Sheesh Kebab (Good News Week 24/11/08: Buzzers of Death)

A British man had his catering business closed down when he was discovered making kebabs next to the dead body of a staff member. The charges would have been much more serious, but he hadn’t got him on the spit yet.

The body was in a very bad way. But you should’ve seen what happened to the lamb.

The doctors examined the body before deciding to have it take-away.

They would have given him a blood transfusion but they couldn’t find a doner.

The kitchen was fly-infested, though the owner swears it wasn’t that way until he’d hired the dead guy. / the stiff.

He had to keep making kebabs; it was clear the recipe still needed some work.

It turned out the deceased had accidentally tried one of the kebabs.

See what happens when you use too much garlic sauce?

Sure, he was making kebabs next to a dead guy, but at least he wasn’t overdoing it on the garlic sauce.

Police confirmed that circumstances surrounding the death were not delicious. / there were no delicious circumstances.

A post-mortem examination confirmed the death was not suspicious, and the kebab was not delicious. / A post-mortem examination confirmed that, while the death was not suspicious, the kebab was still delicious.

A post-mortem examination confirmed the death was not suspicious – unlike the meat in the kebabs.

When asked whether he knew the man was dead, the indignant cook replied that he never used meat from someone who was still alive.

Sure, the guy was dead – but the salad wasn’t that fresh either.

The cook claims that he was so shocked at his friend’s death that he had to have a kebab to calm down.

The cook claims it wasn’t his fault. Rigor mortis just always makes him hungry. / Seeing someone die always makes him so hungry.

He claims he didn’t know the guy was dead. He assumed he was just having a little lie-down. Gets mighty warm in a kebab shop.

Well, until the ambulance arrived, he didn’t know he was dead. What, he was supposed to stop working just on the off chance?

To be fair, the ambulance had been called. It would have been less hygienic to drag the corpse out.

An ambulance was already on its way. Well, a take-away van with a siren.

The 45-year-old man has been banned from managing any food business, and is having to take up proper autopsies.

But the guy had just died! What better way to guarantee the meat is fresh? / Freshest meat that place has seen in ages.

Police shut the place down immediately, and the 45-year-old catering boss was banned from managing any food business. He’s now the world leader in embalming with garlic sauce.

Police shut the place down immediately, and the 45-year-old catering boss was banned from managing any food business. Although he is allowed to run a late-night stand specialising in embalming. / Although he is allowed to run a late-night funeral stand.

There go his dreams of running the first ever fast-food funeral home.

It wasn’t actually the dead body that got the place closed down – it was the maggots in the garlic sauce.

The police confirmed there were no suspicious circumstances, and the garlic sauce must have gotten there by accident. / …and the pita bread was just to keep him warm.

The owner told the police that the dead man made the best kebabs in town, and begged to have just a few more slices.

The cook stands by his actions, saying that no-one understands – that guy was a real prick.

I can’t believe people are surprised that there was a dead body in the kitchen. Has anyone ever tried English food?

Not so much a “shish kebab” as a “stiff kebab”.

It’s a shame he had to close down – that kebab shop was making a killing.

It’s a shame he had to close down – their kebabs were dead tasty.

The cook is nonplussed. He always claimed they were kebabs to die for.