To get around a ban on smoking, Minnesota bars are renaming into “theatres”, with their staff and customers as “actors”. Throwing up in the toilets is known as “fluffing your lines”. / “giving a bad review”.
The smoking ban doesn’t apply to theatrical productions, so the pubs renaming themselves is the easiest way of stopping smokers from getting into acting.
The smoking ban doesn’t apply to theatrical productions – deep down, everybody really wants actors to die.
The first place to hold a “smoking performance” was a strip club named Gladiator’s. Not only can the girls now have a smoke without having to get dressed and go out in the cold, but all the smoke inside the venue helps hide the fact they’re all really fugly.
The law was passed to protect punters from second-hand smoke – although if you’re a non-smoker who goes into a bar that’s changed its whole nature to allow smoking, you’re asking for trouble. / you may expect a little second-hand smoke.
The Rock used to be a heavy-metal bar, but now it’s full of thesbians.
In one pub the patrons just sit around normally, supposedly playing their past selves in a production called “Before the Ban”. Although it does mean that the conversations are even more boring and repetitive than before. / Not only are the conversations getting really dull, but the same guy keeps on winning the meat raffle.
Unfortunately, if you’ve broken up with your partner since October the 1st, you’ve got to get back together to drink there.
In one pub the patrons just sit around normally, supposedly playing their past selves in a production called “Before the Ban”. And yet they’re still screwing up their lines.
So far they’ve performed “Sitting Around Getting Pissed”, “Watching The Sports Channel”, “Johnno Wins The Hamper” and “Rootin in the Dunnies”.
So far critical favourites are “The Tobacco Monologues”, “The Retching Cough” and “The Thick Black Loogie.” / “The Man in the Iron Lung”. / “Waiting for Emphysema.”
They’ve also performed some theatrical classics: “The Man in the Iron Lung”, “Waiting for Emphysema”, and “Macbeth Has A Smoko”.
One alleged production is called the Tobacco Monologues, though word is it really stinks.
Critics have said the “play” really stinks. Of old cigarette smoke.
It’s a moving play about a group of people sitting around drinking and smoking, listening to heavy-metal. The dialogue’s not great, but the passive smoking’s spectacular.
Many visitors to the bar aren’t even smokers. They just love the bar’s realism.
Every night the plays are totally improvised, except for the recurring final line “Last Drinks Please”. It’s very moving.
You’re allowed smokes if you’re “performing”. Although at some of the more surrealist performances you have to drink your ciggies and smoke your beer.
Other pubs have gotten heavily into the concept, relabelling their entrances as “stage doors”, with customers in costume. And the appalling service is just a ribald character trait!
Other pubs have gotten heavily into the theatre-concept, relabelling their entrances as “stage doors”, providing a “cast list” of bartenders, having customers arrive in costume, and charging 80 bucks to get in. / 180 bucks to sit in the dress circle.
At closing time, everyone applauds, yells “bravo” and gives the bartender a bouquet of roses.
Best of all, anyone who dies of lung cancer comes back the next night.
Most thankful of all are the punters who’ve actually died of lung cancer after October 1st – this way they get to live forever!
Of course some people always have to come along to play the disgruntled anti-smoking campaigner.
Of course, while stumbling home from the pub, punters keep getting hounded by the paparazzi. / by autograph-hunters.
Now punters sign their old packs of ciggies – they’re merch / they could become collectors’ items.
They’re now selling merchandise: 10 bucks for a tray full of genuine ash.
The state is threatening them with fines of up to $10,000 but the pubs aren’t worried – these things always have a twist ending.
The state is threatening them with fines of up to $10,000 but the pubs aren’t worried – every play needs a bad guy. / having a villain just makes the drama more exciting!
Unfortunately even non-actors are beginning to show signs of passive acting.
Sure passive smoking can have negative effects, but is it any improvement to have passive acting?
Unfortunately, a lot of smokers are now dying from second-hand acting.
Unfortunately just to compete, theatres are now having to employ drunks and smell of piss and vomit.
The nights have been so successful that some pubs are also offering rape and murder.
The lawyer who first discovered the loophole and pushed bars to use it is, ironically, a non-smoker. But having smokeless bars gave him no passive high. / gave him no chance to complain.
The lawyer who first discovered the loophole and pushed bars to use it is, ironically, a non-smoker. But being a lawyer, he just couldn’t help himself.
