The Media Empire Blog: GNW writings & more

In the lead up to the Olympics, Chinese officials have closed down bars and clubs, expelled prostitutes and clamped down on entertainment. Because they want to show the world a Beijing just as dull as the world expects.

Because the last thing you want at an Olympic Games is entertainment.

In the lead up to the Olympics, Chinese officials have closed down bars and clubs, expelled prostitutes and clamped down on entertainment. They really know how to please.

Who’d’ve thought the Chinese Government would crack down on fun? Seems so out of character.

The only fun the athletes will be allowed is helping harvest organs from the Falun Gong. / is holding down Falun Gong members while someone removes their organs.

International athletes will not be allowed to have any fun, but they will be allowed to sing the glowing praises of the glorious peoples’ fatherland. / but they will be allowed to express their admiration for the triumphant rational democracy of the Chinese Government.

The Chinese Government says that running very quickly or jumping over things should be fun enough for anyone.

The Chinese government says if they don’t like it, athletes can just go home. No-one’s forced to compete in the Olympics. Except, of course, for the Chinese athletes.

The Chinese government are also thinking of imposing restrictions on how fast foreigners can run and swim.

For the duration of the Olympics, the Chinese government is placing a virtual ban on fun. No organ-harvesting, no water-torture, no driving over people with tanks, nothing!

And the only athletes allowed in will have to be serious competitors.

Anyone caught smiling will be shot on sight.

And visitors who go overboard on the soy sauce will be shot.

The Olympics is an opportunity to remake their image. They wouldn’t want any parties or entertainment to spoil it.

The government are trying to ensure that Westerners don’t have any fun. After all, Chinese students are taught that we’re incapable of it – if they learn we have the ability to smile, they may flee en masse.

Even English language clubbing and lifestyle magazines are being forced to close down. English language journos are expected to focus on writing about what a fabulous time they’re having, rather than actually having it.

In the lead up to the Olympics, Chinese officials have closed down bars and clubs, expelled prostitutes and clamped down on entertainment. They’ve really pulled out all the stops – stop drinking, stop having fun, stop loitering, stop celebrating the Olympic spirit…

In the lead up to the Olympics, Chinese officials have closed down bars and clubs, expelled prostitutes and clamped down on entertainment. That way, people are more likely to go to the monk-bashings.

The all-night parties of previous Games will be hard to find in Beijing. Although night-owls will be able to attend all night literature burnings. / protestor shootings. / readings from Mao’s Little Red Book.

Officials are suddenly enforcing a little-known rule that bars and clubs shut at 2am. These Chinese communist tyrants! It’s almost as bad as living in Melbourne!

Authorities have issued a list of 57 rules for foreigners. But that’s what it’s like living in a totalitarian country. Almost as bad as World Youth Day.

Trying to fit even a few extra people into Beijing means that there isn’t any room for fun. / to fit so many extra people into Beijing means that there isn’t any room for fun.

The Chinese Government has now said that people should shut up and be thankful they’re still allowed sport.

It really doesn’t matter what fun they take away – the Chinese Newspapers have already written that it was the best Games ever.

They’re closing bars, expelling prostitutes, enforcing curfews, and cracking down on all things yummy.

One company’s program of corporate hospitality events had been cut down from 17 at the Sydney Olympics to just one at Beijing. Which means the weightlifters and the synchronised swimmers mingling together – and that can lead to trouble.

Just days before the Beijing Olympics, evidence has emerged of a massive doping trade in China. So the good news is there should be heaps of world records!

Well, China may have banned late-night fun, foreign reporters, eating dogs, prostitution, and being black or Mongolian, but at least you can still dope.

And, even harder to believe, apparently some of their athletes aren’t habitually drugged or genetically modified, and have to rely on training and natural abilities. It’s sick!

Of course, in this modern age, winning the Olympics shouldn’t be about doping and genetic modification. It should be about the best ways to cover up doping and genetic modification.

I can’t believe the Chinese are doping their athletes! I just naturally assumed they learnt to move so quickly from years of trying to escape their totalitarian government. / trying to outrun the death squads.

The findings were broadcast in a documentary on German TV, so at least German athletes know who to get the good stuff from.

Of course the stories of gene therapy haven’t been released in China. With a population of 1.3 billion, everyone just figures there’s bound to be a few 9 foot tall weightlifters. / high-jumpers.

The World Anti-Doping Agency director general said the documentary was “very scary” and gave it four stars.

The World Anti-Doping Agency director general said it was “very scary” that doctors would try out experimental procedures on human beings. Stick to the helpless chimps. / Stick to innocent animals locked in cages.

But of course there’s massive doping in China. How else could they keep 1.3 billion people so passive?

A Chinese doctor was filmed agreeing to give stem cell treatment to a fictitious American swimmer. Chinese officials were outraged – gene therapy is only allowed on their athletes! And only real ones!

A Chinese doctor was filmed agreeing to give stem cell treatment to a fictitious American swimmer. He just wanted to see what would happen if a fictitious swimmer won a medal.

A doctor at a Chinese hospital was happy to give stem cell treatment to American athletes, though he later assured the government that he only intended to give Americans genes that made them slow, weak and lazy. / that enhanced their own natural weakness, laziness, and immoral decadence.

These days the Chinese are even performing gene therapy to improve athletes’ performance. You wouldn’t believe how much faster you can swim with four arms. / with fins. / with tentacles.

To improve athletes’ performance, the Chinese are even performing gene therapy. But surely, when you’re swimming competitively, it’s best not to wear jeans at all. (They’d create quite a lot of water resistance, and most likely just slow you down. I recommend just wearing ya togs.)

The doctor recommended injecting up to 80 million stem cells into a swimmer. He’s not sure exactly what effect they’ll have, but they’re bound to do something. / but with that many, one’s sure to do something.

One former athlete confirmed that in the 1980s, Chinese athletes were systematically doped. They just mixed a little steroid in with their daily dose of mind-control drug.

Olympic officials are going to be on the lookout for any signs of genetic modification, and any medal winner should expect a careful count of their limbs.

Unlike doping, gene therapy is hard to pick. You have to watch out for athletes growing whiskers and snouts.

It’s not just a Chinese thing, either. I’ve met quite a few Aussie athletes, and most of them were pretty dopey too.

Doping is getting so hard to police these days. Maybe they should just change the Olympic motto to “Swifter, Higher, Stronger, More Genetically Modified”.

I don’t see what’s so wrong with doping. The Olympic motto is “Swifter, Higher, Stronger”, and these athletes are just getting higher and higher. / and, after all, the athletes are getting higher, and the drugs are getting stronger. / The athletes are getting swifter, and much higher, because the drugs are getting stronger.

Airlines are taking drastic measures to save weight and cut fuel costs, thinking even of cutting back on plastic cutlery. Yeah, maybe instead of that heavyweight plastic cutlery they can make knives and forks out of paper. Or feathers.

To reduce weight on planes, some airlines are thinking of scrapping their knives and forks, and, on some flights, forcing their passengers to drink from a hose squirted at them by the flight attendant.

To reduce weight on planes, some airlines are thinking of scrapping their knives and forks, and asking all their passengers to drink from the same bottle. / to share the one beer.

Airlines are thinking of scrapping their knives and forks, mainly to reduce weight on planes, but also to force their passengers to eat like pigs. / to snuffle for their food in a trough like swine.

They’re also looking at minimising the amount of water they have on board. Hey, if they want more water, they can just crash into the ocean. / splash land.

They’re also looking at minimising the amount of water they have on board. Which is a real problem for the fire-fighting helicopter Elvis.

They’re also looking at minimising the amount of water they have on board. Pah - there goes my mid-flight swim. / the mid-flight diving. / my mid-flight skinny dip. / the mid-flight synchronised swimming.

They’re also looking at minimising the amount of water they have on board. Damn - my favourite part of flying has always been splashing about on the waterslide.

As well as getting rid of knives and forks, the airlines are asking their passengers to travel naked.

And no more lead boots for the pilots.

They’re also thinking about cutting back on in-flight entertainment. Some of those dramas are just so heavy. / From now on, the movies will all be really lightweight. / From now on, nothing but light comedies.

Another weight-saving plan is to take out some of the in-flight entertainment features. Those blockbusters weigh a ton.

Another weight-saving plan is to take out some of the in-flight entertainment features. It’s no longer economical to carry 15 radio studios on every plane. / They’re thinking of replacing the 15 radio studios on every plane with some kind of pre-recorded thing.

Virgin is happy with some aspects of the situation – at least now they have a valid reason to only hire the most petite air-hostesses. / to only hire air-hostesses who are really slim. / fit. / slender.

They’re trying “every means necessary” to reduce fuel costs. The most fuel-efficient method so far seems to be letting the passengers take as much luggage as they want on board, but just not taking off.

