At the G8 meeting in Italy, 17 world leaders faced the tough questions, made the important decisions, and triumphantly emerged with the solution – they would order the lobster bisque instead of the wagyu beef.
(Then they went back to talking about all that carbon emissions stuff.)
At the G8 meeting in Italy, 17 world leaders realised that, sure, they might not be able to agree on how to reduce carbon emissions, but at least they could agree on the 2006 Ch̢teau Cheval Blanc Рdelicious!
There’s no agreement for what to do at Copenhagen. Frankly I’m not copen, and I need some hagen.
The world leaders did agree on one thing: that it was all the others’ fault.
Wow, looks like the world’s “green revolution” will be approximately as successful as Iran’s.
<>
Kevin Rudd’s emissions trading scheme created so much friction within the Coalition ranks that it’s actually added to global warming.
There’s even a split amongst the climate change deniers in the Liberal camp, with Tony Abbott suggesting they support the legislation for political reasons, and Wilson Tuckey denying not only climate change, but that there is any legislation, and that people weren’t even listening to him when he was in government.
<>
Well-known yellowcake lover & Environment Minister Peter Garrett approved a new uranium mine. His next plan is to open a powerplant that generates electricity from the fat of burning babies. (mime chucking baby into furnace) “Waaah – FOOF!”
Well-known yellowcake lover & Environment Minister Peter Garrett approved a new uranium mine. Next he’ll be opening a Maccas on the top of Uluru. / a restaurant specialising in panda steaks. Yum!
Turns out Pater Garrett is just Pauline Hanson in a swimming cap.
Garrett’s discovered a new sense of renewable energy – the power of hypocrisy!
Most shocking of all, Garrett’s actually revealed that he’s been wearing a skull-cap all these years, and is actually quite coordinated.
Garrett has moved on from the Campaign for Nuclear Disarmament – the CND, and onto the Campaign for Undersigning Nuclear Treaties. (An acronym he now fully embodies.)
As if that’s not bad enough, there’s been renewed calls for Australia to embrace nuclear power. Especially from the Radioactive Mutants Guild. They’re ever so lonely.
<>
Just after Rio Tinto rejected a $25 billion bid by a Chinese govt-controlled company, China miraculously discovered an Australian Rio executive had been spying & stealing state secrets. If the Chinese government can’t own Rio Tinto itself, at least they can collect its executives.
Rio Tinto executive Stern Hu was imprisoned in China, after “stealing state secrets”. Which is Chinese for “reading the paper”. / “surfing the internet”. / “checking his email”. / “using Google”.
<>
In another triumph for rugby league, Sydney Roosters star Nate Myles got pissed, locked himself out of his hotel room & defecated on the floor, then denied he had an alcohol problem. But he doesn’t have an alcohol problem – he has a shitting-on-the-floor problem.
In another triumph for rugby league, Sydney Roosters star Nate Myles got pissed, locked himself out of his hotel room & defecated on the floor, then denied he had an alcohol problem. Seems weirdly appropriate that a Rooster is such a cock.
Myles denied he had an alcohol problem. His problem is a shortage of loo paper in hotel corridors.
It’s not him with the alcohol problem, it’s the beer monsters that live in the walls! Ooh, I think I just shat myself.
<>
Scientists at Newcastle University in the UK reportedly persuaded stem cells to turn into sperm. If this is true, women won’t need men any more. The future is 100% girl-on-girl ACTION!
Scientists at Newcastle University in the UK reportedly persuaded stem cells to turn into sperm. If this is true, women won’t need men any more. Except for when they want to find their keys. / fix the aerial. / program the video.
Scientists at Newcastle University in the UK reportedly persuaded stem cells to turn into sperm. If this is true, women won’t need men any more. Pah! If there’s no men around, who’s going to give them 30 seconds of hard lovin’, fart, and fall asleep on them?
Scientists at Newcastle University in the UK reportedly persuaded stem cells to turn into sperm. Kinda like turning water to wine, but not as tasty.
The scientists were so excited they shot their test-tube. / petri-dish.
This is how scientists get their jollies – remotely.
<>
There were calls from the anti-smoking lobby to raise the price of cigarettes to $20 a pack. Come on – smokers are already paying WITH THEIR LIVES!
Or you could keep the price low and just dunk each one in shit.
An alternative plan involves clubbing smokers at the point of purchase.
