Researchers at Harvard have discovered that risky financial investments are linked to above-average levels of testosterone. No wonder the stock market’s such a cock-up. / balls-up. / totally rooted. / thoroughly fucked.
Masculine features like prominent jaws and cheekbones are also related to irrational risk taking. If you are looking for a safe investment, choose a broker who’s a drag queen with his face melting. / choose a broker who looks like a marshmallow.
Proof that the Wall Street crash has been bought on by hairy jocks. And just the odd vengeful nerd.
The lead author, Anna Dreber, said men with high testosterone and masculine features not only took irrational risks with finance, but also picked on her at school. / but were also kinda hot.
The study is based on testosterone levels found in saliva. The scientists collected this by showing the men a picture of a really good stock-reading, and just mopping up their drool. / by detailing to them the financial gains to be made in Iraq, and simply mopping up the drool.
In the study, high cheekbones and prominent jaws were also linked to economic risk-taking. Which is why no-one ever gets financial advice from piranhas.
Traders wanting to insure themselves against the stock market crash have been having plastic surgery, hoping that making them look less masculine will make them safer traders. It also means that their customers won’t be able to track them down.
According to a new clinical survey, men who have marginally more testosterone make more risky investments, while men who have marginally less testosterone host news-based quiz shows.
The survey also discovered that men with more classically masculine facial features take more financial risks. Which is why we see so many executives with beards… / All I have to say is – Richard Branson has a beard. / This is why ZZ Top are multibillionaires.
This is clearly why most stockbrokers are clean-shaven – it’s the only reason they don’t blow it all. / – it’s the only thing that keeps them from losing everything.
Many analysts blame the recent Wall St crashes on the rising tolerance of beards. / on subprime pubic hair.
If we want our economy to really go ballistic, clearly we need to replace all our stockbrokers and accountants with pornstars.
Congress are considering bailing out traders whose machismo has recently plummeted.
Further proof of the theory are lab experiments which have shown that gorillas almost invariably overcapitalise.
Not only does this explain the financial crisis on Wall St, but also why those guys on the stock market floor always sound like a bunch of aggravated gibbons.
Not only are men with high levels of testosterone more likely to take risks on the stock market, but more likely to beat their chests and jump around like a monkey.
Higher testosterone stockbrokers not only take more risks, but also having much higher levels of slapping themselves on the inner thigh.
Previous studies have shown that traders make more money on days when their testosterone levels are high. Though that might just be because they’ve been able to run faster.
Previous studies have shown that traders make more money on days when their testosterone levels are high. Might be worth doing the study again now that the market’s going south…
Previous studies have shown that traders make more money on days when their testosterone levels are high. So why didn’t we just forget the trillion dollar bailout and replace all the brokers with hairy jocks? WHY?
High levels of testosterone and manly features lead to irrational risk-taking. Scientists are still trying to work out what’s Dubya’s excuse. Maybe it’s just coz he looks like a monkey.
High levels of testosterone and manly features lead to irrational risk-taking. Clearly John Howard and George W Bush are actually a lot more manly than we all thought. / Clearly the Coalition of the Willing are actually a lot more manly than we all thought.