US airlines have even been taking out seats to reduce the weight of their planes. Seemed a better idea than taking off the wings. / And those wings are pretty heavy too.

United Airlines have been taking out seats to reduce weight. And if fuel gets much more expensive, they might have to get rid of ALL the seats. / get rid of the passengers too. / get rid of the whole cockpit.

United Airlines have been taking out seats to reduce weight. But don’t worry, they have installed handrails. / they’re very comfortable rugs. / the floor is carpeted.

United Airlines have been taking out seats to reduce weight. Some flights are now standing room only.

US airlines have even been taking out seats to reduce the weight of their planes. And to make room for their passengers’ rank obesity.

Mark Erwin from Continental Airlines said services would be the last thing to disappear from the carrier. Although there may not be stewards to serve it, or a plane to sit in. Still, the latest movies… / Still, almost worth it for the free eye-mask.

Petrol costs are sending airline costs spiralling, but why cut down on cutlery? Wouldn’t it be better to just convert to LPG? / to upgrade to hybrid planes?

They also want all passengers to fast for the 24 hours before, and to urinate just before boarding.

Maybe they should dump all that fuel. That must weigh a ton.

As well as getting rid of their knives and forks, the airlines may do away with splades, fishknives and teacosies too.

They’re trying “every means necessary” to reduce fuel costs. One method is taxiing to the end of the runway, then asking the passengers to get out and catch a taxi. / get out and walk. / get out and push. / get out and see how far they can throw it.

US airlines have even been taking out seats to reduce the weight of their planes. And to make room for their passengers’ rank obesity. / But it’s not the seats that are weighing them down – it’s the obese arses sitting in them!

US airlines have even been taking out seats to reduce the weight of their planes. Now, people are hoping for a window-poof. / window-mat. / window-cushion. / window-clamp. / window-beanbag.

Australian Olympians are being offered a special kit to help them protest against China’s involvement in Tibet. The pack includes a T-shirt bearing the slogan “I support human rights” in English and Mandarin, though it’s unfortunately not bullet proof.

The pack includes a T-shirt bearing the slogan “I support human rights” in English and Mandarin, although the Mandarin version adds the words “Just kidding, all praise the People’s Republic!”

The pack includes a T-shirt, badges, stickers, temporary tattoos, and a full self-immolation kit.

The pack includes a T-shirt which bears the slogan “I support human rights” and gives off a brilliant blue flame when set alight.

The pack includes a red T-shirt bearing the slogan “I support human rights”. It’s red to hide the blood-stains. / It’s red so that, when you’re beaten to a bloody pulp, you’ll still be colour-coordinated. / your ensemble will still look great.

The pack includes pro-Tibet tattoos, which are only temporary. You know, like Tibet.

The kit includes pro-Tibet temporary tattoos, which come right off with a good beating. / which wash right off with water torture. / which will wash right off when the last monk’s head is caved in. / which are quickly replaceable with Chinese ones when the cops arrive.

The pack includes a t-shirt that says “I Support Human Rights” in both English and Mandarin, plus badges, stickers, and temporary tattoos of the Tibetan flag. In response, the Chinese Government also has released a pack, containing a t-shirt that says “Mind Your Own Business”, plus badges, stickers, and temporary tattoos of your family being dragged off for interrogation.

Many athletes want to show their support for Tibet, at the same time not wanting to upset the Chinese authorities. Looks like they’re between a rock and a hard place – which is, coincidentally, where many imprisoned Tibetans are! Uncanny. / which is, coincidentally, one of the preferred tortures used on captured Tibetans! Freaky!

Because athletes stating “I oppose the Chinese occupation of Tibet” is way too complicated. / can so easily be misinterpreted. / is admittedly difficult to do while pole vaulting.

Aussie Olympians could wear the tattoos while competing, the badges at the medal ceremony, and the T-shirt at the post-ceremony interrogation.

The campaign co-ordinator refused to name athletes involved, because of the consequences they may face in China. He’s happy to give them the ammo to destroy their own lives, he just doesn’t want to get personally involved.

Aussie cyclist Cadel Evans has been wearing a “Free Tibet” T-shirt on the Tour de France, exposing it during lead-up races. But then he’s fairly unlikely to be beaten up by Chinese police on the Champs-Élysées.

Of course not all athletes are taking up the Tibet cause. Some want to return alive.

Of course it’s athletes protesting over there - if you want to criticise the Chinese Government in China, you’ve got to be able to run really fast.

Of course it’s athletes protesting over there - they’re the only ones who can run fast enough to get away, jump high enough to escape prison, or make a delightful enough shape with the long ribbon to distract the cops altogether.

And I’m sure the opinions of a few well-trained athletic Australians will make all the difference when the Chinese government decides whether to give away half their natural resources.

A body-building competition has generated controversy when they recently let a bikini-clad 10 year-old girl enter. Community groups are up in arms – body-building could ruin all her chances of being a lingerie model. / body-building could ruin all her chances of looking totally hot.

There’s nothing wrong with young girls flexing their abs in bikinis on stage. It’s only if you photograph them that it becomes perverse.

Now come on. The place for 10 year old girls is in Bill Henson exhibitions.

Come on, it’s not as if she’s being sexualised. She’s more being exhibited as a freak.

Little Maugham Wellham is apparently a total fitness freak. Well, she’s a freak, anyway.

Little Maugham Wellham is apparently a total fitness freak. She does push-ups, crunches, squats, and running. And sometimes, when she’s finished all that, she’s allowed to play outside with the other kids.

Little Maugham Wellham does push-ups, crunches, squats, and runs, although she’s not allowed to lift weights. That’d just be weird.

Her mum says that “I think that it’s very irresponsible to put a child on weights.” Because putting a child onstage in a bikini to show off her body is the pinnacle of responsibility.

Her mum says that “I think that it’s very irresponsible to put a child on weights.” She’d much rather put her child on steroids.

Her mum says Maughan is a fitness fanatic who runs, does push-ups and squats, but doesn’t use weights, as that would be irresponsible. She only believes in responsible objectification. / The responsible way for young children to build muscles is steroids.

But according to experts, body-building before puberty can ruin the normal development of muscles. She may win awards when she’s 10, but by the time she’s 15, she’ll look like the Incredible Hulk. / Quasimodo.

Apparently when she showed her abs and thighs, the crowd erupted. Though they kept it in their pants.

I don’t have a problem with the parents getting their kids into body building contests. I just wish they’d realise she’s much too ugly to have a career in it.

She got the idea from playing with her “Bratz on Steroidz” dolls. / “Bulk-up Barbie” and “Absculpted Ken”.

But if this becomes a trend, we’ll see more and more bodybuilding girls. And if they want a pony, they’ll be getting a pony. / you give them a pony.

But if this becomes a trend, we’ll see more and more bodybuilding girls. Those pillow-fights are gunna be lethal.

But if this becomes a trend, we’ll see more and more bodybuilding girls. And what a great future society we’ll live in, with both sexes being useless meatheads.

In the future, girls vs boys will be no holds barred. / the battle of the sexes will be no holds barred.

Bodybuilding’s perfect for a young girl. Not only does it help develop a total obsession with body image, but it really helps you become reliant on steroids!

She was drug-tested after the event – apparently she had suspiciously high levels of red cordial. / you never know what her parents are putting in that red cordial.

She’s not so much beefcake as veal. / vealscone.

Of course Arnold Schwarzenegger would never have gotten where where he is today if he hadn’t have started body-building when he was a young girl.

But it’s just not appropriate to have a 10-year-old up there in a bikini. She’s got no tits!

You know, she could have a career in the public eye. She’s nearly as ugly as Bindi Irwin.

Her Dad’s gone bald, not with worry, just from a hair-pulling incident.

Her parents weren’t actually that keen for her to enter the competition. But try telling her that.

Her parents insist she’s just like any other girl. She goes to school, plays with her friends, and if she misbehaves she has to sit in the naughty cage.

An apt Darwin Award nominee: a Catholic priest died after grabbing a karaoke microphone while dripping wet. Onlookers said they’d never heard such a passionate performance.

At first, onlookers didn’t realise he’d been electrocuted, they just thought it was an excellent Ian Curtis impersonation. / Johnny Rotten impersonation.

It was bloody good version of “She’s Lost Control”. / I tell you what, he really nailed those Joy Division spasms.

It took them a while to notice what was going on. He was well known for doing the Peter Garrett dance. / They thought he was just impersonating Shakin’ Stevens. / They just all thought he was doing his Joe Cocker again.

It took them a while to notice what was going on. When someone cried out “the Pastor’s on fire!”, everyone ran to check the barbecue.

It was bound to happen some time. Personally, I think they ought to take the sea shanties off the playlist. / karaoke machine.

That’s clearly a sign from God – priests should not be going to beach parties. / hanging out at teenaged beach parties.

At first, they thought it was an electric eel or a jellyfish. But it was definitely a karaoke machine.

