Tomorrow is the first day of Parliament – or, as the Coalition’s calling it, “Revenge of the Nerds”!
Tomorrow is the first day of Parliament for the new Rudd Government. It’s a modern new-look Parliament: a female Deputy PM, several ministers under 50, and Mr Speaker has been replaced by Mr iPod. / Mr Earbud.
New MPs recently did a two-day training course on the day-to-day running of the house. The first day was dedicated to using “Mr Speaker” as a punctuation mark, and the second day was on how to slump in your chair and yell abuse.
The new pollies have been training up in the rules and regulations of parliamentary life – how to say “Mr Speaker”, what not to pick and eat, and how farting is to be covered up by saying “here here”.
They’ve been trained up in what language is appropriate for parliament, and what is not. For instance, “Will the leader of the opposition please wait until I’ve finished” is no good, and is to be substituted for the more appropriate phrase “You’re a bloody turkey, sit down and shut up, ya mong.”
The new pollies are being taught that parliamentary privileges should never be abused, unlike members of the opposition.
New MPs recently did a two-day training course on the day-to-day running of the house. In those two days, they learn: how to fall asleep without anyone catching on; how to heckle; how to forget events and conversations, and how to “lose” evidence; exactly how Dubya likes his coffee / blowjobs; how to properly address the iIlluminati and the Freemasons; and the exact times of the year that Moloch demands his child-sacrifices.
Kevin Rudd has moved into the Prime Minister’s office, and replaced John Howard’s Chesterfield lounges with the previous set of furniture. He was trying to remove any trace of Howard, and was also pretty sure they were bugged.
All traces of Mr Howard’s reign are being removed, including the eyebrow curlers, the platform shoes, and the walk-in-robes filled with tracksuits.
Kevin’s said to be so excited, he’s gone through a whole packet of Iced Vovos and half a pack of Chocolate Royales.
Kevin’s planning to change things around Parliament, installing a new bar, a new pole, and a new booth for the private lap-dances.
One of the strangest things for returning Parliamentarians will be settling in to chairs previously occupied by their opponents. And Kevin Rudd will discover that after 11 years, a 68-year-old’s chair can get a little sticky.
Peter Costello will move from Treasurer to Opposition Backbencher, which really opens up the possibilities for backstabbing!
Peter Costello and Alexander Downer have retired from the frontbenches, but will still be spending their time productively on behalf of their constituents, trying to land a paper plane on Rudd’s head. / trying to thwack Rudd with a spit-ball. / sitting at the back of the room chewing gum.
After the triumph of the Kevin07 campaign, the upper house is being renamed Senate08.
Of course, after the success of their Kevin07 campaign, the government can relax. “We’ve done our job now,” said Kevin. “We never mentioned 08!”
Prime Minister Rudd’s first motion will be the long-awaited “Told You I Was Popular Bill”.
Wayne Swan will be referring all questions about Treasury to Peter Costello, since “It’s his bloody budget!”
The old Mr Speaker is retiring, and going into organising raves as Mr Freaker. (wave hands in the air like you just don’t care)
The outgoing Speaker of the House gave advice to new MPs as to appropriate behaviour: address questions through the chair, follow the order of proceedings, and please go easy on Brendan, he’s new.
Brendan Nelson, in his first session as Opposition Leader, will face some curly questions. Particularly from Tony Abbott and Malcolm Turnbull.
And watch out for a little man trying to sneak in – have your eyebrow detectors ready…