<>
A man linked to the Nomads bikie gang decided to get off the police radar by changing his name, to “Tony Soprano”. Of course, it’s a lot better than his old name: “Peter Costello”.
Obviously Vito Corleone was already taken.
<>
An estimated 5 million people tuned in to the final episode of “Master Chef”, making it arguably the most-watched program in Australian television history. So long as Australian television history doesn’t include sport and starts in 2001.
An estimated 5 million people tuned in to the final episode of “Master Chef”, making it arguably the most-watched program in Australian television history. Although people didn’t tune in to see the contestants – they just wanted more of those spunky judges. / that spunky Matt Preston.
So, to our new game – “Pompous Gits In Cravats!” / the taste test!
An estimated 5 million people tuned in to the final episode of “Master Chef”, making it arguably the most-watched program in Australian television history. And it was replaced by the 7pm Project, which is arguably watched at all.
And it’s great, Australians have been inspired to cook! Sure, it might be baked beans on toast, but check out the plating up!
So what’s Australian’s favourite TV program? The footy? No. The cricket? No. A fat ponce in a cravat. What has happened to this country?
<>
After another Australian soldier was killed in Afghanistan, defence experts said the war was unwinnable. Huh. They said that about Iraq. And, before that, Afghanistan. Oh.
After another Australian soldier was killed in Afghanistan, defence experts said the war was unwinnable. Finally, defence experts have caught up to the rest of Australia…
We’re lucky Osama hasn’t weighed in yet. Then we could really be in trouble.
<>
There were claims members of the Qld. State of Origin rugby league team mixed the sleeping tablet Stilnox with Red Bull, to get a high which doesn’t show up on drug tests. It’s better than their old technique of trying to fool the drug tests by overloading the sensors with as much of as many drugs as possible.
But it was entirely innocuous. They just wanted to get to sleep while staying up all night.
Some teams are getting so desperate they’re resorting to other crazy techniques to trick the drug tests – like practice and hard work.
<>
Malcolm Turnbull’s rating as preferred Prime Minister hit 16%, worse than Brendan Nelson’s numbers when he was dumped as opposition leader. And what’s that shadow in the corridors, cackling? Is it… is it the one they call Costello?
Unfortunately, the Liberals have no-one else. Well, there’s Tony Abbott. Go on, surely he can set a new low.
<>
Kevin Rudd vomited forth another 6,000 word essay, in which he warned that the recovery would hurt more than the recession, unemployment, interest rates, petrol & food would all rise, & more spending cuts were inevitable. No wonder no-one invites him to parties.
Kevin Rudd vomited forth another 6,000 word essay, in which he warned that the recovery would hurt more than the recession, unemployment, interest rates, petrol & food would all rise, more spending cuts were inevitable, and there’s no Santa Claus.
Say what you like about Kevin Rudd, he’ll say it in a slower and more convoluted way.
<>
10 years after it was axed, Channel 9 announced “Hey Hey, It’s Saturday” would return later this year for 2 reunion specials, and potentially a new series. Well… worked for us.
If they bring Ernie Carroll back at 80, he may well be losing his faculties. It’ll be like Daryl and Ozzy Osbourne.
Why can’t old programs be left in our memories, rather than dusted off for the new millennium… hang on…
Unfortunately Dicky Knee now describes the entire cast.
It’ll be rebranded “Hey, Hey, We’ve All Got Dicky Knees”. / “Hey Hey, It’s Pension Day”.
Dicky Knee will be joined by a range of new characters, including Replacement Hip, Incontinent Bowel, and Encroaching Dementia.
Of course, their old segments “Funny Photos”, “What Cheeses Me Off”, and “Red Faces” have pretty much been replaced by something called “the Internet”. (But at least they’ve still got Chooklotto!)
Of course, after ten years, things have changed. Dicky Knee is a grown man, Ossie’s senile and beakless, Plucka Duck’s been roasted and eaten, and Wilber Wilde’s learned how to play the saxophone. / and John Blackman’s come up with a brand new joke.
<>
72 year-old Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi declared “I’m no saint” after audio tapes emerged of him “polling” a prostitute. It wasn’t a written survey poll – it was purely oral.
No-one was saying you were a saint, Silvio. Just that your mind might be on the wrong job.
He’s just continuing on the proud tradition of Roman Emperors.
Poor Silvio. He runs an entire country, owns the media, yet still has to pay for his pussy.
Man, at 72, he shouldn’t be getting a reprimanding – he should be getting a MEDAL!