For a moment or two, he really was a Friar.

It turned out to be perfect, because what the barbecue was really missing was some well-cooked pastor.

It was actually deliberate. He never wanted anyone to forget his version of “Start Me Up”. / “Shock the Monkey”. / “Electric Blue”. / “Electric Dreams”. / “The Body Electric”. / “State of Shock”. / “Thunderstruck”. / “She’s Lost Control”.

God was said to have laughed heartily. / pissed Himself.

He always said he was sizzlin’ on the mike.

The beachgoers were sad that the Pastor was dead, but were glad that he finally shut the fuck up.

It was the priest’s own fault for picking a Black Sabbath song.

It was unfortunate. “Kill Me Lord” was his favourite song.

Proof that even God doesn’t like Karaoke. / Billy Ray Cyrus. / Phil Collins. / black metal. / singalongs.

Proof: priests should not try to sing Slayer. / black metal.

He totally stuffed up the song, but you shoulda seen the lightshow!

It was an intense death. He saw God, and heard Satan.

He died doing what he loved: spasming uncontrollably.

This isn’t the first incident like this. Last year a priest was playing beach volleyball and choked to death on sand.

“Yeah, wow, he must’ve been electrocuted by the microphone,” said the suspicious-looking guy holding a tazer. / said the Satanist holding a cattleprod.

Well if God isn’t going to strike you down personally, a creative priest will invent his own lightning bolt.

Another example of Divine Electrocution.

God thought about saving him, but decided He doesn’t want idiots like that in his clergy.

Onlookers were visibly distressed at his death, as he’d totally ruined one of their favourite songs.

Onlookers were visibly distressed at his death, as he’d left the karaoke machine filthy.

Onlookers were visibly distressed at his death. How could anyone follow that? / He’d ruined the whole karaoke contest. / He’d taken all the fun out of it. / There was no way they’d be getting an encore now.

It turned out to be perfect – they could use him to mind the Karaoke machine while they all went in for a dip.

He’d previously been hospitalised after a near-fatal incident singing in the shower.

It’s a tragedy, he’d just been thinking that singing karaoke wet had a real novelty factor. / He’d thought the novelty factor of singing while wet might get him some more applause.

Many present say that it wouldn’t have been so bad, but he was trying to fix a toaster at the same time.

Karaoke is a favourite pastime among Filipinos, who frequently have it at funerals. And sometimes deaths.

Karaoke is a favourite pastime among Filipinos, who frequently have it at funerals. At his funeral, he wants them to sing acapella. / sing along to an acoustic guitar for a change.

The sack race has been given the sack and the three-legged race run out of town, with a British primary school dropping the events from a sports day to minimise risk. The egg-and-spoon race is still allowed, despite suggestions that it was unfair on the poor little eggs. / The egg-and-spoon race is still allowed – although, because of the danger a spoon could slip and gouge a kiddie’s eye out, they’ll just be holding the eggs in their hands. / And the egg-and-spoon race will be replaced by the egg-and-hand race. Those spoons could gouge out a kiddie’s eye.

They decided to keep the sack race, but just make a few changes. Instead of jumping inside a sack, contestants will walk, holding the sack. Much safer.

Of course, it’s not the 3-legged race they should be worried about. It’s the half-legged one. / It’s the 3-stumped one.

Not only that, but someone could drown bobbing for apples – how about a cool fun game “picking apples up with your hands”? Sounds neato!

So, instead of the three legged race, there’s the “walking sensibly” competition! Most sensible wins!

Instead of the sack race, they’ll be having the “shoe” race, where each competitor has to run with their feet in shoes!

The sack race is only really dangerous when the sack is tied up, hoisted from a crane and smashed repeatedly into buildings. Ah, memories. / and set alight. Ah, childhood innocence.

The Edwardian-themed sports day involved 375 children dressed in period costume. So the sack and three-legged races were appropriately replaced by fencing and jousting.

The games were removed on an Edwardian-themed sports day involving 375 children dressed in period costume. But don’t worry – they replaced the sack and three-legged races with cleaning chimneys, mining, and dying of cholera.

The Edwardian-themed sports day involved 375 children dressed in period costume. So, true to the spirit of the times, the school banned the games altogether, and told them all to just sit quietly for the rest of the day or they’d get the strap.

The three-legged race was later reinstated when the principal realised that participants didn’t actually have to grow a third leg. / that it wasn’t actually discriminatory against two-legged children.

The school is also thinking of banning lunchtime. You never know what might happen out there.

The principal was unable to comment, as he was still sheltering under his desk just in case the roof collapses.

After all, as the principal said, sacks should be reserved for tying children up in as punishment. / reserved for the punishment room.

The last thing they want is a repeat of last year’s three-legged race, when five children fell and had to be put down. / destroyed.

The school’s rugby team are now playing ballet instead, ironically resulting in far more injuries.

The kids have also been banned from rugby, but not because it’s too dangerous – it’s just not really a proper game. / just a bit dumb. / it just all seems a bit silly.

The principal is now using all the spare sacks to hide from the bogeyman.

Organisers were afraid that participants in the sack and three-legged race might fall over, what with it being the point of those races.

The principal said it was all about protecting the children, and nothing to do with the time he fell over in a three-legged race as a child, he’s completely over that now, so let’s not even mention it.

Fun is just too dangerous for kids. It should be restricted to adults.

But if you ban the sports where the children fall over, what is there left to entertain the parents? / you’ll just have the ones where they hit each other.

The sack race has been modernised – now the kids race carrying a milk crate.

They were, however, allowed a game where they pop pingpong balls into a bucket. I can’t believe they’re allowing that at a school – it’s bad enough in a Thai brothel!

They were, however, allowed a game where there was running and hopping. Don’t they realise that a child could be running, then trip over and graze themselves, which could get infected and poison their blood and kill them?! And don’t get me started on hopping!

The day was a great success, although placegetters had to hold their ribbons as it was thought the pins might be a bit dangerous.

The day was a great success, although the winners had to hold their medals as it’s a little bit dangerous to put things around your neck, isn’t it now.

They’re still allowed the most dangerous game of all – detention with Mr Fisty.

They’re still allowed the most dangerous game of all – braving the bullies at lunchtime.

Laura Midgley, the founder of the Campaign Against Political Correctness, reckons it’s health and safety rules gone mad. And she has the support of the Union of Sackdwellers and Tripods.

Laura Midgley, the founder of the Campaign Against Political Correctness, says it’s health and safety rules gone mad. Things were so much better when they could be brutalised at will for our amusement.

Laura Midgley, the founder of the Campaign Against Political Correctness, says it’s health and safety rules gone mad. And there’s nothing worse than health and safety. / She so much prefers the old days of sickness and danger.

112 Beijing restaurants have been ordered to keep dog off their menus for the duration of the Olympics so as not to offend Westerners. But that’s why most Westerners go to China in the first place!

112 Beijing restaurants have been ordered to keep dog off their menus for the duration of the Olympics so as not to offend Westerners. Because Westerners can ignore as many human-rights abuses as they like, but don’t touch their dogs!

To not offend Western tourists, restaurants are not to serve dogs. Especially dogs belonging to the Western tourists.

To not offend Western tourists, restaurants are not to serve dogs. Which totally ruins the warm terrier salad.

The plan ruins the very popular “pat your dinner” night.

With so many European guests, some restaurants will be serving German sausage instead of German shepherd. Which is kinda weird, as German sausage is actually mostly German shepherd anyway.

So now Chinese restaurants can’t give you the Shih-tsu.

Not only are they being asked not to serve dogs, but they’re not allowed to serve drunks either.

They’re just going to have to pretend the Peking Duck really is duck.

So Western tourists will be able to sample the delights of authentic Chinese enchiladas, sauerkraut, or a big bowl of spag bol.

Ah, dogs. Man’s best friend – and delicious.

Not only are they not allowed to serve dog in their restaurants, but slowly blowtorching the dogs to death is also a no-no. Man, these foreigners are total wusses.

Great, so just when the city’s full of athletes and foreign journos, it’s going to be overrun with dogs! Sweet, delicious dogs!

Though if you are going to the Olympics, I still don’t recommend ordering a hot dog.

Many Chinese people eat dog for its supposed medicinal properties, and to be fair it is excellent for warding off distemper and rabies. / cats.

It’s good news for animal rights activists, bad news for cats, who now face a threat even greater than the dim sim factory.

All the spare dogs may mean the dim sims taste a bit different at Olympics time.

It’s pretty unfair on Beijing to stop them from eating traditional food. After all, when Sydney hosted the Olympics, we didn’t stop eating roo. / eating dingo. / having dogs as pets.

They’re either afraid that delicate Western sensibilities might be turned off by seeing dog on the menu, or that we’ll realise it’s actually cat. / just seafood extender. / just seafood extender with a bit of fur stuck on.

