Star Trek has boldy gone where it never has before – into the strange new world of perfumes.
It’s perfume, but not as we know it.
The Vulcan scent is plain water. Mixing it with any other smells just seems illogical. / Trying to smell like something you’re not is just illogical.
You can also buy the scent of Mr Spock. Though unfortunately, it turns out personal hygiene wasn’t logical. / that masking body odour isn’t logical.
Interesting. I had no idea when watching the show that Captain Kirk was pepper, cedar, vanilla and white musk flavoured.
It’s ideal if your B.O. needs a bit of beaming up.
Once scent is called “Tiberius”, after James T. Kirk’s middle name. Market testing found no-one would use a scent called “Shatner”.
And once the bottle runs out, all you need to do is reverse the dilithium crystals, and you’ll get one last big spray.
There’s also a scent for Klingons. It’s the blood of the weak.
There’s a manly scent based on chief engineer Scottie, which claims to drive girls crazy with sexual frenzy. Just put it on until ye canna take no more, and she’ll blow!
“Tiberius” is the perfect scent if you want to attract green chicks in 60’s miniskirts. And let’s face it, who doesn’t?
The scents may not get you to third base, but they’ll get you to Warp 4!
Trekkies are hoping that these scents are the secret ingredient that will finally get them laid. Poor deluded nerds.
So if the girls aren’t driven wild by your official Enterprise uniform or blaster pistol, it’s bound to be your unauthorised smell.
As well as aftershaves, there’s a range of perfumes. So you can sniff your armpit and pretend you’re with Uhura.
Unfortunately, it can be difficult washing the scents off. They tend to cling-on.
But William Shatner himself won’t be wearing Tiberius. He hates Star Trek. / He hates that bloody show. / He much prefers smelling like Denny Crane.
I’m sure Tiberius smells great, but I’d much rather be covered in Uhura.
Tiberius is said to have a “casual yet commanding” aroma. Bound to make you attractive, even wearing those Vulcan ears. / even wearing those stupid-looking Vulcan ears.
Tiberius is said to have a “casual yet commanding” aroma. The chicks will be so into you, you’ll even be able to leave the Vulcan ears on. / you won’t have to even take off the Spock-Ears.
Though if Trekkies really want to increase their sex appeal, maybe lose the Vulcan ears.
Trekkies are very excited about the scents. At last – something to spray out of their blaster! / Especially since they can set them to vaporise!
The scents were easy to prepare – they just aimed a blaster at the characters and vaporised them.
You apply the aftershave through a phaser, with a variety of sex appeal settings: stun, kill, or merely vaporise.
Of course, the scents are only modelled on the original series. Because everything since has just smelled of FAIL. / LAME.
The products aren’t limited to perfumes and aftershaves, however. There’s also a shampoo that is guaranteed to leave your hair Starfleet-fresh, and a dandruff treatment that removes all traces of Tribbles. / There’s also a cream to help clear up your asteroids.
Because if there’s one thing you want to smell like, it’s a bunch of old guys dressed up in spacesuits.
Unfortunately, it’s just a matter of time before the scents are assimilated by the Borg and just smell like all the other shit you can buy already.
