The swimming world is in crisis after world records are tumbling to Frenchmen wearing unapproved flotation-enhanced swimsuits. So ladies, be careful with French swimmers – that may not be all their own croissant.
You can tell the suits unfairly aid flotation, when you see the swimming coach pull the swimmers down from the ceiling with a string tied around their ankles.
Next they’ll say it’s an unfair advantage to be wearing an outboard motor. / wearing a shark. / to be strapped to a dolphin.
Sure, it may seem like a lot of fuss over a swimsuit, until you realise they weren’t moving their arms. / any of their limbs.
There’s only one answer. Full nudity. Ohhh yeah.
To counter, Australian swimmers are developing their own technologically-advanced swimwear. Budgie smugglers including real budgies. They’ll flap us to victory!
It’s all this new technology. It’s hardly surprising that a wi-fi swimsuit can get you further than the old wired variety.
The suits are thought to enhance flotation, so the French swimmers can concentrate on swimming quickly, without having to worry about not drowning!
You can tell the suits enhance flotation, the way the swimmers don’t get wet.
And here I was thinking that floaties would slow you down.
If only OUR swimmers could float.
I dunno why Aussie swimmers are complaining about these extra-floaty suits. If they need to compete, they can borrow my pool pony.
It’s getting ridiculous. Flotation-enhanced suits should only be allowed to compete in the 100 metre pool pony.
Of course, it’s not the suit as such that people have complaints about – it’s the little propeller on his arse.
Not only should the suits be allowed, they should be ENCOURAGED. I want to see every swimmer decked out in space-aged suits with fins and flippers and scales and gills! And if they win a race, no more gold medals – they should just be given a kiss, and thrown back in.
But records these days are being broken by fractions of seconds! Realistically, they’re virtually all the same speed anyway. Space-aged suits is the only way to make the sport INTERESTING again.
Why use fancy suits to get the swimmers to swim extra fast, when you could just chuck a shark in?
Geez, all this fuss over someone using a tool to do what they do a little faster. Hello – this is what humans DO!
See, most technological advances that allow humans to get stuff done more quickly are heralded as great achievements, but if you apply it swimming, suddenly you’re a criminal! Settle down, luddites.
Of course, the real fuss isn’t over the suit, and we all know it. The real fuss is that this fancy French guy took the world record away from a good honest Aussie. We’d still be complaining even if he was bare-bollock NAKED.
Of course, the real fuss isn’t over the suit, and we all know it. The real fuss is that the suit wasn’t being worn by an Aussie.
Of course, the real fuss isn’t over the suit, and we all know it. After all, if he’d been wearing that suit and LOST, do you think anyone would’ve made a peep?
The Aussie swimmers will have to strike back somehow. Winged keel anyone?
Those French bastards – using technology to beat us good honest Aussies! Sneaky technological innovations should be restricted to international yachting!
The other swimmers don’t stand a chance against French swimming costumes that are flotation-enhanced, bullet-proof, and smell like stale Brie.
The other swimmers don’t stand a chance against the French swimming costumes. Not only are they flotation-enhanced, but can be used to blow up the Rainbow Warrior.
But let’s go easy on the French swimming cossies. After all, we know what the French do to their rivals in the water – we don’t want another Rainbow Warrior happening in the 100 metres freestyle.
The suits aid with flotation, keeping the swimmer high in the water. Now we know Phelpsy’s secret!
The last time a swimmer broke a world record using artificial floatation was Phelpsy after a bong binge.
Though it’s possible science has gone too far if races start being won by technologically-advanced swimsuits that are empty.
Maybe we can get some of these super-suits for our cricket team. Then at least they can swim fast.
Of course they’re also developing special performance-enhanced suits for cricketers. Bullet-proof.
Perhaps they could give some technologically-enhanced suits to the Aussie Davis Cup team, and then they wouldn’t be such wusses. “Ooh, I don’t wanna go to India, they have terrorists” – waah waah, just get yourself a super-suit, Lleyton.
