Scientists are developing an artificial nose that will be able to detect the smell of fear, sniff for stress, and create olfactory “fingerprints” of suspects. Unfortunately the machine refuses to work until the scientists have a good long shower, change their shoes, and have a couple of extremely strong mints.
Scientists are developing a device that will be able to detect the smell of fear, sniff for stress, and create olfactory “fingerprints” of suspects. The scientists are just secretly glad they’ve finally found a use for the giant mutant nose they created.
The machine works perfectly, unless it has a cold.
Modern terrorists are fighting back, and now all carry stinkbombs. / and before an attack, go extra heavy on the garlic.
The machine can detect terrorists. Or anyone else that has recently eaten kebabs. / Apparently, they smell like hummus.
The worst part about using the machine is having to trim its giant metal nostril hairs.
Not only can the giant artificial nose detect criminals, but it then traps them with its robotic nostril hairs. / traps them in a thick cocoon of mucous.
The machine is sensitive to the smell of adrenaline, the stress hormone, which will make it easy to detect nervous passengers. That way, police should be able to round up people who are terrorists, drug smugglers, or just scared of flying. (Just to make them feel a little bit more terrified.)
Of course, if you’re a nervous flyer, the robot nose will more than likely mistake you for a terrorist. Which does wonders for easing your nerves. / Just the thing to relax you as you walk through security. / Just another thing to be terrified of, really.
The machine can detect the smell of fear, no matter whether it’s urine or faeces.
Body odours change with fear, especially when you piss yourself. / shit yourself.
They need the artificial nose since the previous method of having a dog sniff your crotch was notoriously unreliable.
Of course it’s unable to tell whether you’re stressed because you’re a terrorist, or because you’re being frisked by an artificial nose.
Homeland Security is also hoping to create a “smell bank” for crime scenes, which could be used in court like DNA or fingerprints. So the criminal of the future will have to wear after-shave.
Homeland Security is also hoping to create a “smell bank” which could be used to identify people like fingerprints do today. Unfortunately, crims are smart, and will just always wear someone else’s clothes…
Homeland Security is also hoping to create a “smell bank” which could be used to identify people like fingerprints do today. Unfortunately, this will lead to a spate of innocent people being mugged for their odour.
Unfortunately, you can totally evade the machine by stuffing your luggage with Odor-Eaters. You become an olfactory black hole!
Satisfied with their robot nose that can detect nervousness, scientists are now working on a giant tongue that can taste evil thoughts. / taste your MIND.
Odours caused by stress apparently spread in 6 metre clouds around your body, which the machine can then detect. That’s right people – right now, you’re all sitting in multiple clouds of other people’s body smells, their stenches slowly settling on your clothes, on your skin, their BO molecules coating you like soot, your lungs breathing them in, other people’s foulness resting on your tongue. Sometimes, knowledge is a BAD thing.
To cover their tell-tale odours, terrorists will now be stuffing their bomb-straps with dope.
Chemists can identify human smells by age. As can anyone who’s visited a nursing home.
Chemists can identify a person’s age by the way they smell. Although it’s a lot easier just to count the wrinkles. / just to ask. And considerably more polite.
It’s amazing what you can smell these days. And yet no-one’s found the sweet smell of success.
They’re also hoping to identify the body scent of depression… (breathy) Depression… by Loreal.
They’re also hoping to identify the body scent of depression. Smells surprisingly similar to Brut 33.
Of course the risk is that the robot nose will develop intelligence and become a new form of nostrilly evil.
They’ve based the machine on the way a dog’s nose works. Unfortunately, this means the machine does have a tendency to eat its own vomit. / dry hump your leg.
Personally, I’m suspicious that these artificial noses will determine who’s a terrorist. What about a little thing called “he who smelt it, dealt it”?
Smell could also be used to help determine paternity suits. The only difficulty is getting the possible fathers to fill their nappy.
Smell could also be used to help determine paternity suits. Sure, they’ve already got DNA testing, but that doesn’t involve any sort of giant robot nose machine.
The best thing about an artificial nose is that it can run all day.
The artificial nose runs continually. Which is great for surveillance purposes, but does mean they go through a lot of tissues.
The artificial nose is extremely efficient to run, just needing an occasional snot-change.
Unfortunately, it may not stop terrorists. Even in a crowded airport, the robot nose is easy to pick.
