The Media Empire Blog: GNW writings & more

Michael Jackson is dead. At least, he’s returned to his homeworld.

I don’t believe it! Michael Jackson was alive?

Poor Farrah Fawcett. Her death was swept off the front page pretty damn quickly.

Let that be a lesson – the place to focus your plastic surgery is your heart.

Of course we say he died on Thursday, but that was just the last little bit that wasn’t already hacked, bleached or, at the very least, creatively dead.

There were no suspicious circumstances. Macauley Culkin made sure of that. / was extremely cautious.

Ultimately it was how Jackson would have wanted to go. Young.

So he always remained the boy who never grew up, thanks to the miracle of myocardial infarction.

When plastic surgery and skin-bleaching fail, you can always attain eternal youth through myocardial infarction.

Of course, he’s not really dead. I’ve seen “Thriller”.

His face may have been white but it didn’t stop his heart turning black.

But rest assured, he’s up there in Heaven, with the last 20 years of his career.

I guess his carefully-tended children’s farm will just have to let all the children go.

His children are a mess of emotions. They’ll miss their dad, but at least they’ll get to take off the damn masks.

So the complete Beatles catalogue will now be owned by three masked children. But I’m sure they’ll use it responsibly. / From now on people may only be allowed to listen to “Yellow Submarine” and “Octopus’ Garden”.

Jackson’s health has been under question ever since he dropped Blood on the Dancefloor.

Jackson’s death has been mourned by colleagues, fans and comedians.

Well, it’s a unique way of avoiding paying off your debts…

Like with all music stars, his death will ironically produce a massive surge in people buying his albums – now that he’s not desperate for the money.

It could have been worse. He might’ve survived.

Finally – the Beatles are FREE!

CNN commemorated the man’s death 20 minutes after the story broke, by playing “Thriller”. Which may be the first time anyone’s death has been honoured by showing them as a dancing zombie.

Fans have renamed the pop sensation’s ranch ‘Eventuallyland’.

Really, it didn’t matter if he was black or white. And now we’ll never know.

But there’s always a bright side. Now, at least Macaulay Culkin can sleep at night. / Now at least Satan can learn how to moonwalk.

Ah, death. The smoothest criminal of them all.

He died of a heart attack. Looks like he couldn’t rock with us ALL night after all.

But he’ll always be remembered in our hearts. As a child-molesting freak.

I really feel for his children. But at least now the insane old pederast is dead. / Well, someone’s got to.

It is a true tragedy. Who will we make paedophile jokes about now?

It’s good news for Gary Glitter – at long last he can be the number one celebrity paedophile!

Michael Jackson – Black or White, he was a Thriller, seemingly Invincible, able to Heal the World – but the Blood on the Dancefloor was too Dangerous – he just couldn’t Beat It. And now… he’s HIStory. He’s Out of My Life. Sorry, that was Bad, Billie Jean.

Iran’s parliament is planning on scrapping stoning and hand-amputation, as they’ve now found far more successful ways of oppressing their population. / as semi-automatic weapons seem to work just as well.

No stonings? No amputations? They’re taking the fun out of fundamentalism!

From now on, anyone caught stoning anyone will have their hand cut off. And vice-versa.

Currently, adultery is still punishable by stoning. Iranians are very cautious about getting their rocks off. / In Iran, getting your rocks off is taken quite literally.

Iran really has become much more progressive now that they’ve brutally crushed the rise of the progressives. / had all the progressives brutally crushed.

What a buncha party poopers. If you’re going to scrap stoning and amputation, you might as well scrap the beards, intolerence, and nuclear program.

Looks like the Axis of Evil has just lost a little bit of its evil. *sniff*

It’s taken a long time for them to scrap the barbaric practice of hand-amputation. But whenever it comes to a vote they never get a sufficient show of hands.

Scrapping hand-amputation finally passed a public vote when they put it to a show of stumps.

Chopping off hands and stoning is so barbaric. In an advanced modern culture, disputes are handled execution-style.

The Iranian government is still very anti-drugs, and being pelted with rocks will still be the preferred punishment for anyone caught getting stoned. / However, stoning will still be the preferred punishment for anyone caught getting stoned.