Fortunately, donkey will still be allowed to be served. Hopefully in dog sauce.

Fortunately not all Chinese delicacies have been taken off the menus. You can still order lovely donkey steaks, and fillet of monk. / and, when available, the head of the Dalai Lama.

Fortunately not all Chinese delicacies have been taken off the menus. Although dog will be unavailable, you can still wash your seahorse down with a refreshing glass of bear-bile.

Looks like the locals will have to stick to golden pheasant and panda steaks.

Although, once you’ve tried dog, you can really understand why they spend so much time licking themselves – they’re delicious!

So now the oven-baked cauliflower can’t use real collie.

It’s a shame. Nothing’s more delicious than blood pudding with real bloodhound.

It’s a real hindrance to Chinese food home-delivery services, like Rottweiler-U-Wait.

Well, there goes the famous Poodle with Noodle.

I don’t believe in all this changing customs for the sensibilities of foreigners. When Sydney hosted the Olympics, did we ban dwarf-tossing? Hell no!

Why should Beijing restaurants have to change their cuisine? When America hosted the Olympics, they didn’t ban McDonalds. Or drive-bys.

Chinese authorities are cracking down on so much that Beijing’s now slightly less Chinese than Rooty Hill.

They’re giving more respect to Western dining customs than to their own local favourite dishes. In fact all menus are being reduced to lemon chicken, beef in black bean and that yummy way you do pork.

China’s Olympics organisers are primed to mobilise an army of up to 37,000 people to ensure that rain doesn’t ruin the opening ceremony. If rain looks like it’s threatening, they all look up at the clouds and blow. FFFFFFFFF!

The Chinese Weather Modification Bureau has 37,000 personnel, 30 aircraft, and 6781 anti-aircraft guns. In case they’re attacked by some other country’s weather modification aircraft. / by Tibetan weather-modifying monks.

Not only can they make it rain, but, because of all the chemicals used in the process, the rain can also be used to burn the eyes of protesters! / it’s like the clouds are raining tear-gas!

The Chinese Bureau of Weather Modification includes 30 aircraft, 4000 rocket launchers and 6000 anti-aircraft guns. It’s much more effective than a roof. / an umbrella. / Sure beats holding up a brolly. / Very similar to the Bureau of Tibetan Modification.

To prevent the opening ceremony being ruined by rain, Chinese officials plan to find the clouds, and inject them with chemicals, including silver iodide, salts, and dry ice – a technique they’ve perfected while torturing dissidents. / They have exactly the same technique to prevent the opening ceremony being ruined by Falun Gong members. / dissidents.

You’d be amazed the success you can have when 37,000 people all chant “Rain rain go away…”

China’s Bureau of Weather Modification will watch for any signs of rain and try to shock it out of the clouds prior to the ceremony. Ideally they’ll try to make it land on pro-Tibet protestors. / in Tibet.

When you’ve got over a billion people, you can afford a few dozen thousand to change the weather.

The Chinese Weather Modification Bureau employs 37,000 people, although the other 1.3 billion do help contribute.

The Chinese Weather Modification Bureau includes over 6000 anti-aircraft guns. Because you never know when one of those clouds could turn nasty. / Because continually firing silver iodide into clouds can turn them against you. / Any clouds seen in the vicinity of the opening ceremony are toast.

Because rain on the opening ceremony might spoil the real highlight – the smog.

They don’t want rain spoiling the grim totalitarian solemnity. / They use the technique to make it rain. They don’t want the grim totalitarian nightmare spoiled by lack of storm.

The don’t want rain ruining their Olympics Opening Ceremony: the army marching stiffly around a concrete square chanting “The People Celebrate The Olympics.”

They’re controlling the athletes, the visitors, the media, and now the weather. If there’s an earthquake, Mother Nature’s gunna be in big trouble. / They’re also employing a million people to hold the ground still, to prevent earthquakes.

Now if only we all devoted as many resources to weather modification as the Chinese, global warming could be solved!

No wonder the Chinese aren’t taking bigger steps to combat climate change – they’re the ones doing the changing.

They’re also working on a little weather modification project they call “Global Warming”.

They’re also working on a project to help citizens who live in the frozen mountainous areas of China. It’s called “Global Warming”.

If only we had a Weather Modification Bureau, the Murray-Darling might have a chance.

Typical, while Australians are farting around with carbon pollution reduction schemes, the Chinese are getting on and changing the weather.

And the same technology can be used to make little clouds follow the foreign athletes around, raining on them the whole time.

Artificial weather modification can be useful for putting off drizzle, although if there is a heavy rainfall, the Chinese will have to rely on the nuclear option.

It’s another good reason to stay on good terms with the Chinese. You don’t want them sending their cloud army after you.

China leads the world in research into reducing rainfall. After all, with the One-child Policy you don’t want people to have to spend too much time indoors.

What we really need to do is start a war with China. Then they’ll shoot rocket after rocket at us – and make it rain.

Mon, August 04
Barack Obama turns 47. There’s no way he can be senile enough to be President.

It’s 150 years since first game of Aussie rules, and 149 years since they decided it would be even better with a ball. / though back then it was more like Aussie no-rules.

Tues, August 05
Tomorrow, the head of ASIO speaks at Bond University: Gold Coast. Might be worth taping. Just for a modicum of revenge.

On Tuesday, the Head of ASIO will speak at Bond University on the Gold Coast, wearing a fake moustache and hiding behind a newspaper.

Tomorrow in Perth there’ll be a talk on hospital reform from the Federal Ageing Minister. If she can find her teeth. / She’s just turned 41 but she’s definitely ageing.

Wed, August 06
On Wednesday, Wayne Carey faces charges of assaulting police, resisting arrest and generally being pretty wayncarey.

On Wednesday, the Sex Discrimination Commissioner will addresses a business breakfast in Canberra – ladies bring a plate.

On Wednesday, Western Australia Newspaper Holdings announce full-year results, which will state that a full year is a bloody long time to be holding a newspaper.

Thurs, August 07
On Thursday the Government will respond to the biofuels report by seeing how it burns.

Thursday sees the Government’s response to the Biofuels Report, which will be basically “Um, what are Biofuels?”

On Thursday the Government will announce that while they will not approve a biofuel system, they’re happy to encourange a BYO-fuel system.

Kevin Rudd leaves for China on Thursday, though he’ll leave his pro-Tibet pack in the airport. Accidentally of course.

Kevin Rudd will leave for China – he’s eager to get himself some dog-free, genetically-altered, doped up, no-fun, anti-Mongolian, cloud-seeded Olympic Spirit!

Fri, August 08
The Beijing Olympics begin at 8pm on the 8th of the 8th, 2008. And if it rains, time will be placed on hold so as not to spoil the numerical beauty.

The Olympics will be sadly marred by gangs of feral dogs that would ordinarily have been eaten.

China’s strict control over all aspects of the Olympics will result in severe restrictions on dangerous sports like the 100 metre sack race.

Sat, August 09
On Saturday, the “International Day of the World’s Indigenous People” will be marked by the displaced and impoverished indigenous peoples of the world getting together and going, “great, you’ve given us a day, whoopty fucking doo.”

On Saturday, the “International Day of the World’s Indigenous People” marks the global trend of Western culture taking other peoples’ land, culture, and resources, and giving them a day.

On Saturday, the “International Day of the World’s Indigenous People” will be taken over by white people and turned into a polluted wasteland. / an expensive superficial rubbish dump. / a barren world void of meaning.

On Saturday, the “International Day of the World’s Indigenous People” will be marred by the Northern Territory election.

Saturday’s Northern Territory election will determine which party gets to be overridden by Canberra for the next four years.

Saturday is the Australian “Rock Paper Scissors” championships. Go Scissors! / I always go for Paper.

The first day of competition for the Olympics will potentially draw some attention away from the Australian championships of Rock Paper Scissors.

Sun, August 10
On Sunday the International Transplantation Society congress begins – entry costs just one kidney.

And, at the last minute, Sunday’s “International Transplantation Society” congress is taken out of Adelaide, and put in Sydney, where it continues to function normally.

And Sunday’s “International Transplantation Society” congress will be rejected by Sydney, and they’ll have to find another congress donor.

Mon, August 11
Canberra next Monday holds a hearing into gas & petrol excise, if anyone can afford to make it.

Monday’s Hearing into Income Tax Law Amendments will discover we’ve all being doing it wrong and actually owe the government millions.

And Monday’s Hearing into LA Law Amendments will be delivered about twenty years too late.

On Monday, Telstra will announce their full-year results, though it’s going to be announced by the dad from the Bigpond ads. Hopefully he can make their profits sound convincing.

Commonwealth Bank announces its full-year results. Turns out it’s been a bank the whole time.

Commonwealth Bank will announce its full-year results. Their profits will be impressive, but they’re really ahead of the pack when it comes to their collection of souls. / when it comes to soul-collection. / sacrificed first-borns.

