Canadian scientists have confirmed what we’ve all feared – an outbreak of zombies could lead to the collapse of civilisation! It’s a theoretical model – there is no actual evidence that zombies could exist, meaning that it really is a groundbreaking redefinition of “scientists”.
The researchers decided to only model classic, slow-moving zombies, rather than the nimble, intelligent creatures portrayed in recent films. I mean, let’s not be ridiculous here.
The researchers say the work could potentially help scientists model the spread of unfamiliar diseases through human populations. Plus they reckon zombies are cool as.
The researchers say the work could potentially help scientists model the spread of unfamiliar diseases through human populations. But they’re happy to leave the boring work to the undergrads.
They could have modelled the spread of a real-life disease. But then it’s so much more difficult to justify all the hacking off people’s heads with a spade.
A key difference between zombies and real infections is that “zombies can come back to life”. Which you would’ve thought meant killing them was a bit pointless. / Makes you wonder why you’d bothered killing them in the first place, really.
Next, they plan to investigate the likelihood of surviving an attack by Killer Tomatoes. (It’s not looking good.)
According to the scientists, our best plan of attack is to fight back with robot werewolves, and, as such, are now beginning the arduous task of designing and building a fleet of robot werewolves. Ooh, with laser eyes.
Their research concludes that beheading is the only way to deal with them, although it’s also fun to set them on fire.
Their research concludes that there are only two ways to deal with zombies – behead them, or use them to answer your enquiries at Telstra.
Their research concludes that there are only two ways to deal with zombies – behead them, or pit them against three wolf-men and a dalek. / or repel them simply by rolling 1d20 plus your Charisma modifier, then rolling 2d6 plus your cleric level! YEAH!
And who says that scientists have too much time on their hands?
But the research is actually very serious. Because a zombie virus may turn out to be the only thing that can cure cancer.
And the scientists say that it won’t be until they’ve worked out the best containment process that they’ll let the zombie virus loose.
The analysis reveals that a strategy of capturing or curing the zombies would only put off the inevitable – they must be violently attacked as quickly as possible. Obviously we should also be looking at a new way of containing swine flu.
Professor Robert Smith? says that the research shows that epidemics like swine flu are best handled by decapitation of the infected.
The researchers are very pleased to have found a way to be paid for playing Doom.
Professor Robert Smith? spells his surname with a question mark and studies the spread of zombies. If I were the University of Ottawa I’d double check that his professorship isn’t from the University of Fa-de-la-la. / Humpity-humpity-zwing! / Crazytown.
But Professor Robert Smith Question Mark is a fraud, a crank and a crackpot, according to Doctor Iggy Pop Backslash Backslash Tilda 6.
But if there ever is an outbreak of zombie virus, you can rest assured we’ve got Professor Robert Smith? working on the Cure.
Assuming a total population N, made up of Z zombies, N minus Z non-zombie humans, the paper proves beyond doubt that there is a non-zero number U of universities who can be conned into funding anything.