Hey, who needs stoning and amputation when you’ve got the bomb?

But without primitive barbaric punishments, Iran may as well have let the moderates win.

Not only are they getting rid of stoning, but they’re giving hand-amputation the chop.

Not only are they scrapping hand-amputation, but they’re also going to ban the brutal Iranian version of “rock paper scissors”.

Although you can still be shot for wearing green.

Because the last thing the election-rigging, protestor-shooting Iranian government would want to be is violent.

Barack Obama has copped flak for taking pleasure in swatting an annoying fly during a television interview. Give the guy a break. Unlike his predecessor, at least he’s not getting his kicks swatting humans.

Although thus far he has been relatively restrained in swatting humans.

And if the Iranian conflict continues, he may have to drop some serious Mortein. / deliver some serious spray and awe.

So watch out bin Laden, Ahmadinejad and Kim Jong-il – threaten all you like, but if you buzz around Obama’s head during an interview, you’re toast.

After the incident, the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, or PETA, sent Obama a bug-catcher to catch pesky insects without killing them. It operates more like a Guantanamo Bay isolation cell.

They’re also sending him a much larger bug-catcher, in case he happens to find Osama.

However, even PETA allows the squishing of maggots. According to an official, they’re “just really gross”.

Obama has capitulated, and, as well as not killing any more flies, he’s going to close down all the roach motels. / bug zappers.

PETA says all animals should be treated with equal compassion. After all, that fly could have been a reincarnation of Saddam Hussein.

PETA are also sending a strongly-worded letter to all spiders.

Obama has now claimed that flies are “against our way of life”, and has declared war on PETA as “a supporter of flies”.

He also believes than many maggots are training to be flies, while others are just waiting dormant in creeper cells.

Flies aren’t Obama’s only enemy. He’s especially worried about the “Axis of Weevils.”

I’m not surprised Obama can kill a fly. He’s superfly!

Man, that Obama – he’s so fly.

It turns out that Obama’s a ruthless killer with no respect for life – just like the previous US president.

The US military has now issued a statement confirming that the fly was indeed a high-level al Qaida operative, and have awarded Obama a medal.

Well well well. Obama and Osama get more and more similar every day…

According to the US Government, you’re either or against the flies, or you’re WITH them.

Obama has threatened to continue his attack against houseflies, as well as any state that aids, supports, or harbours them.

Obama said, “That was pretty impressive wasn’t it? I got the sucker.” Which is exactly the same speech White House officials had prepared for the apprehension of Osama.

It could be bad for Obama’s karma, and he’ll come back as an Obama karma llama. Drama!

PETA say killing animals is bad for Obama’s karma, and he could come back as a lower lifeform himself, like a member of the Bush family.

Well, they’re easier to catch than terrorists.

Yeah, it starts with a little fly-killing, then he starts whacking snails, before you know it we’re back to the naked hooded human pyramids being attacked by guard dogs wielding electrodes.

That Obama’s so sweet, he wouldn’t hurt a fly. He’d go straight to the death penalty.

Although Obama’s afraid using the bug-catcher may make him look a little weak on the international stage. A flimsy plastic cage may not be sufficient incentive to dismantle North Korea’s nuclear program. / to make Ahmadinejad stand down.

Obama seemed extremely proud of staring down the fly and then swatting it dead. The next G8 meeting should be interesting.

And the big news? Utegate! Although anyone who knows anything about utes knows that the correct term is “tailgate”.

Although now that the ute’s turned out to be a bit irrelevant the media are renaming it Godwin-Grech-Grant-gate. Great. (Or rather, great-gate.)

Will someone please shut the gate on this ridiculous suffix “gate”? Unless the scandal actually involves a gate! / If a scandal involves an actual gate, you’ve got nowhere to go. / Would Shakespeare’s “Julius Caeser” really have been improved if the murder conspiracy was called “Ides-of-March-gate”?

Basically the story is that the Liberals didn’t have a copy of an email the recipient said he didn’t have that didn’t come from a car dealer who failed to get assistance from a scheme that hasn’t been rorted. The only thing that’s missing is something actually happening!