Sat, August 16
National Science Week will hold a special symposium on the Olympics. Take home a sample bag of masking agents!

Saturday sees the beginning of National Science Week, which will be celebrated by making a systematic, careful collection of measurements, then tabulating, graphing, mapping, and performing statistical manipulations on them.

And Saturday’s launch of National Science Week will go horribly wrong when they find it impossible to experimentally verify the existence of “National Science”, nor the exact scientific definition of “Week”.

On Saturday, Madonna will turn 50, and still she insists she’s like a virgin.

On Saturday, Madonna will turn 50 – not like a virgin now, are ya Madge.

On August 16, Madonna turns 50. She’s still a material girl, though not much of the original material is left. / She’s still a material girl, it’s just that instead of leather and satin, it’s old wool and doilies. / Now when she gets into the groove, she needs help to get back out of it. / Let’s face it, these days she’s a Grandmadonna.

And the big news? Sharks! Friendly, lovable, cuddly sharks! The papers have been full of feel-good stories about the terror of the deep. For instance there was this shark that we humans saved…

That’s the last time he’ll be swallowing a poledancer.

They only had two choices really - either save the shark and pull out the pole, or heat up the barbie and start chopping lemons.

Fantastic! A giant flake with built-in spit-roaster!

Just like a giant lollypop, only sharky.

And you should see the one that got away!

The idea is, if we save the shark from being impaled, maybe it will save the odd human from shark attack.

As if sharks weren’t deadly enough, now they’re learning to joust!

Pilot of new reality TV show “Shark-Kebab”. / “So You Think You Can Pull A Pole Out Of A Shark”.

Shark regrets eating child with giant lollypop.

Mmm… flake-kebab.

Marine experts removed the pole from the shark, so that it was safe to kill again.

I say a shark swallowing a pole is nature’s way of saying it’s spit roast time.

The shark was released back into the ocean but was tragically later attacked by a shark.

Thank goodness we humans intervened to save the life of that innocent shark. There were hundreds of fish just swimming around uneaten. / Otherwise who knows how many schools of fish might still be menacing the seas.

Who’s a cutie little sharkiewarkie? Who’s a cutie little sharkiewarkie?

You should see its kennel. / squeaky toys.

He plays fetch with it too, using a seal.

“Got your nose!” “Got your arm!”

And they both know that, at some point, one is going to want to eat the other.

The new exciting game show, “Who Wants to Taunt a Shark?”

Two go in, one goes out.

It’s all fun and games until someone loses an arm. / until someone cleaves someone else in half with their deadly rows of serrated fangs.

The diver played with the great white shark for almost 40 minutes and even rode on its back. He says it’s perfectly safe so long as you show manners and mutual trust, and feed it the occasional child.

Well Jaws could have turned out very differently if only they’d thought to pat him on the nose.

The diver’s adventures are soon to be turned into a movie: Jaws 5: Old and Soft. / Jaws 5: The Return of Schnookums.

The only thing better than a really savage rip is a really savage bite.

Show-off shark later shows off skills at being battered and deep-fried.

It’s all fun and games until someone loses an arm. / until someone’s shredded alive by row upon row of serrated teeth, isn’t it.

Hang Two!

You’d jump too if you copped a surfboard in the head.

Sharks – they’re the new dolphins. With a deadly twist!

Sharks love a bit of surf n turf.

Just when you thought it was safe to stay out of the water…

“Damn, missed him!”

To a shark, a surfer is just an extra challenge. / a surfboard just turns feeding time into a game!

“Ah, surfers. They’re just colourful seals you don’t have to peel the fur off.”

What is it with all this “sharks are cute” nonsense? The law of the jungle is man versus shark! Eat or be eaten! With chips! CHIPS!

The government is launching a new advertising campaign to promote awareness of their Carbon Pollution Reduction Scheme. Of course like all government advertising, the ads are 100% content-free.

The Government has just launched its new emissions-trading information campaign. It’s a picture of a tree with the words “Emissions Trading Is Good”.

Clearly the government has no plans to cut their emissions.

To avoid being hypocritical, the ads themselves are renewable, constructed from 100% hot air and blustery wind.

The advertising will be made using only renewable power sources, and will therefore consist of a blank screen. Pretty illustrative of our carbon-free future though.

An informational advertising campaign? Sorry, is there an election on?

The Government has just launched its new emissions-trading information campaign to educate the vast number of Australians who really don’t know what it is. We would’ve made some very clever jokes about it, but we really don’t know what it is.

Look, we don’t need an information campaign – it’s really very simple. Businesses who pollute… carbon have to buy… permits, which they can then sell for… coal, I think. And then the world’s saved!

The government is launching a new advertising campaign to promote awareness of their Carbon Pollution Reduction Scheme. The sooner the public understands the Carbon Pollution Reduction Scheme, the sooner we can all start Carbon Pollution Reduction Scheming. And that’s gotta be good.

The government will spend millions of dollars telling us why emissions trading is going to be so expensive. It’s mostly the advertising.

And if we don’t get it this time, they’re going to have to launch another advertising campaign. No wonder it’s so expensive.

The best thing is, just by broadcasting the ad your telly can feel a warm inner glow.

We haven’t seen the advertising campaign yet, but I’m pretty sure the ad will inform us that smiling Australians of all ages and races want to save the dolphins and so therefore like wind farms and solar panels watched over by farmers with akubras wiping away a bead of sweat and our children will dance in the sunset. A bargain at just 22 million bucks! / And then we’ll all be properly informed!

Maybe they can have a nice informative campaign like that one that told us WorkChoices was about sticking blackboards among baskets of fruit. You’ve got to admit that was a bargain at just 60 million dollars. / that was 60 million dollars well spent.

The government is launching a new advertising campaign to promote awareness of their Carbon Pollution Reduction Scheme. They’re promoting awareness of the scheme, rather than explaining exactly what it is and how it works, because they have absolutely no idea.

The ads come as surveys show that a strong majority of people support an emissions trading scheme even though they don’t understand what one is. Surely the last thing the government wants to do is inform them – they might decide they don’t like it after all.

The ads come as surveys show that a strong majority of people support an emissions trading scheme even though they don’t understand what one is. Just like the Government. / After all, Rudd’s got no idea either.

Kevin Rudd is said to be keen to see the ad campaign, so he can figure out how the bloody scheme works.

It turns out that the vast majority of Australians want an emissions-trading scheme, even though they don’t know what it is. After 11 years of Howard, we’re just happy to have anything, really. / we’re just happy the government finally believes in climate change.

Although most of us don’t know how an emissions trading scheme will work, polls show we still support having one. We’re not necessarily so keen on funding advertising about it though – we already support it, just get on and do it! Whatever it is.

It turns out that the vast majority of Australians want an emissions-trading scheme, even though they don’t know what it is. And the vast majority of Australians would like to see Brendan Nelson kicked in the balls, even though they’re not sure he has any.

It turns out that the vast majority of Australians want an emissions-trading scheme, even though they don’t know what it is. 50% believe emissions-trading is a scheme where businesses who reduce pollutants are financially rewarded, 34% believe emissions-trading is a scheme where businesses swap their pollutants for other less-harmful chemicals, and 16% think emissions-trading is a modern version of “soggy biscuit”.

Why not forget the advertising campaign and just spend the money to pay off Andrew Bolt? / prove Andrew Bolt is a loony?

A report has been released showing that Australian women are still subject to sexism and harassment, 25 years after such behaviour was outlawed. Sex Discrimination Commissioner Elizabeth Broderick will hand down the report just as soon as she’s done with the ironing.

Well, that’s what you get if you let a woman become Sex Discrimination Commissioner.

Although don’t take the report too seriously – she’s just on her rags.

A report has been released showing that Australian women are still subject to sexism and harassment, 25 years after such behaviour was outlawed. But come on, they’re asking for it when they dress like that. / they love it.

But the report only looks at how women are being treated unfairly. Talk about sexist.

25 years of equal opportunity has got rid of overt sexism in the workplace, just not the sexism deep within employers’ hearts.

Although overt gender discrimination has been outlawed for 25 years, our bosses are still the same wife-bashing fucktards they were three decades ago.

Although overt gender discrimination has been outlawed for 25 years, female employees are still expected to dress a certain way, accept lesser pay, and do the office ironing, there’s a good girl.

Although we’ve had sex discrimination laws for a quarter of a century, for some reason chicks aren’t being treated equally, the poor dears.

Attitudes remain that the ideal worker is someone who can work extended hours, has no caring responsibilities and is always available. In fact the best workers are child slaves. Of either gender!

The image of an “ideal worker” is someone who has no other obligations, can work indefinite extended hours, and loves to work so much they’ll do it for free. / and who brings their own coffee. / and who has three extra arms and an extra head. / and who runs on batteries. / and who has inbuilt broadband.

