According to the US military, Iraqi prisoners of war are choosing to stay in captivity to complete their studies. And they actually love the regular beatings!
Turns out most of the Iraqi insurgency are actually only in it for the educational opportunities.
And they’re not being tortured – it’s just corporal punishment.
And not only is it educational to be an Iraqi prisoner, it’s fun!
It’s really like a big study camp, only with more genital electrocution.
It’s just like a regular school. For instance, this week students had to hand in a book report, recite their times-tables, and reveal the whereabouts of Osama bin Laden. / and stand hooded on a box while being beaten with sticks. / and form a naked pyramid. / and get photographed being mauled by dogs.
It’s different from the schools they’ve been used to: more emphasis on English and maths and less on suicidal jihad. / blowing up.
And when they graduate they get a certificate rather than a carbomb / 72 virgins.
It’s just like a regular school. It’s just that, instead of focusing on maths and literacy, it focuses on interrogation and solitary confinement.
It’s just like a regular school. It’s just that, instead of developing students’ skills in maths and literacy, it develops their skills in saying-whatever-you-want-me-to-just-stop-the-pain. / their skills in grovelling and dobbing in their friends. / their skills in slowly cutting through iron bars with a nail-file.
The education programs have been excellent at giving the Iraqis skills that they can take back out into the real world to ensure that next time, they don’t get caught.
More Iraqi detainees are refusing to leave detention centres despite being eligible for release because they want to complete studies begun behind bars. Also, it’s where all the cool kids hang out.
The education in detention centres is particularly effective. Not only is being stacked in a human pyramid great phys-ed, but it also gives great personal insight into geometry.
The education in detention centres is particularly effective. There’s no need for detention, coz they’re already detained, and when students play up, they just disappear!
Of course, the teachers can’t really give the students detention…
One problem for teachers is that in detention centres, detention loses some of its impact. So they set the dogs on ‘em instead.
It’s the only education system where students are automatically given detention, and spend most of their time trying to get expelled.
Detention centres provide education equal to that anywhere else in Iraq, and with less chance of being bombed.
Detainees are asking to stay behind so they can finish their studies, and their pipe-bombs.
It’s a great school, really. And the cheerleaders make the best naked pyramids!
Of course, if you hit the teacher with a spitball, they let the dogs out.
One student fired a spitball and twelve people died.
Although it’s hard for students to know their grade – the teachers aren’t allowed to leave marks…
“Good morning class.” “Good morning Mr Infidel.”
They’re learning some eye-opening stuff in classes. Apparently Americans don’t actually realise they’re Satanic imperial pig-dogs!
Parents of juvenile detainees have asked that siblings be locked up with their brothers so they could also benefit from the educational programs. Also it’s easier than finding a babysitter. / You ever tried to find a babysitter in war-torn Iraq?
So after five years, Bush and Cheney have their first credible rationale for the war: education of the enemies of the West that the invasion will create.
According to General Stone, more Iraqis are currently being freed than are being arrested. Yes, well, that’s because most of them are innocent civilians. / Turns out that most of them were innocent civilians. Oh how we laughed.
Major General Stone said that “we don’t want them to remain in detention, we want them to go home. If the detainees we’ve had locked up for about a year are actually innocent, it’s best to send them back to the homes we’ve just finished blowing to smithereens.” / it’s best to send them home to live the rest of their lives in fear.” / we could be educating our boys.”
That’s right. The Iraqis have had their country utterly obliterated, they’ve been captured and imprisoned, and they’re still going to be better educated than the average western solider.
