Turn left, puny human! (The Glass House 14/9/05)

Boffins are developing in-car computers that offer more human directions, using landmarks to direct you instead of distances. But what a car considers a stand-out landmark is different to a human. “Go right at the petrol station, then right again at the Mufflers-R-Us – oh, and can we stop off at the lube shop again? Please?”

It gives directions just like a human. “Go left! Nah, sorry, right! Not here – there! No, left there, right here! For God’s sake! Look, let me drive.”

The in-car computer will also mimic other human behaviour, such as asking to pull over to buy snacks and getting car-sick.

Of course, when it says “left at McDonalds”, you could be anywhere.

And it works in any country: “Left at the McDonalds, past the HMV, left at the Starbucks, just past the KFC, and it’s behind the Office of Homeland Security.”

Old cars get nostalgic. “Go left where the old State Bank used to be, then right where Mr and Mrs Johnson’s Milk Bar was. Now Mr and Mrs Johnson, they were a lovely couple, always had the nicest petunias…”

They’re going to trial the prototype on tourists during next year’s Commonwealth Games. Yeah, that’s going to work real well. (British accent) “What in blazes is a Red Rooster? A large Merino? And who’s this Crazy John fellow?”

It works fine with Holdens and Fords, but Mitsubishis and Hyundais are totally lost unless there’s a karaoke bar nearby, and Citroens keep looking for the Eiffel Tower.

It’s great having intelligent robot cars – as long as they don’t gang up and decide to “kill the puny humans”.

It’s great having an intelligent car – until it tries to impress that hot Ferrari at the lights by doing doughies down the main road…

Monaros can now automatically do doughnuts and burnouts, but refuse to go anywhere until you buy them mags and a wikid phat subwoofer. / “I aint going nowhere til you buy me mags and get me tinted, bro!”

“Left at the supermarket and right at the high school. By the way… what is “love”?”

You can set it to different personalities. Some are polite: “please turn left, master”; others are more assertive: “Left, puny human! You have five seconds to comply!” My favourite’s the “Lost In Space” setting, it just flaps its rear-view mirrors going (flap robot arms ineffectually) “DANGER! DANGER!”

They’re not just using the technology in cars, either: soon ordinary home computers won’t “boot up”, they’ll “wake up”, “using the internet” will be “visiting the library”, and “crashing” will be called “chucking a tanty”.

Street directories are also using the new technology. Now when you look up an address, instead of saying 64 E5, it says “down past the library, right at the post office, and left again at the high school.” The index is like 500 pages thick.

People choose landmarks due to various factors. Buildings of an unusual size, shape or colour. People never lose their way to the giant purple octagon. Especially if they’re coming from the flashing neon pyramid via the World’s Biggest Ball of String.