One important step in gender equality is promoting women in leadership roles. Oooh, hopefully they use the whip! / Ooh, I love it when the ladies are on top.

Women are still well underrepresented in upper management. But if God had meant women to be corporate executives, He would have given them dicks and too much testosterone.

Employers prefer their workers not to have families – instead they should hire required family units in between work commitments.

Employers prefer their workers not to have families – or as they like to call them, “consumer conglomerates”.

Apparently, the reason Australian workplaces lag 25 years behind the law on gender equality is because bosses are stuck in a time-warp. And Human Resources is overrun with Klingons. / And Accounts is run by androids. / And Human Resources is poised on the edge of a black hole. / And the board members are still doing the Mashed Potato.

Her report finds that, even though we’ve had sex discrimination laws for a quarter of a century, for some reason gender discrimination still seems rampant in the workplace. The results of her inquiry are being published in the latest issue of Ralph magazine. / Hustler magazine. / “Hot Political MILFs” magazine.

Half of the participants in an Adelaide workshop had experienced something that could be described as sexual harassment, and the other half were the men. / and the other half were the ones doing the harassing.

She says female employees are still being groped or dragged into an office for a shag. Especially in brothels.

One supermarket check-out girl was told to wear a see-through shirt. But it was a one-off incident - they’d run out of wet T-shirts.

One supermarket check-out girl was told to wear a see-through shirt. Which wouldn’t have been so bad except she was wearing her see-through bra.

But come on, if Aussies were sexist then girls wouldn’t be allowed to play footy.

The author of a new book on Batman estimates the cost of being a real-life Batman would be 308 million dollars. Though you could be Robin for a couple of thou.

To be a real-life Batman, you’d need to be one of the world’s richest people. Or a master criminal!

Lucky he’s actually multimillionaire Bruce Wayne.

The author of a new book estimates the cost of being a real-life Batman would be 308 million dollars, but that it’s worth it for the Batgirls.

The author of a new book estimates the cost of being a real-life Batman would be 308 million dollars. And at least 2 million of that is needed just to be multi-millionaire Bruce Wayne.

Looks like interest rates rises have hit Batcaves too.

308 million bucks. Batman really should’ve rethought the BatChandeliers.

308 million bucks. Surely it’d be cheaper just to pay the bad guys off.

Of course, it doesn’t cost you that if you just whack on a cape, stick on a mask, and run around the city in your codpiece and tights. And there’s a vacancy since the Pope’s left.

Huh, and they say crime doesn’t pay.

Sure, crime doesn’t pay, but crime-fighting actually costs. / crime-fighting costs a fortune.

It’d probably be cheaper to personally pay for all supervillain-related damage.

It’s a tough call – if you’ve got 300 million bucks, do you buy your own set of islands and live the rest of your life in decadent luxury, or pretend to be Batman?

To save money, Batman’s now going to be driving a Mini. / he’s going to ditch the aeronautics, and become Mouseman. Ground-level criminals – beware!

Holy expense account, Batman!

Isn’t that typical, the rich always get the best jobs.

308 million! I’m going to have to wash a few more windscreens.

The cost includes $2 million for a Batmobile, $4 million for a Batcave, and hundreds of millions for a complete set of back issues.

So now Bill Gates has retired, he can finally get on with eliminating crime from Gotham City.

Of course the 308 mill doesn’t include the costs of training, studying, or being good. / or being able to outwit and catch criminals.

Look, if it’s going to cost that much, is it any wonder so many turn to a life of crime? / is it any wonder Gotham City’s riddled with criminals?

$300 million of the $308 million is for the Batcomputer: an IBM Blue Gene / L supercomputer, the best computer around. So if you can get by with a cheap clone you could save 97% of your Batbudget.

He estimates that $300 million of the $308 million would be for the Batcomputer alone. You need a motherboard that can withstand all the swinging. / It’s takes a special kind of computer to download porn while you’re swinging from a rooftop trying to dodge the robotic tentacles of Dr Octopus.

He estimates that $300 million of the $308 million would be for the Batcomputer alone. Of course, Batcaves aren’t cheap either. / Batmobiles don’t grow on trees.

The problem with spending 300 million dollars on the biggest, fastest, best computer around is that next week they bring out a model with twice as much grunt at half the price. / is that it’s hell to get working with Windows Vista.

The main cost isn’t even the processor. It’s that, when you’re swinging from building to building all over the Gotham City, you need a really, really long cable to still be able to access the internet.

If you want something more cost-effective, you could always be the Joker.

Pah – and all you need to be the Joker is some bad makeup and lousy acting skills. Yes, Heath Ledger was a shit actor, there, I said it.

And he’s not the only superhero affected by high costs. You should see the cost of the Hulk’s clothing budget / drycleaning bills / size of the Hulk’s tab at the tailor’s!

People never think about the costs of superherodom. You know how much it costs to keep Wonder Woman’s invisible plane clean? One stain and it’s not invisible!

But being a superhero is an expensive job. Spiderman has to pay for expensive antivenene every time he accidentally bites his lip.

US Presidential candidate John McCain has admitted he never uses email and has to be shown websites. In fact he doesn’t even own a computator. / one of those adding machines.

He says he doesn’t use the internet. In fact, he gave up interfishing years ago.

It’s no big deal. The current president can’t even pronounce “computer”.

He says he may not be able to use a computer, but what can they do that you can’t do with an abacus and a decent slide-rule?

It’s best McCain stays off the Internet. He doesn’t want to see what they say about him out there.

It’s best McCain stays off the Internet. At his age, one glimpse of fisting_livestock.com would kill him. / sheep_orgies.com would kill him. / chickenfuckers.com would kill him.

McCain’s staff insist that “you don’t necessarily have to use a computer to understand how it shapes the country”. There’s nothing a President shouldn’t be able to do with old-fashioned tin cans and twine.

McCain’s staff insist that “you don’t necessarily have to use a computer to understand how it shapes the country”. But it helps if you know what they are. / if you know they don’t run on steam. / if you know that you don’t have to wind them up.

The web would just be a distraction for a President, what with all its content from other countries.

The internet’s not really suitable for American presidents. It’s a bit multi-lateral. / It’s full of content that is just un-American. / It’s not unilateral enough.

He says he knows plenty about computers. He’s even been checking out pet shops for a new mouse.

He would use the computer more, but none of the pet shops have been able to sell him a laser-mouse.

McCain is only just getting his mind around this whole “telephone” thing.

At 71, McCain’s amazed by computers. How does the TV thing know what the typewriter’s saying?

McCain says he’ll set up one of those internets as soon as he gets the telegram explaining how. / cablegram explaining how. / hears how to on the wireless.

He’s not sure he should get an intern-et. Look at the trouble Clinton got into with his intern-et.

He does keep up with political scandal website the Drudge Report. Because he may not need to use the world’s primary communication tool, but he doesn’t want to miss out on any hot goss.

McCain said he doesn’t expect to be a great communicator. But you don’t need to communicate if you’re leader of the free world.

McCain said he doesn’t expect to be a great communicator. He just wants to be a great bombernator. / He says it should be enough just to be a great thingamabob.

McCain’s aides said he didn’t need to use a computer to understand the effects they had. Also they didn’t want him to see his own website, looks pretty dinky. / it’s sponsored by anal_milfs.com.

McCain’s opponent Barack Obama has mobilised the internet as a grassroots fund-raising tool. But McCain realises you can raise funds just as easily by rattling tins on street corners. / by wearing a sign saying “will govern for money”

But a president doesn’t need to know how to operate a computer. All he needs is to know is how to press a single big, red button.

McCain says he doesn’t need to use the internets, and also he doesn’t want to block up the tubes with any more of the electromailings.

Why would a president need the internet? That would only result in so much time wasted doing tedious fact-checking and research.

McCain doesn’t use an email, or a BlackBerry. Though he’s pretty sure he’s eaten one. / In fact, he tried talking into blackberries when he was a young ‘ un, and they never replied.

McCain doesn’t use an email, or a BlackBerry. Though his wife does make a mighty tasty email pie.

Sure, McCain’s heard of email, but he didn’t realise you could use it to communicate.

In the UK, a Star Wars fan watched Revenge of the Sith instead of having a general anaesthetic during a double knee joint-replacement operation. Because when you see Anakin Skywalker burnt to a crisp after losing both legs and an arm, a bit of a dicky knee doesn’t seem so bad after all.

Watching the movie was difficult at times. The drilling, sawing and hammering of his knee being replaced was distracting enough; he didn’t need those kids throwing popcorn.

The film helped distract him from the pain of his double knee op. That, and the LOCAL ANAESTHETIC. / painkilling injection in his spine.

He took in Star Wars Episode 3 to distract him from his double knee replacement. No-one told him that Anakin gets both his legs replaced!

And there’s nothing to distract you from having your knees replaced better than the story of someone who has nearly everything replaced.

