And the big news? Terrible news. Obama won the election. From what we’ve seen so far, he’s literate, personable, compassionate, peaceable and handsome. We’re going to be out of a job! / What can we make jokes about when the president’s educated, inclusive, charismatic and talented? BRING BACK THE RETARD!
I must say it’s been a long time since I’ve heard a US President give a speech with all the words pronounced correctly.
It was a historic victory. Who would’ve thought that Americans would actually elect a President who was… (gasp)… LITERATE.
Of course, so the American people can actually understand what he’s saying, Obama’s going to have to put on a redneck accent and talk in homilies. Less clear and well-thought-out sentences – more pigs in lipstick! YEEEHAAAH!
Many pundits thought Americans would never vote a black man in as President, but it turns out they aren’t so superficial. Certainly not when he’s so damn handsome.
It’s not only the first time a black man’s been voted President, but the first time a good looking one has.
A handsome black man in the White House? Monica Lewinsky can’t believe her luck…
So as America’s economic and military empire finally implodes, at least they’ll be able to comfort themselves with the knowledge that they’re not racist.
Obama’s fellow African-Americans are already betting he’ll win the next election. In other words, black Barack barrackers back back-to-back!
Of course, America’s rednecks are torn in two. They just can’t decide between political assassination and old fashioned lynchin’. / Half of them think they should shoot the black bastard, and half of them think they should just lynch him.
America’s rednecks are kind of okay with their president being black. At least he’s not Asian. / he aint a woman. / he aint no Ay-rab.
Obama can now get on with delivering on his promise of hope. At least, so he hopes. / he hopes he can.
So America has voted for love and hope over fear and hate. Who knew they had it in them?
Hey America – message just in from the world. We love you again! See, wasn’t that easy?
Well, what a surprise, Obama won the election, like just six hundred thousand polls in a row said he would. If McCain had’ve won, those pollsters sure would’ve had egg on their faces! And nooses round their necks! / Or there would’ve been a bloody revolution. One or the other.
Obama gave a inspiring victory speech, which soared and stirred above the peeew sounds coming off the bulletproof glass.
Typical. Worst job in the world, and they give it to a black man. / Hardest job in the world, and they give it to a black man.
It was a foregone conclusion that America would elect a black man. Who else is going to clean up the mess?
So Obama’s been elected President, or as they’re calling him in the red states, National Janitor.
Apparently Obama’s daughters Sasha & Malia are big fans of the slumber party. Which is perfect – so was Dubya! / So after 8 years of Dubya, the White House is the perfect place for them. / So the White House is really the perfect place for them – Dubya’s been having a slumber party for the last 8 years.
And how sweet was seeing Obama tell his daughters they’d earned a new puppy? Although he’d better hope the White House has brown carpeting.
A lot of Republican supporters will remain worried that Obama is a Muslim and a terrorist. They should stop worrying. Even if it is true, it means al Qaeda are now on their side – victory is assured!
McCain got nearly 50 percent of the popular vote, and could have even won if people thought he might survive longer than Obama’s grandma.
It’s just as well McCain didn’t win. His heart couldn’t’ve taken the pressure. Or the lynching.
But if McCain had’ve won, the shock probably would’ve finished him off.
On the plus side, at least now McCain can die in peace.
McCain’s campaign was actually very effective. It’s just that every time he summed up by saying “we need a new direction in Washington”, people figured that Obama’s direction might be just a teensy bit newer.
McCain had tried to distance himself from President Bush, saying that Americans needed a new direction. But for some reason the public didn’t want the new direction of a septuagenarian Congressional veteran from the ruling party. Weird.
McCain’s campaign was actually very effective. It’s just that every time he summed up by saying “we need a new direction in Washington”, people believed him.
McCain is really disappointed. He was really looking forward to leading a full air-assault on Siam.
McCain’s big mistake was that he didn’t call Obama “Osama” enough. Could’ve made the difference.
I know why McCain lost. It was all those strange jerky movements at his campaign speeches. He looked like a robot with palsy.
It’s clear why McCain lost. (play McCain singing his ‘bomb Iran’ song) Can’t really add much to that, I’m afraid. / He should’ve just stopped there, and gone home. / and called the whole thing off.
Just goes to show – you don’t have to be an out-of-touch senile degenerate to win office! / it is possible to be old, out-of-touch and mentally unstable, and still not win the Presidency!
McCain’s concession speech was gracious, humble and supportive, which is enough to get him run out of the Republican Party in tar and feathers.
McCain’s concession speech was gracious, humble and surprisingly supportive of the guy that he’d spent the last six months personally abusing.
In the end, even Joe the Plumber and Joe Six-Pack voted for Joe Biden and the average Joe.
McCain made a mistake focussing on “Joe the plumber” who thought he’d be getting a tax rise under Obama. Turns out he was going to get a tax cut, wasn’t a licensed plumber, wasn’t actually called Joe, and ended up voting for Obama. He just got so confused!
Voters didn’t seem swayed by McCain and Palin’s desperate attempts to tie Obama to 60s terrorist William Ayers. But people won’t forget it – just like they haven’t forgotten about Kevin Rudd having lunch with Brian Burke! Have they.
But the forgotten man in all this is Vice-President-Elect Joe Biden. I mean, he… (gesture blankly for a moment)… well, I’m sure he did something.
But the forgotten man in all this is Vice-President-Elect Joe Biden. And for good reason.
