Whiny Rich Bitch Club (Good News Week 23/2/09: monologue)

The global financial crisis is taking its toll on the partners of financial workers. In America there are a growing number of Wall Street Widows, but it’s even worse here in Australia where stockbrokers have been forced to place their children in All Ordinaries Orphanages.

Unfortunately this time around, financial workers have found that once the market began to fall, they just couldn’t get it up.

It’s so hard to maintain a healthy sex life when you’re suffering negative growth.

I knew the global financial crisis was causing people to lose their homes and live in the gutter, but I had no idea that Manhattan socialite wives were having to forgo their weekly shoe binge! Somebody do something!

Not only are they having to cut down on the handbags and shoes, but some of them are even getting normal-sized dogs.

And they can only afford to get one hand manicured at a time.

Some of them are having to eat at restaurants that aren’t even exclusive! The shame.

Some of them are having to wear their designer-made haute couture more than once! The horror!

The girls can’t understand it. Surely even during a global recession, you should be able to have a successful relationship based purely on vacuous materialism.

Indeed, some financial advisers have been having difficulty with their relationships ever since they discovered their entire life was a cancerous lie.

Because the entire global economic system collapsing can do terrible things to your ‘do. / can really spoil brunch.

Women suffering relationship fallout from the global financial crisis are now attending Dating a Banker Anonymous. Well, if I was dating a banker I’d want to remain anonymous.

Women suffering relationship fallout from the global financial crisis are now attending something called “Dating a Banker Anonymous”. It’s a much better positive name than “Whiny Rich Bitch Club”. / “Ungrateful Trophy Wives Bitching About their Depressed Husbands Anonymous”. /“Without Our Money We’re Just White Trash”.

Two New York women have started up a twice weekly meeting for women suffering relationship fallout from the global financial crisis. It’s the only way they can afford to have a decent brunch.

At Dating a Banker Anonymous meetings, distraught women try to remember how to talk to people without appending “And make it snappy!” / “Garçon”.

You know, now that the whole world’s been plunged into the greatest financial crisis in 70 years, it really is the ungrateful rich bitches that you’ve got to feel sorry for.

I wonder how they’ll survive on only one anal bleaching a week. / one botox treatment a month. / one Scandinavian massage a day.

While some Wall St workers find their sex life slumps along with their share portfolio, there are some who want to have more sex after a bad day. “Sell, sell, SELL!”

One wife of a private wealth manager said she knew there was trouble when her husband stopped playing golf. Her husband didn’t want to discuss golf, but did mention that he was able to afford far fewer hookers now. Hang on, not hookers, golf clubs.

One wife of a private wealth manager said she knew there was trouble when her husband stopped playing golf, and started playing russian roulette.

One wife of a private wealth manager said she knew there was trouble when her husband stopped playing golf, and started staying home instead. He might catch her with the gardener.

So the global financial crisis has caused loads of vacuous twats to go through painful divorces. What was the down side again?

A Manhattan divorce lawyer says divorce rates are going up, partly because “there aren’t time or funds for mistresses any more”. Yep, nothing drives you to divorce like being forced to spend time together.

The wives are finding that they can’t afford to keep themselves as beautiful as they used to. But then hubby Stocky McCrashCrash ain’t such a catch anymore either.

Sure, the women are finding it tough, but think of the men – they’re down to one or two mistresses!

Sure, the women are finding it tough, but think of the men – they’re down to one or two lines a day!

Of course the global financial crisis is to blame for these marriage breakdowns. It couldn’t possibly be because they’re annoying, vacuous trolls.

The group run a blog they claim is “free from the scrutiny of feminists”. You know, women who work for a living. / Like their husbands.

With their marriages on the rocks, some financial advisers have become depressed, although most are still insisting that they’re just verging on recessed.