The doctors could saw and drill on his knees, safe in the knowledge that his screams of pain were caused by the agonising dialogue.

Because nothing could be more painful than that acting.

Who’d’ve thought it? Watching a recent Star Wars movie to reduce pain!

He could clearly hear the doctor saying “Use the Gauze, nurse, use the Gauze.” / “Use the Forceps, nurse, use the Forceps.”

To help his knee heal, when they bandaged him, they turned the gauze over. Do not underestimate the power of the Dark Side of the Gauze.

Yup, those prequels put me to sleep as well. / Well those new Star Wars movies do tend to be a bit soporific.

Interestingly a quick dose of Revenge of the Sith and I’m out cold.

Watching the movie distracted him from his own pain by focussing him on the painful acting.

At one point the man began crying and moaning pain, but it turned out to just be the line “Hold me, like you did by the lake on Naboo….where there was nothing but our love.” / but it turned out just to be the romantic scenes between Anakin and Padme.

He’s almost completely recovered now, and his knees are getting better too.

And, best of all, most of the surgical work was performed with a little mini light-sabre!

The man said it was either watch Revenge of the Sith again while having his knees reconstructed, or get a life.

65 year old Colin Hope didn’t see why a stupid operation should stop him watching his favourite film for the three hundredth time.

He got through the surgery fine, although afterwards he did try to turn the doctor to the Dark Side.

Unfortunately there have been side effects: his new knee has turned to the Dark Side.

Though next time the doctors are going to insist he goes under, an operation they’re calling The Anaesthetist Strikes Back.

The operation would have gone fine, except that the surgeon hates Star Wars.

But he feels a little unsatisfied. To see the full saga he’ll have to replace another five knees.

He loves that movie so much he’s thinking of having all his joints replaced.

He decided to do it because last time he had a general anaesthetic he just replayed the film in his mind anyway.

It all went surprisingly well, although when the operation was over, he stood up and screamed “NOOOOOO!”

The operation took a little longer than usual, as the surgeon had ordered the large popcorn. / because during the light-sabre fights, the surgeon couldn’t look away.

The guy had actually only gone in for an ingrown toenail, but the surgeon got distracted.

It’s even better for laser eye surgery – it just looks like a 3D light sabre!

Having his knees operated on was the only way he could sit through the entire film without kicking the screen in.

Of course, it wasn’t really the film that helped him through. It was that the doctor was using the Force.

Of course using The Phantom Menace as a painkiller is more dangerous - patients can lapse into a coma.

The doctor said this was the first time something like this had happened in his surgery. Normally it’s The Empire Strikes Back.

Asked if it was the first time something like this has happened, the surgeon said (Yoda voice) “The first time it is not.”

The guy had asked the surgeon to try and fix his leg. The surgeon snapped at him, saying (Yoda voice) “Do or do not – there is no ‘try’.”

British high school girls who have been wolf-whistling at construction workers have been warned to stop. See, it starts with school girls showing a bit of plumbers’ crack, and look where it ends.

British high school girls who have been wolf-whistling at construction workers have been warned to stop. And you can see the footage if you go to whistling_british_schoolgirls.com. I know I did.

The builders didn’t mind the wolf-whistling, but the orangutan humming really freaked them out. / but were really creeped out by the ocelot yodelling. / when the school girls started doing the meerkat-stomp. / panda-trot. / badger-shuffle. / but were totally confused by the buffalo stance.

The builders were surprised at the wolf-whistling, but their jaws really dropped when the girls started beaver-whistling.

Poor builders. I know I hate it when hot young girls are whistling at me. Now that I have a child, those parts of my body should remain forever still.

The builders say they’d be even more traumatised if some of the schoolgirls gave them a little erotic dance.

No builders have complained of harassment yet. In fact they were kind of hoping to get something a bit more harassing than a whistle.

No builders have complained of harassment yet. In fact, many have complained that it’s not really harassment until they get a bit of titty.

No builders have complained of harassment yet, although one did describe the whistling girls as “like, sooo immature”. / “totally grody.”

No builders have complained of harassment yet, although several have said, “ooh stop it, you naughty schoolgirls”. / although one said the schoolgirls fully grossed him out, gag him with a spoon.

The builders have complained. Not about harassment, but about the danger the girls pose to their concentration. Someone’s going to get a nail in the head one of these days.

The builders have complained. Not about harassment, but the fact they’re all fugly skank chavs. / they’re all toffy slags. / they’re all slaggy bints.

The builders have complained. They say that the sight of a hot schoolgirl pursing her lips and blowing almost made them drop their tools. / lose their load.

Ah… the thought of seeing hot schoolgirls pursing their lips and blowing takes me back. To last night’s session on barely_legal.com.

Ah ha! So now it is the wolf who is being whistled at and the whistling is being done by… sheep… Lambs maybe? / foxy little minks.

What I don’t get in this scenario is who is the wolf? And since when were wolves able to whistle anyway?

The school should have known there’d be trouble when they decided to get their extension built by the Chippendales.

Fortunately the girls have stopped their whistling and objectification and the builders have been able to go back to doing it themselves. / doing it themselves in peace.

The girls have also been asked to take down the scaffolding that they’d erected to whistle from.

Of course, it may have just been a wolf-whistle in school-girl’s clothing.

The builders enjoy the company of the whistling schoolgirls so much, that they’ve been offered employment, The builders have suggested that they come on over and lube their tools for them. / hold their tools for them.

(blokey brit voice) “I’ve never felt so threatened. I felt like they could’ve raped me, y’know? And it felt so belittling to know that in the end, they wouldn’t.” / in the end, I wouldn’t even get a peck on the cheek.”

An email has been sent to West Kent College students warning them that whistling and making amorous comments about contractors working at the school were harassment. And the principal’s upset that he’s not getting any of it.

The principal warned the girls that objectifying the men like that constituted harassment. And besides, what was wrong with his pecs?

The principal warned the girls that objectifying the men like that constituted harassment, and what’s more, is exactly what they’re after. / what’s more, it gives them the horn. / a raging boner.

The principal warned the girls that whistling and shouting at the men constituted harassment, unless they go over and give them a quick handjob.

The whistling has been so persistent that the students have been threatened with disciplinary action. Let’s hope it’s a good spanking.

No builder has complained of harassment yet. But they were hoping they might be able to soon.

The girls have been asked to confine all harassment to their fellow students.

A survey showing that Australian films were too depressing for audiences has been released by the Film Finance Corporation, just weeks prior to it being amalgamated into Screen Australia. If only it had had a happy ending.

Australian films are too depressing to draw crowds. But no wonder Aussie filmmakers are depressed – have you seen the size of the crowds they’re drawing? / have you seen the box office figures?

Aussie films are filled with depression, alcoholism and suicide. But that just reflects the filmmakers’ lives, especially after they see the box office figures.

But of course Aussie films are filled with depression, alcoholism and suicide. You know how hard it is to get funding?

Aussie films are full of depressing subjects like drugs and alcohol. Still, at least the characters are having fun. / have found an escape.

Because if there’s one thing less fun than spiralling into drug or alcohol dependence, it’s watching somebody else do it on a giant screen.

I don’t see why we can’t just have more feel-good tales of alcoholism and suicide.

Older and wealthier people were more likely to enjoy Australian films. The young and poor don’t need to go into a cinema to see stories of urban desolation. / The young and poor prefer to experience their tragic stories of depression first hand.

Older and wealthier people were more likely to enjoy Australian films. The young and poor are too busy enjoying Australian smack. / ice.

Older and wealthier people were more likely to see Australian films. The young and poor are too busy selling their stories to Australian script-writers.

Older and wealthier people were more likely to see Australian films. To them, there’s nothing more uplifting than a good laugh at the poor and weak.

70% of people are interested in Australian films, but only a minority in art-house movies. Perhaps that’s because no-one’s ever seen an art-house. / Because if there’s one thing more depressing than alcoholism and depravity, it’s art houses.

58% percent of people said they weren’t interested in art-house movies. Which means art-house films are way more popular than anyone would have ever suspected.

So nearly half the people surveyed were interested in art-house cinema, which makes it virtually mainstream. To actually be art-house now, you need to make films that literally no-one watches. Like Crackerjack or One Perfect Day.

A lecturer in screen studies blames Australian filmmakers wanting to distinguish themselves from Hollywood feel-good movies. By making movies where you don’t feel anything.

Mike Walsh, senior lecturer in Film Studies at Flinders University, thinks that Australian films are too depressing. Why can’t they just make nice films?

Mike Walsh, senior lecturer in Film Studies at Flinders University, thinks that modern Australian films are too depressing and arty. And music these days is too loud, you can’t dance to it. And have you seen the clothes the kids are wearing now? It’s disgraceful.

Mike Walsh, senior lecturer in Film Studies at Flinders University, thinks that Australian films are too depressing and arty. And everyone knows that art is bad. / They should all be uplifting stories about footy.

