A professor from Victoria University wants thousands of Australian mums and dads to blast their kids awake with a smoke alarm to test their effectiveness. But keep it down, or you’ll wake her own kids.
It not only tests the alarm’s effectiveness, it’s also an excellent psychological test to see whether your children hold grudges.
This research is not only useful for telling how good smoke-detectors really are, but also working out exactly how to get parents to torture their own children.
One aim of the research is important to establish the effect of hearing loss on smoke alarm effectiveness, and the effect of smoke alarms on hearing loss.
If the kids don’t wake up with the alarm, they suggest you move the alarm closer to them. And if that still fails, try beating them with mallets.
Parents should also test their Ratsak by feeding it to their children and watching them die.
They’re also conducting an experiment where they ask mums and dads to dress up as hideous monsters and jump out of their children’s cupboards shrieking. / hide under their children’s beds at night and go “whoooooooo”. / wake up their kids with a chainsaw and hockey mask. / sneak into their children’s rooms while they’re asleep, and quietly set them on fire.
The researchers said they would do the experiments themselves, but there’s that annoying restraining order. / they’re not allowed anywhere near children anymore. / they’re not allowed out of the basement. / but they don’t want anyone to know what hideous monsters they’ve become.
Children are also experimenting to see if they can scream louder than the smoke alarm.
For her next experiment she’s going to see if children’s screaming will wake their parents.
For her next experiment she’s going to see how well children burn.
For her next experiment she’s going to see if she can get people to hit their pets with sticks.
Of course, the only real way to test smoke detectors properly is to set fire to the house. And make sure the kids are trapped inside.
And don’t forget to test all the safety switches in your house by shoving your children’s fingers into the power boards.
Kids do get awarded with a Certificate of Participation, so at least they have life-long proof of your sadism.
Kids get awarded with a Certificate of Participation, while parents get an official warning from the courts. / parents get a restraining order. / parents lose their children and are charged with abuse.
Best of all, after a while doing this, your kids will be able to sleep soundly through the loudest of alarms. Which is fantastic training for the next Great War.
Unfortunately, after a while doing this your kids will be able to sleep soundly through the smoke-detector. Then you need to start waking them up with actual smoke. / by actually setting fire to their rooms. / install air-raid sirens.
It’s all in the name of science. All participants get a delicious Japanese whale steak!
The experiment is ideally conducted on the day daylight savings ends. In fact it’s almost the only way you can get your kids to sleep the extra hour.
The researchers would prefer that the kids weren’t told about the fire drill in advance. That would spoil the fun.
But seriously, it’s a necessary research topic and could save lives. What? I said “But seriously”!
Of course, when a thousand mums and dads set off all their smoke-detectors at once, the resulting sound will not only wake up all their kids, it’ll deafen half the population. And then who’s gunna hear your precious alarms, eh?
Parents are asked to register the results online. And if your kids won’t get back to sleep, perhaps you’d like to attach a virus. / perhaps you can spam them for the rest of the night.
Parents are asked to register the results online. That way you won’t accidentally wake the researchers with an annoying phone call.
