The Sideshow Ep. 8: monologue material

The NSW Shooters’ Party wants children to begin firearms training at 10 and reinstate shooting programs in schools. They’re worried that, compared to American school-shootings, we’re falling way behind. / Because frankly our levels of school shootings just aren’t internationally competitive.

The Shooters’ Party are keen to encourage young shooters – their members keep getting killed by rival underworld gangs… / their AGM is always a bloodbath, and they desperately need restocking.

At the moment, 12 year-olds can gain a gun permit, allowing them to shoot semi-automatic pistols and other weapons under supervision, but MP Roy Smith says the Shooters’ Party will lobby parliament to allow 10 year-olds to gain 2 years experience with air rifles first. The Party’s strategy to avoid teenage shootings is to give the kiddies guns before they become teenagers.

Armed ten-year-olds would be terrifying: if they don’t get you with their bloody hail of automatic machine-gun fire, they’ll get you with nipple-cripples and Chinese burns.

Smith said, “Kids these days get in trouble because we don’t trust them with anything. We don’t trust kids with pocket knives and we don’t trust them with crackers. Essentially, the first taste of responsibility kids get is when we hand them the keys to the car – often with tragic consequences.” Basically, he’s saying “It’s too dangerous to trust our kids with cars at age 18 – we should give ’em guns at 10.”

“We want to make sure that any potentially-dangerous young drivers are discouraged from getting behind the wheel, by having their fellow students shoot them.”

“See, that was the trouble with the Virginia Tech killings – that kid just wasn’t trained enough.”

Because a lot of car accidents could be avoided if someone just shot bad drivers’ tyres out.

The idea is, any potentially dangerous drivers should have already been taken down by their mates.

A lot of car accidents could be avoided… though drivebys would increase.

Trusting 10-year-olds with guns nearly as bad as trusting the Shooters’ Party with parliamentary decisions…

But what do we need guns for in Australia? To discourage insurgent wombats? To take out guerilla wallabies? Let’s face it, the most popular target for shooters in Australia is that most evil of enemies, the road sign.

If we don’t train our youngsters to shoot straight, where’s our next generation of underworld gangsters going to come from? And we’re running out now!

That’s what we need more of – angry teenagers who can shoot really well! / It’s bound to make us all safer when every rebellious teenager is a trained marksman…

I remember when the old school yard taunt “bang bang, you’re dead, 50 bullets in your head” was just a saying…

Smith said they would also lobby for shooting lessons to be reintroduced to school curriculums. And if lobbying doesn’t work, they’re going to start shootin’. / takin’ prisoners.

Get rid off those subjects like science and humanities -how are they gunna help you pouch a roo? / blow away wildlife?

Smith said they would also lobby for shooting lessons to be reintroduced to school curriculums. Because macaroni glued to paper plates and spray-painted silver just isn’t dangerous enough. / Because, when the time comes and we have to defend this great land of ours against the invading hordes, we’d better have more sophisticated weapons than just macaroni glued to paper plates and spray-painted silver.

The Shooters’ Party have a broad range of policies: control interest-rates by threatening to blow their heads off, a “shoot first ask questions later” approach to policing, a GST exemption for firearms, and a “shoot first ask questions later” approach to parliamentary question time.

We’re going to have to arm up our kiddies: otherwise, who’s going to defend the schools from the Shooters’ Party?

They’ve already won the support of the Murderer’s Party, the Psychopaths Party and the Rednecks-Sitting-On-The-Porch-In-Rocking-Chairs Party…

—

During the Live Earth concerts next month, Al Gore was hoping that millions of people across the UK would turn off their lights in a symbolic gesture that would resonate around the world. Because symbolic gestures are so much better than actual change.

Britain’s National Power Grid has vetoed the idea, saying it’d cause all sorts of problems when everyone turned them back on. So instead, they’re telling everyone to just close their eyes and pretend. Which has been John Howard’s environmental policy all along…

The line-up for the event has been deliberately chosen to further save greenhouse gases – everyone will take one look at the losers playing, and immediately turn off their TVs.

Unfortunately the grid is still under threat. Even without wanting to save greenhouse gas, most homes are going to switch off the electricity anyway to avoid the music.

Another strategy is to turn all the lights off and leave them off. That also has the added bonus of helping the ancient has-beens filling the stage not look quite so much like mummified geriatrics.

The National Power Grid has a much better idea: turn off all the amps. Especially during Madonna’s set.

Another way of saving power might be to not hold massive 24-hour worldwide concerts. Just a thought…

Can’t we come up with a better grand gesture about climate change? I know, maybe some sort of protocol!

Maybe we could release a bunch of those black balloons the government are telling us use up all our energy!

As a symbolic gesture, everyone could melt an icecap. Or at least an ice-cube.

Another great symbolic gesture is to plant a tree. Of course, in these times of water rationing and energy conservation, the best kind of tree to plant is one that’s already dead.

Another symbolic gesture would be to abandon Bush and Howard on a melting icecap. Purely symbolically, of course.

The 24-hour, multinational concert is full of symbolic gestures: to represent the concept of recycling old rubbish, Bon Jovi and Duran Duran will play; the John Butler Trio will symbolise water-conservation by continuing not to shower; to symbolise reusing old bags, there’ll be a new song by Madonna; Wolfmother will symbolise how the world can be saved simply through recycling old Black Sabbath riffs; to symbolise just how long some rubbish can actually last, there’ll be an appearance from Genesis and The Police; and Snoop Dogg will symbolise the earth-friendly values of shooting people and selling hard drugs.

Eskimo Joe will symbolise the melting icecaps, Crowded House will symbolise the effects of overpopulation, and popular German reggae musician Jan Delay will symbolise the government’s attitude to climate change.