I mean, you don’t get more high-art than Priscilla.

If people want art, they can go see the Mona bloody Lisa.

He says there hasn’t been a good Aussie film since The Adventures of Barry McKenzie.

Not only should Aussie movies not be so depressing and arty, but they should all star Bryan Brown and, if possible, feature a talking wallaby.

The FFC survey found that Australian films were too depressing. And since they’d paid for most of them, that was a real downer.

But just because a movie’s about depressing subjects doesn’t mean the film itself is depressing. Many people who watch them actually just go to laugh at the appalling acting and rancorous dialogue.

The study results also clearly indicated more money needed to be spent on marketing Aussie films. But that’s just going to mean the films themselves have to be made even cheaper. Or be about marketing executives.

The study results also clearly indicated more money needed to be spent on marketing Aussie films. Apparently you can’t just rely on the recommendation of that guy at the vid store.

Of course Australia doesn’t have the budgets to compete with Hollywood blockbusters. So perhaps to make up for the special effects, we could just make the stories extra happy! A whole bunch of happy people go do happy things and everyone gets even happier! Hey, it’s worked for The Wiggles. / Hi-5.

Australians would be happy to see Aussie films if they were more feel-good. Or about toilets.

Older and wealthier people are more likely to like the typical Aussie downbeat film, while the majority prefer films like Kenny and The Castle, with characters everyone can look down on.

While depressing Aussie films don’t appeal so much to local audiences, they can do quite well overseas. Foreigners love hearing that we’re just as miserable downunder.

Australians are happy to go to local films, so long as they’re nice uplifting escapism. Like Wolf Creek.

Gympie police frantically smashed car windows to rescue a seemingly unconscious baby, only to discover it was an extremely lifelike doll. They were so frustrated they arrested the baby whose doll it was.

Gympie police frantically smashed car windows to rescue a seemingly unconscious baby, only to discover it was an extremely lifelike doll. So they proceeded to smash that as well. / So they smashed the rest of the car. / Which they then used to smash the rest of the car with.

When the owners were eventually found they apologised, for inconveniently causing police to violently smash up their car.

When the owners were eventually found they were “apologetic”. For not committing any crime, having their car smashed open, and having cops handling their stuff.

The doll’s owners were apologetic, but that wasn’t enough to get their car fixed.

The doll’s owners were apologetic, but said that, no matter how hard they looked, they just couldn’t find any “Fake Baby on Board” signs.

The owners didn’t mind the cops smashing their car windows – they were just glad they didn’t find the real babies in the boot! / just glad the police didn’t find all the drugs hidden in the doll.

It’s not an isolated incident. In fact in the past year, Gympie police have rescued five Garfields and a smurf.

The creator of the “reborn” baby dolls says that it’s not an isolated incident – the dolls are constantly fooling people. That’s the idea, they’re meant to be just like a real baby without the drawbacks of soiled nappies, breast-feeding or growing up.

The creator of the “reborn” baby dolls says that it’s not an isolated incident – the dolls are constantly fooling people, they’re so realistic. For laughs, sometimes she just goes out and throws one around in the park with her Alsatian.

And if you smash them open, they’re filled with blood!

To further confuse police, she has one model that, every now and then, silently mouths “help me”.

She suggests labelling dolls with warning cards to prevent police and others getting confused. The cards would also be effective if you wanted to abandon your real child. / leave your real baby in the car. “Oh, it’s so lifelike – such realistic screaming!”

She suggests labelling dolls with warning cards to prevent police and others getting confused. Or tattooing your real children with “I Am Not A Doll”.

The dolls’ creator has suggested you may want to leave a sign alerting police that your doll is just that. Perhaps “Disturbingly Realistic Substitute Baby on Board”.

Of course, they work as a great distraction from her real baby slowly suffocating in the boot.

She’s also got some fantastically-detailed still-born babies. Incredibly death-like.

They’re even weighted to feel like a baby’s weight, and they flop like a real baby. And if you don’t feed them, they die.

They’re weighted to feel like a baby, and even flop realistically. In fact they’re great for someone who enjoys child abuse but wants to avoid the social stigma.

The creator would have defended the baby dolls, but it turns out she’s actually a highly-realistic porcelain mannequin.

At 1000 bucks a pop, people are now smashing into cars to steal them and accidentally ending up with real babies.

The artist painstakingly adds every detail of the babies, from their fingernails to their hair to their little eyelashes. But she insists that the hardest part is squeezing the little buggers out.

They may cost you a grand, but you not only get a bonus umbilical cord and cord-clamp, but also get to watch her straining to push it out of her vagina.

Not only do they come with a umbilical cords and cord-clamps, but they come attached to a hand-painted placenta! It’s actually edible!

The hand-painted dolls sell for up to $1000 and feature realistic eyelashes, fingernails, milk spots, wispy hair, umbilical cords, birth certificates and discount vouchers for IVF.

The dolls’ creator says “You don’t stop playing with dolls because you get old. You get old because you stop playing with dolls. The relentless march of time also may have something to do with it.” / Or because you have to deal with actual children.”

American brothels have had a huge slump in business due to the oil crisis. Turns out blokes don’t need sex as badly as they need petrol to get there.

The price of crude, stops ‘em getting rude.

All over America blokes who are no longer able to afford to get their rocks off, are instead staying at home polishing their gun collections…

American brothels have had a huge slump in business due to the oil crisis. Expensive petroleum products means expensive lube, which means they have to go without. According to one trucker, it was like humping a sandbox.

According to the Nevada Brothel Owners association, rising oil prices have resulted in the worst business in half a century. That’s right, some of their girls are that old. / I would’ve thought that the girls who remember business from half a century ago wouldn’t be getting that much work these days anyway.

Brothels in Nevada have been hit hard by rising oil prices, because the majority of their clients are truckers, and no longer have the money to spare. Looks like the truckers will have to stick to getting fucked by the petrochemical industry. / Looks like these days the girls are only getting fucked by the petroleum industry.

Looks like the girls are over a barrel. And not in the usual way. / And not in the way their customers are used to. / Which, with oil at 140 dollars a barrel, is also getting expensive.

And almost nobody asks for their “hookers covered in sump” special anymore.

And if a prostitute suggests a rub down with oil, truckers run away screaming.

The oil crisis has crippled the brothel industry, but on the other hand it’s been great for sales of pornos at truck stops.

No way! Paying a fortune to have meaningless sex with an ugly redneck slut is the best thing about being a trucker!

Truckers are pissed off too. Truckin’ without hoes is like truckin’ without country music or high-grade amphetamines.

Well, with fuel prices what they are, the truckers have to make a choice: hookers or speed? And the hookers aren’t right there, just begging to be snorted.

Many truckers just can’t afford hookers any more. It’s expensive enough just buying petrol, groceries and drugs.

Because of licensing restrictions, brothels are several hours drive outside of metropolitan areas, making it expensive for truckers to get there. Many brothel owners are really wishing they’d built on the highway instead.

Truckers are one of the target markets for brothels several hours out of town – they’re the only ones who can get there. / it’s unconvincing when you tell your mum you’re just going down the shops and you’ll be back tomorrow.

I’ll tell you one thing, when you drive several hours to get to a brothel you can probably get by with a quick visit.

Things are getting so bad that brothel owners are being forced to employ girls that it’s worth driving several hours to screw.

Boy, I knew things were bad, but prostitution collapsing? Mankind is doomed! / It’s all over!

Some brothels are also offering petrol discount schemes. Guys are now popping in just for the cheap petrol. / Men all over America now have a good excuse. / “Sheena, I’m doing it for the cheap petrol!” / the savings!”

Brothels are offering petrol discount schemes and tax refund schemes. A $600 tax refund cheque will buy you a $1200 George Bush party: three girls and a bottle of Champagne. Or the cheaper Bill Clinton party: one girl and a cigar.

Brothels are offering petrol discount schemes and tax refund schemes. A $600 tax refund cheque will buy you a $1200 “George Bush” party: you get a bottle of Champagne and get to have your way with three girls. Or the “George Dubya Bush” party: you get a line of coke, a bottle of bourbon, and you get to fuck the Iraqi people.

George Bush’s $600 tax refund cheque will buy you a $1200 George Bush party: three girls and a bottle of Champagne, all of which suddenly explode.

A $600 tax refund cheque will buy you a $1200 George Dubya Bush party: three girls and a bottle of Champagne. Although the girls turn out to not actually be legitimate prostitutes, and the Champagne is just sexed-up Coke.

A $600 tax refund cheque will buy you a $1200 George Bush party: 3 girls for you to play “hide Osama” with - and a bottle of champagne to drown your sorrows at having fucked up the entire world.

President Bush said that having a brothel party named after him was insulting. After all, he’s given up hookers in solidarity with the troops.