A Japanese inventor has created a remote control for anything that can be controlled by facial expressions. Good. I hate hands.
At last I can once and for all get rid of my useless hands.
Because fingers are so cumbersome. / Because who wants hands?
Because pressing a button is just way too difficult.
But why should we have to go to all the effort of winking? Why can’t the iPod just do it without us getting involved at all?
And I thought Generation X were meant to be slackers… at least they could be arsed pushing their own buttons.
You will be able to turn on your washing machine with a twitch of your mouth. Which is useless unless you’ve already loaded it with your washing. Which, presumably, you did with your hands, in the laundry, right next to your washing machine. RIGHT WHERE THE ‘ON’ BUTTON IS.
You will be able to turn on your washing machine with a twitch of your mouth. Unfortunately, you still have to load it with clothes the old fashioned way. But, if you like, you can do that with your mouth too.
When you make a facial expression, the hands-free remote control detects tiny movements inside your ear. Now all we need to render our hands obsolete is opposable earlobes.
Sticking out your tongue could start your iPod, widening your eyes could skip to the next track, a twitch of your mouth could turn your washing machine on. And an epileptic fit blows up your house.
It’s a hands-free remote control. Because our hands are filled with the other 12 billion remote controls we need to live…
Finally, a hands-free remote control for the washing machine. Because walking over and pressing that “on” button was really starting to shit me.
You’ll be able to switch on lights by just moving your face. It’s similar to a system I have at home, where I’m able to switch lights on and off at will by simply moving a finger. Quite handy.
Of course, no-one’s stopping you turning lights on and off with your face WITHOUT one of these inventions – just lean in and try it!
Its inventor says the machine could get to know its user, and, for instance, if it judges you aren’t smiling enough, it could play you a cheerful song. And our moods will be appropriately altered in accordance with its robo-tronic ideals. / And if the remote gets its way, we will all be optimally programmed for satisfaction. / Or you could buy the “bastard” model, that just tries its best to drive you to suicide.
It will also monitor your facial signals, and, if you’re not smiling enough “play you a cheerful song”. Personally, and I’m sure it’s not just me, I like my remote controls to just SHUT UP AND MIND THEIR OWN BUSINESS.
It will also monitor your facial signals, and, if you’re not smiling enough “play you a cheerful song”. Do you see what’s happening here people? We’re being psychologically managed by our REMOTE CONTROLS.
It will also monitor your facial signals, and, if you’re not smiling enough “play you a cheerful song”. See, I would’ve thought the LAST thing you’d want to hear at your mum’s funeral is “Yackety Sax”.
It will also monitor your facial signals, and, if you’re not smiling enough “play you a cheerful song”. However, the LAST thing you want is to suddenly hear “Yackety Sax” while you’re giving a speech at your mum’s funeral. / giving a eulogy.
It will also monitor your facial signals, and, if you’re not smiling enough “play you a cheerful song”. Or, if you’re too happy, some Leonard Cohen. / some emo.
The machine could also detect whether someone was unwell and send a warning message to relatives. Or before you get to that point, it could just nag you to eat better and do some exercise.
The device looks like a normal set of headphones, but is fitted with infrared sensors that measure tiny movements inside the ear. And it can also be used to directly implant the mind control waves.
Unfortunately when you’re flirting it starts your washing machine.
The inventor says we’ll all be able to “swing your washing machine into action with a quick twitch of your mouth”. And who hasn’t wanted to do that?
And who hasn’t dreamed of one day turning their lights on and off by twitching? Eh? Be honest.
And it’s a great way of accelerating your mobile-phone-cancer.
Though unfortunately if you have a stroke you might break your phone. / you can no longer rewind your MP3s. / you can’t turn the song off repeat.
Unfortunately users will no longer be able to express emotion without sending their home into meltdown.
I can imagine the day, though, when you twitch your eye to turn on a load of coloureds, and the machine just says “I’m afraid I can’t let you do that, Dave.”
Though you don’t want it to control too many devices or your expressions will become too close. All you want is to turn on your iPod and you end up switching off the lights, starting a rinse cycle, and microwaving the cat.
Finally, you can operate your iPod with your eye. / Finally, someone’s putting the eye in iPod.
An iPod can start or stop by wearers poking their tongues out. Ever-so handy.
An iPod can start or stop by wearers poking their tongues out. Though that can get you into trouble if a violent yob asks you to turn your bloody iPod off.
An iPod can start or stop by wearers poking their tongues out. Perfect for when the teacher tells you to turn off your iPod in class…
An iPod can start or stop by wearers poking their tongues out. Because it’s not quite annoying enough for us just having to listen to their cranked-up iPods – we have to see their white crusty tongues as well.
An iPod can be started by poking your tongue out. And the washing machine can be started by poking your eye out.
And, if you’re sick of it turning everything on and off whenever you make a facial expression, you can actually permanently disable the machine with a simple expression made with a hand and sledgehammer.
Of course the remote could be very useful indeed for disabled people. So I hope you all feel guilty for laughing at it.
