In the past 12 months, 728 Victorian schools have been granted temporary liquor licenses. It’s great for fund-raising, community spirit, and the Principal’s liquor cabinet.
It turns out that the school spirit is whiskey.
So that creepy guy hanging around your school is probably your dad on a bender. / the principal.
The liquor licenses are usually used for fund-raising and special events, like pisspot-teacher night.
Schools say selling alcohol is an easy way to raise money at fetes. And if they didn’t, the kids would just set up their own moonshine stand and get all the proceeds themselves.
Well, maybe if they had a little government funding, they wouldn’t need to sell drugs.
Back in my day, kids used to set up lemonade stalls. Now it’s moonshine. / Now they just whack down a slab.
But the serving of alcohol is strictly monitored. Under 18s are not allowed, unless they’re on bar duty.
But the serving of alcohol is strictly monitored. Under 18s are not allowed, and parents are only allowed to beat up their children once they get home.
Alcohol is a cheap and easy way to raise money at fetes, and the markup’s even better on crack.
Alcohol gives better value than labour-intensive fundraising like baking and sewing. And just think how much they could make if they got into kiddie-porn!
Of course, fetes aren’t just about alcohol. There’s also the chance to pick up one of the teachers.
Schools are selling alcohol at fetes to make a little extra money. But they claim the alcohol tent is strictly controlled, and that they never let under-18s in. Just like the crack-tent and the shaggin-wagon. / Just like the opium den and the tent with the glory hole.
The alcohol tent is used to provide the school a little extra money, with very little initial outlay. It’s nearly as profitable as the sex-slave tent!
The alcohol tent is strictly controlled, and that they never let under-18s in. They’re all chained up in the sex-slave tent. / If you want one of them, you have to go to the kiddie-porn tent.
The alcohol tent is strictly controlled, and that they never let under-18s in. They still have to get adults to buy their booze.
The alcohol tent is strictly controlled, and that they never let under-18s in. Unless they’ve got fake ID.
And there’s a special package in the lucky dip, with a street value of over a thousand bucks!
Selling alcohol at school fetes has pros and cons. On one hand, it brings in more people, and gets them in the mood to spend more. On the other hand, there are a lot more glassings in the face. / On the other hand, there’s a lot more vomit in the sandpit. / On the other hand, there’s a lot more drunken sex in the carpark.
Selling alcohol helps bring people into the fete, which means they can make more money on raffle-tickets, lucky dips, and illegal firearms. / and prostitution. / and pimping.
The best part of a school fete is the ‘trash n treasure’ – the kiddies find some treasure, and the parents get trashed.
You ought to try the toffee apple cider. And the fairy floss now actually makes you see fairies.
Of course, modern fetes aren’t just about alcohol. There’s all the traditional sewing and baking stands too – where you can pick up a nice homemade stubbie-holder and a coupla very strong brownies.
It also makes for some fun games, like drunk-dunking. / dunk-the-drunk.
The dunk-the-teacher game is also filled with beer. When the teacher’s dunked, they stay under as long as they can.
Unfortunately, while the kiddies are off trying to dunk-the-teacher, their drunken parents are trying to sink-the-pink.
Selling booze brings more people to the fete. And, if there’s one thing you really want at a schoolground, it’s people who are attracted to alcohol. / who come to get pissed. / who’ll go anywhere for a drink. / it’s those twitching homeless guys covered in dirt and vomit.
Yep, school fete profits are way up now that they’re bringing in the alco crowd.
To compete, pubs have started to offer fairy floss and face painting.
It also improves fundraising indirectly. Those helium balloons are hilarious if you’re pissed.
Of course, it’s OK so long as parents use the alcohol responsibly, and let the kids drive them home.
The principal of Glenhuntly Primary said alcohol had increased the sense of community at their fetes. Last year she even picked up.
Opposition Education Spokesman Martin Dixon said it should be illegal for schools to sell alcohol at any time, as it was drawing crowds from Liberal Party functions.
Education Minister Bronwyn Pike declined to comment, as she’d just been to Parent-Teacher Night and was passed out in a pool of her own wee. / in a puddle of semi-digested kebab.
