Categories
Glass House

The Canonical List Of Aussie Values (The Glass House 8/3/06)

And now a canonical list of the Aussie values that John Howard and Peter Costello would like to see restored.

* Whiteness
* Having money
* Going to a reputable college
* Believing in “Australian values”
* Knowing the names of the entire Australian XI
* A deep-seated love of Phar Lap
* Idolising bushrangers
* Idolising failed explorers
* Idolising young men mown down by gunfire
* Idolising Australian Idol
* Darryl
* Rove
* Bert
* Shannon
* The Queen
* The real God
* Adolf, sorry, er, not Adolf
* Playing God Save the Queen at the Empire Games
* That every true Australian should be a share-holder – of things they used to own
* Empathising with cardboard Neighbours characters rather than real people locked behind razor-wire
* The good old days
* The Union Jack in its proper place in the top left
* Jesus-worship
* Dubya-worship
* U.S.-worship
* U.S.-warship-worship
* Monoculturalism
* Not “mushy multiculturalism”, closed-minded imperialism
* Not burquas, bikinis
* Not Sharia Laws, John Laws
* The only “veils” we will allow are Coalition front-benchers…
* No more bocce or trugo – it’s cricket or nothin’.
* Felafels are acceptable, but only with tomato sauce.
* Burqas are acceptable, but only for fat chicks
* Serfs and gentry should have separate mess rooms
* The divine right of corporate rule
* The divine right of Media Empires
* Fish and chips
* Beer
* Nuclear waste
* An unwillingness to learn anything from indigenous people
* Unquestioningly swallowing transparent or inconsistent lies
* A belief in deporting foreigners – unless they’re good at sport
* Lawn mowers
* Large mortgages
* Having a growing mortgage that you can leave the kids
* Submitting to their glorious leader, me!
* Tracksuits
* Voting Liberal
* Privatisation
* War Profiteering
* Kickbacks
* Detention centres
* Kerry Packer
* Everything Kerry Packer’s ever done
* Tax avoidance
* Sir Donald Bradman
* Shane Warne
* Advanced Hair Yeah Yeah
* Environmental disaster
* Fear
* Lying
* Alan Jones
* The 50s
* A belief that the right things are good
* A belief that the wrong things are bad

By Wok and Mat

Warwick Holt and Mat Blackwell are long-time writing partners, who created the mega-award winning web series Bruce, and wrote loads of jokes for TV shows including Good News Week, The Sideshow and The Glass House. Several years of their raw material for those shows is posted right here on this blog.

Leave a Reply