealand couple have fled the country after a bank mistake turned their hundred thousand dollar overdraft into ten million dollars. Meh, let them have it. After all, it’s only New Zealand dollars.

It’s surprising the bank didn’t realise sooner. After all, who’s got ten million dollars in New Zealand? / After all, New Zealand’s not known for it’s multibillionaires. / After all, a multibillionaire would kinda stand out. It’s NEW ZEALAND.

When the banks rip us off for millions of dollars, no-one blinks an eyelid, but when it’s the other way around, it’s world news!

Feels good – finally, the little people have ripped the BANKS off!

I’ve got banks all wrong. I thought they WANTED us to owe them millions of dollars.

7.8 million dollars. Now THAT’S a stimulus package. / That’s a lot of fush n chups.

7.8 million dollars! That could buy a hell of a lot of sheep dip.

Unfortunately, they’ll never be able to return to New Zealand again. Sorry, fortunately.

What’s not clear is how they actually got the money out. Maybe New Zealand banks stock their ATMs a little better than ours.

Kara Yang’s mother said she was trying to provide the police with as much information as possible, although admitted she had hung up on her daughter when she’d called. But she’ll continue providing information whenever she gets some sort of hunch. / whenever her boils act up.

Kara Yang’s mother said she was trying to provide the police with as much information as possible, although, if she gets a big enough cut, is quite happy to cover her daughter’s arse. / lie through her teeth. / lie until she’s blue in the face.

The woman’s mum just really wants her to come home. She’s hangin’ for her cut of the loot.

The woman’s mother has been helping the police with their enquiries. What a tightarse spoilsport party-poopin’ BITCH.

The woman’s mother has been helping the police with their enquiries. Clearly, they should’ve given her a cut. / a million in hush money.

The mum said her daughter was “beautiful and honest”. Yes, well, we’re all beautiful and honest until there’s 7 million dollars involved.

The teller who misplaced the decimal point is now having counselling. But the teller who thought nothing of handing over $3.8 million in cash from an overdraft account has been made head of financial services.

The teller who misplaced the decimal point has now been taken off customer service, and is calculating home loan interest.

This is why banks want us to use ATMs. Unlike the incompetent teller, machines shouldn’t misplace decimal points, and if they do, they can be dismantled. / violently disassembled.

If they’re found they could face up to 2000 years jail. …or is that 0.2 years in jail?

The best thing is, they got away with nearly four million dollars without once having to deal with Eddie McGuire.

Let’s put this into context. Ordinarily, to get ten million dollars, the average couple has to do battle with at least ten Eddie McGuires.

Stealing from a bank. It’s like taking money from the Mafia.

Their petrol station had recently been placed under receivership. Westpac are hoping that if they can seize it, they can make the money back through unleaded petrol and overpriced lollies.

Westpac plan on seizing the couple’s petrol station. The bank says they’ll show THEM who’s the bigger thief. / The bank says two can play the ‘stealing shit’ game. / The bank says you should never try stealing from a thief.

Yang’s sister has been posting updates from their life on the run on her Facebook page. Unfortunately she didn’t adjust her privacy settings to “World’s Most Wanted”.

If they are caught, Gao and Yang are planning to claim they just thought compound interest had worked in their favour.

But the real criminal here is the person stealing decimal points.

It’s hard to understand how a bank could misplace a decimal point. But this is New Zealand. Apparently the mistake occurred when the teller accidentally dropped her abacus.

It’s a tragedy for Westpac employees. One misplaced decimal point, and it’s years’ worth of double-shifts in the salt mines.

Westpac should be rubbing their hands with glee. Think of all the interest accruing…

It could be an honest mistake. I know if $100,000 had suddenly turned into ten million in my bank account, I’d just assume I misunderstood the workings of compound interest.

By Wok and Mat

Warwick Holt and Mat Blackwell are long-time writing partners, who created the mega-award winning web series Bruce, and wrote loads of jokes for TV shows including Good News Week, The Sideshow and The Glass House. Several years of their raw material for those shows is posted right here on this blog.

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