Two German air force sergeants are facing court martials for cannibalism after drawing their own blood to make black puddings. But the prosecution may have a tough time – is it really cannibalism if you’re eating yourself? / is it really a crime if you’re consensually eating yourself?
Come on, they were just being environmentally responsible. Eating your own blood is like extreme recycling.
But these guys are just extreme recyclers. Not only do they eat their own blood, but they drink their own urine, and only sweat on the inside.
But these guys are just extreme recyclers. Not only do they eat their own blood, but they only ever shower in urine. / but they use it to water the garden.
They wouldn’t normally use their own blood, but you know, with these water restrictions…
Of course they wanted to make themselves into sausages – they were Frankfurters!
They were discovered when a Commanding Officer overheard a fellow soldier asking to be allowed to donate blood to the scheme. Those wacky German soldiers – they just love having their blood eaten.
They planned to mass-produce the sausages using the blood of comrades and family members, marketing it under the name “Real Frankfurters”.
Not only do they eat their own blood, but their lederhosen are made from human flesh. / human leder.
Not only is using your own blood to make sausages frowned upon, but it’s a court-martial if you eat your own earwax. / pick your nose and eat it. / bite your fingernails.
The German airforce says that making black pudding out of your own blood is sick and weird. You must use blood of your enemies!
It’s not the cannibalism that bothers them so much, it’s the total lack of sauerkraut.
Blood puddings should only be made from the blood of the innocent. / the blood of innocent animals.
The blood was mixed with onions, bacon, spices and bread crumbs, and served with fava beans and a nice chianti.
As cannibalism is not against the rules specifically, they’ll probably have to be charged with bringing the military into disrepute. Because the German army has such a lilywhite rep.
As cannibalism is not against the rules specifically, they’ll probably have to be charged with bringing the military into disrepute. Or not sharing.
Not only do they draw their own blood to make black puddings, but you should try their rum balls. / fish fingers. / mudcake. / pork sausage. / white sauce. / tongue. / nuggets.
It’s a recipe they got from their grandmother, a twisted sicko who makes black puddings from human blood. And you should see her knitting! / And she her knitting’s made from human flesh! / And her doilies are crocheted from human flesh!
It was an old recipe one of their grandmothers passed down, along with a delicious one for scones, that uses just a pinch of human skin to taste. / that uses nutmeg, cinnamon, and just a pinch of dried human flesh. / just a dollop of human brains.
It was an old recipe of one of their grandmothers, who was part of the little-known Nazi SSS: Secret Sausage Squad.
I knew it! The Nazis really were vampires!
Their efforts were published on the internet, where the recipe was downloaded by hundreds of people. And a couple of vampires.
Until now, nobody’s thought it’s weird that the German airforce has never had any casualties, but such a high rate of MIA… / Missing In Action…
The soldiers have apologised, and will return to eating their comrades. / the POWs. / the bodies of the fallen.
Now we know why these guys got into the military – where others see their comrades and friends dead on the ground, they just see a giant buffet. / they’re thinking about how to season them. / they’re deciding whether to serve them with a red or a white.
One problem for the military tribunal is that cannibalism isn’t covered in the military rule book. Another is that the court all love the taste.
They’re not so much finger-licking good as finger-sucking. / as blood-licking.
So now it’s a crime to eat yourself. Lucky Kevin Rudd isn’t in the German military – that earwax incident would have been instant expulsion.
A source at the base said, “It’s not some weird gay thing.” No, if it was they’d just tuck straight into the raw sausage. / they wouldn’t need the bread crumbs.
A source at the base said, “It’s not some weird gay thing.” No, it’s a weird “making puddings out of your OWN BLOOD” thing.
A source at the base said, “It’s not some weird gay thing.” Because cooking puddings made from your own blood is just so gay. / Yeah, because all homosexuals make puddings out of their own blood.
See? It’s not just gays that make puddings from their own blood!
When they took the sausages and rammed them up each other’s arses – that was more of a gay thing.
The source at the base emphasised that although they were auto-vampires, at least they weren’t gay. / poofs.
