Pet Psychic (Good News Week 9/3/09: Strange But True)

A Romanian psychic has begun a service putting grieving pet owners in touch with their dead animals. What’s that Rover? “Woof”? / What’s that Kitty? “Meow”?

One grieving pet owner say her communication was miraculous. “Meow” is just what Kitty used to say.

If only she could communicate with animals that were still alive.

Of course, she can’t communicate with them while they’re alive. That’d just be weird.

The best thing about being dead, say the ghostly pets, is being able to suddenly speak fluent English.

She also offers a service where she’ll communicate with your live pet. Although she has to kill it first.

She communicates with her clients through her web site. She doesn’t like the ghost dogs playing with her crystal ball. / chasing her crystal ball.

She earns the trust of the ghost dogs by going to the phantom park and chucking around her crystal ball.

She offers a web-based service where she receives owners’ messages and posts the pets’ replies. Gives a whole new meaning to “do-little”. / She’s a modern-day Do-little.

She’s the doctor for when your animals do little.

She’s not so much a Dr Dolittle, as a Dr DoNothingAtAllButWriteBogusEmailsAndGetPaidAPacket.

She’ll also contact owners who have passed over, though emails from pets have tended to be hard to understand.

Now at last you can chat to your ex-parrot.

She came up with the idea for the service when she realised that people really are that gullible.

She runs her business over the internet. After all, if you believe that dead pets are suddenly talking, it’s no great leap to assume they’re cyber-savvy. / they’ve got their own websites. / they know how to Skype.

The Romanian psychic says she doesn’t mind spending her time with dead animals, although she’s sick of cleaning up all their ectoplasm.

She calls them the “walkies dead”.

She says it’s a little bit weird when a phantom dog digs itself up and starts gnawing on its own bones.

She says that it’s perfectly normal for a beloved pet to travel all the way to where she lives and speak to her, rather than just hang out with the people it knew and loved. And anyone who disagrees clearly knows nothing about the afterlife.

They contact her from Doggy Heaven. Yes, even the cats; it’s a bad deal for the cats.

She’s a cyber-psychic with special pet-communication powers. A super-cyber-psychic really. And she’s gotten so busy she’s had to hire a super-cyber-psychic-sidekick.

She conducts all contact through psycherspace.

She conducts all contact with clients and pets through cyberspace. That way they’ll never know she’s actually dead.

She not only works through email, and I must say it’s nice to know that the afterlife is a paradise where even animals get web access.

The dead pets not only can speak, but actually have access to information they never had while they were alive, like exactly who poisoned them, or the fact that the rubber mouse wasn’t real. Some of them have some real issues to work through.

A dog named Dicky communicated that he died from poisoned food given by a mean neighbour. The mean neighbour has now been beaten to death, protesting the whole time that he didn’t know what they were talking about. Ha, pet psychic, you’re so funny.

A dog named Dicky communicated that he died from poisoned food given by a mean neighbour. Dicky knows because as he died he saw the neighbour, laughing and twirling his evil moustache. He wasn’t reckoning on the dead pet psychic though, was he.

A dog named Dicky communicated that he died from poisoned food given by a mean neighbour. But it was being called Dicky that really hurt.

One recently deceased dog said to his owner that he’d like all his belongings passed on to a new dog. Preferably one purchased via the links on the psychic’s site.