—
MySpace Australia has enlisted government and opposition MPs to create profiles on the site before the election. The pages will be designed to allow politicians to run videos, add blogs & collect friends – although in Howard’s case, cronies will do.

MySpace says the “Impact Channel” project would allow politicians to engage with younger voters, a “difficult to reach” but important demographic. It was either that or record a gangsta-rap song.

Rudd and Howard are now in a desperate struggle to out-“friend” each other. But that’s got nothing to do with MySpace…

John Howard has discovered that finding friends on the internet is so much easier than in real life… and best of all, most of them want to sell him penile enlargements at record low prices!

It was only a matter of time before our pollies ended up on the internet. After all, MySpace and the government have a lot in common – they’re both owned by Rupert Murdoch.

Technically, Rupert Murdoch owns their cyberspace identities. But then, he owns their meatspace ones too…

Howard will create a profile, but you won’t be able to see it unless you’ve befriended him before the election’s called…

Peter Costello is planning on making his own profile, but he still hasn’t found the right emoticon for “smug”.

Collecting friends is a completely new idea to most politicians – they’re used to having to buy them.

Of course, it can be confusing for these old pollies to be on the internet. In fact, Howard destroyed his laptop with a fire-extinguisher when he found his PC had a firewall…

Kevin Rudd and Joe Hockey used to be MySpace friends, but Hockey kept posting abusive comments about Kevin’s wife…

Bronwyn Bishop’s set up her own profile, but so far, she’s got no friends – even Tom the autofriend deleted himself…

Malcolm Turnbull is trying desperately to make friends with environmental groups. Although that’s got nothing to do with MySpace.

The election will be decided by whoever’s got the most MySpace friends / the most comments / the most Kudos points.

To lure younger voters to the pollbooths this year, the political leaders are also recording gangsta-rap tunes. John Howard has also changed his name to J-Ho, while Kevin Rudd is now known as Rudd Daddy. / Snoop Ruddy-Rudd.

APOLOGIES: SHOW 8

Members of the Shooters’ Party were going to appear on the show tonight, but they had to shoot it out with an angry mob of “Wombat Crossing” signs.

The President of the Shooters’ Party was going to appear on the show tonight, but he had detention…

Al Gore was booked to appear on the show tonight, but he only appears on shows that feature all the biggest stars, last for 24 hours, and are shown all around the world simultaneously. / only appears on shows that are powered by solar energy.

Al Gore was going to be on the show tonight, but at the last minute he had to go to the dentist. That’s right. It was an inconvenient tooth…

Al Gore was going to be on the show tonight, but he said that the only symbolic gesture our show represents can’t be shown on television.

John Howard was going to come on the show, but he refused to commit to such a specific target.

Katie Holmes couldn’t make it – she’s busy expanding her family. To the planet Crombinon.

Katie Holmes couldn’t make it – she’s busy expanding her family. That’s what Scientologists do instead of having picnics.

Katie Holmes can’t make it, she’s busy gettin’ busy to expand her family. Yes, she and Tom are planning to have a new little bub – and this one will have hair all over!

Katie Holmes can’t make it, she’s planning to have a new little bub. This one’s for Hubbard. / This one gets sacrificed for the aliens.

Peter Garrett couldn’t make it – the transport to get here would have emitted a bit too much greenhouse gas.

Peter Garrett wanted to stop by – but he’s reduced his greenhouse use so much that he can no longer leave the house.

We were going to have some union leaders on the show, but, you know, 7:30…

An apology here from union boss Dean Mighell… (look at apology) which is definitely not suitable for this timeslot.

LATER: SHOW 8

Peter Costello will attempt to become Prime Minister without anyone ever voting for him!

And, with the impending release of the new Transformers movie, John Howard tries to get the youth vote by calling himself “Optimus Prime Minister”…

Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise will demonstrate how to conceive – Scientology-style…

The Shooters’ Party fight it out with the Union of Chainsaw Fanciers!

The Dalai Lama will admit he’s not a real llama at all, but is more closely related to the moose.

John Howard will attempt an amazing word-by-word re-creation of the 2004 election campaign…

Paris Hilton will be demonstrating her new-found devotion to our lord Jesus Christ, by giving him a lapdance…

The Queen will be popping in to show us the party tricks she’s got lined up for Monday! I don’t wanna spoil it, but let’s just say you’ll never look a corgi the same way again…

We’ll see who’d win a fight between the Shooters’ Party and a mime…

NEXT WEEK: SHOW 8

And it’s the Queen’s Birthday public holiday on Monday, the day we all show our respect to Her Majesty by having a Barbie, watching the footy, and getting pissed. She’s always so touched… / Just for her.

Kevin Rudd will meet the Dalai Lama, where Kevin will show off his knowledge of Chinese customs by violently oppressing him with a reign of terror.

Kevin Rudd will meet the Dalai Lama, where Kevin will show off his Mandarin, and the Lama will show off his punch to the nose.

The Dalai Lama will leave Australia 4 days later, and Rudd will have to go back to his regular everyday lama. / daily lama.

It’ll be NSW versus Queensland in the rugby State of Origin game next week. And it’s Navel versus Valencia in the State of Oranges.

Paris Hilton, who has allegedly found God, will be in jail. Well, we assume she’s found God. She was certainly moaning “Oh God” a lot.

Paris Hilton, who has allegedly found God, will be in jail. At least, he said he was God.

Paris Hilton, who has allegedly found God, will be in jail. Well, we assume she’s found God. She definitely said something about a second coming…

Paris Hilton, who has allegedly found God, will be in jail. Apparently she found God during one particularly strong cocaine binge.

She heard the word of God – well, she saw the text message of God, anyway. / well, he left a message on her voicemail, anyway.