But the forgotten man in all this is Vice-President-Elect Joe Biden, but after all he played a key role in Obama’s victory. All that laying low and staying out of the spotlight really helped.
But the forgotten man in all this is Vice-President-Elect Joe Biden, but after all he played a key role in Obama’s victory. I mean, if Sarah Palin had just kept herself hidden away and shut her mouth, McCain might’ve won!
Sarah Palin’s not happy. Don’t know about you, but I’d hate to be a moose right now.
Sarah Palin’s off hunting to get her mind off things. Apparently, she’s gonna shoot a big black bear…
Sarah Palin’s off hunting to get her mind off things. Man, those moose don’t know what’s coming.
Sarah Palin’s going to gear up now for the 2012 election. Looks like her path to the Presidency no longer requires her to accidentally shoot McCain. / give McCain a scare in the night.
Sarah Palin’s now heading back to Alaska to shoot moose and maybe the odd Russian who gets too close to the edge.
Sarah Palin now has to face an even greater challenge: a hunting trip with Dick Cheney.
Sarah Palin has a bunch of options open to her: returning to Alaska as Governor, running for President in 2012, or becoming the world’s most famous porn MILF.
The nail in McCain’s coffin was the last-minute endorsement by Dick Cheney. In fact Cheney was so keen on McCain he almost shot him in the face. A sign of true friendship.
So it looks like poor old Dick Cheney’s just going to have to retire on his millions and millions of dollars worth of Iraq War enriched Halliburton shares. You gotta feel for the guy.
Of course, now it has to be renamed the Black House.
Of course, the thing with black presidents is that their term is longer than a white president’s. By a good couple of inches.
If only Americans had’ve known it was so easy to get the world to love them they might’ve thought twice about re-electing a clam-headed moron.
Of course Bush and Cheney will still have plenty to keep themselves occupied. Those files won’t shred themselves!
The Australian said that with Bush finishing up, it’s goodbye to the best friend Australia ever had. And with friends like those, who needs terrorists? / who needs coercive warmongering bullies?
With Bush going, The Australian says it’s “farewell to the best friend Australia ever had in the White House”. And The American says “Australia who?”
The Republicans figured that after plunging America into two protracted wars and flushing the economy into the toilet, it might be time to give the Democrats a go.
The Republicans figured that, now they’ve had nearly ten years of fun just totally trashing the place, they might as well let the Democrats clean up.
It’s so romantic! Finally Bush and Howard can get away from the prying eye of the world’s media and make sweet sweet love.
Unlike John Howard’s assessment last year, al Qaeda were deeply upset that Obama won. There goes their best recruiting tool. / Redneck America was their best recruiting tool. / How are they going to convince people to fight the Great Satan now? / How are they going to convince people to fight the Great Satan when he sounds so damn reasonable? / How are they going to convince people to fight the Great Satan now that it’s led by an educated compassionate man with an Arabic-sounding name?
Kevin Rudd welcomed Obama’s win, though deep down inside resented it. It makes his election victory look so insignificant.
The CIA let Obama win. Now, it’s going to be extra powerful when they assassinate him.
But of course Obama won. The CIA want the populace to feel overwhelmingly happy and free before they send in the sniper. It’s more powerful that way. / The riots are more impassioned that way.
The American people felt safe voting for Obama. They know that, deep down inside, he’s just as white as they are.
The Americans weren’t sure they could trust a black man, but when they saw he wasn’t eatin’ watermelon, singing “Pick a Bale o’ Cotton”, or saying “yes baaahhsss, sho nuff”, they figured he musta been white after all.
It proves that the US has finally grown out of centuries of racism and hatred. Now we know – Americans don’t care what colour you are on the outside, as long as you’re white on the inside.
Finally Obama can relax, drop the pretences, and chow down on some crawdaddy and grits. / smoke some crack with his homies in the ghetto. / bust some freestyle while his hoes get crunk.
Wow, a black guy in the White House. That’s like the ultimate bling.
Of course it was one election the Republicans didn’t dare steal. Not only might it have caused mass rioting, it also would have left them in charge of the country they’ve turned into a basket case.
Obama’s first job is to appoint around 10,000 new ambassadors, officials, advisors and board members. And that’s the easy bit.
The Americans have been swindled. Obama’s entire campaign was ripped off from a British kids show: “Barack Obama: can he fix it? Barack Obama: yes he can!”
If only goodwill could be turned into renewable energy, the planet could be saved!
It’s wonderful to have a President who seems willing to be so multi-lateral in approach. We’ve just got to hope the other world leaders don’t get envious.
So America’s feeling the winds of change with the new hope Obama, Australia’s still feeling good with the positive vibes of Rudd – clearly, something’s going to go really really bad really really soon.
What’s that sound? Do I hear the dying gasp of the neocon empire? Oh, no, just someone farting.
Of course it’s also a nasty blow for the interdimensional reptiles behind the scenes. If it had to be a Democrat, they were desperately hoping for Hilary.
I don’t care who won – it feels so great to once again be able to use the letter W as just another letter of the alphabet.
But in this screwed-up world, with the slowly warming globe’s economy going down the toilet to the sound of bombs and gunfire, can’t a satirical show like this just once hold off on the cynical gags and salute the moment when maybe, just maybe, the tide turned and America voted for a better future? Yes we can. / No we can’t.
Up next: the overwhelming wave of optimism gets dwarfed by the crushing tsunami of reality.