Looks like someone in Treasury might have set-up the Coalition insider mole Godwin Grech. That’ll teach the untrustworthy Treasury official to trust Treasury officials.

The opposition has been screaming for Rudd & Swan to resign. The government has been screaming for Turnbull to resign. I know – how about EVERYBODY resigns and we start again with adults?

Personally, I love this story. It’s so good to see our politicians doing something utesful.

The more we find out, the less anything turns out to be what it appears to be! Soon we’re going to find out that Kevin Rudd is actually just Peter Costello in a wig and glasses!

The whole thing’s an intriguing web of mystery. You know it’s going to turn out the fake email was written by Colonel Mustard in the library, with a candelabra.

The whole thing’s like a bad mystery novel. You know it’s going to turn out that the fake email was written by the butler.

No-one could find the email, so it must have been fake. Because it’s really complicated to press “delete”.

The Opposition were demanding Rudd and Swan resign – because they might’ve helped a car dealer apply for a legitimate government program which didn’t end up helping him. And then the Government demanded Turnbull’s resignation – for not sufficiently checking his sources. Wow – Peter Costello really lowered the bar when he resigned for being a smug coward. / And Joe Hockey should resign because he’s quite fat! / And what about Peter Garrett – he’s far too bald for Parliament!

The Coalition are hoping that next time the Prime Minister ACTUALLY fails to corrupt the system. Then maybe he’ll resign like a good boy.

Look, he may be a multimillionaire, but how was Rudd going to win over the Aussie battlers if he passed up a chance to scum a free second-hand ute?

The real question here is why would a multimillionaire want to scum a free second-hand ute? And of course the answer is “once a Queenslander, always a Queenslander”.

And what makes the whole matter worse is that apparently the ute was full of refugees, throwing their children off and watching them bouncing down the street as they zoomed away.

Next time Gordon Grech gets an email, maybe he’ll try replying to it. Then the supposed sender might notice that they never sent it.

If the email from Rudd’s office really is fake, whoever concocted it is lucky Grech didn’t feel like replying to emails that day, or their clever ruse would’ve blown wide apart!

Apparently, a follow-up email in which Rudd offered to enlarge Mr Grech’s penis by 400%, make him rock hard all night, and deposit a billion Nigerian dollars into his bank account, also turned out to be fake.

This story has everything a good political scandal needs! Corruption! Leaks! Forgery! Utes!

I’m not sure why this is worth the resignations of all our most senior politicians. Don’t we already take it as a given that they’re corrupt, greedy liars?

The Coalition were appalled at the thought that Rudd and Swan may have helped out the struggling car dealer. They firmly believe that corruption of the system should only be for those who don’t need it.

No wonder there have been over half a million people out on the streets demanding that the Prime Minister explain the OzCar scandal! Or was that the Iraq War? (I always get them mixed up.)

Turnbull was stunned that the email was fake. It looked as convincing as the evidence of Iraq’s weapons of mass destruction… oh. / This is just like that email from Saddam talking about his WMD.

An 18-year-old Belgian girl has claimed that, rather than tattooing three stars on her cheek, a tattooist tattooed 56 stars on her face while she slept. Hey, look, she may not have liked it at first, but a 56-star-tatt is bound to help her if she wants to join Heaven’s Angels.

She claims she just slept through it all. Well, certainly, whenever some stranger’s jabbing my face repeatedly with a loudly buzzing needle, I get ever-so sleepy.

She claims she just slept through it all. And, in his defence, the tattooist has claimed that so did he.

It’s not a big deal, she’ll just sleep through the laser-removal too.

It’s lucky she woke up when she did, or she might have no face left.

She decided to sleep through the pain of having three stars tattooed on her face. Yet she kept sleeping through the extra 53. I’m sure that once you start dreaming of red hot needles jabbing your cheekbone you just never want to wake up.

Fortunately she was able to wake herself up by pinching her arm.

The truth is, she was so in awe of her tattooist that she let him do whatever he wanted. And now she’s paying for those stars in her eyes.

That tattooist has been waiting all his career for a sleeping customer to tattoo extra stars on. Now at least he can retire contented.

You can see what the tattooist would get out of it. I mean, sure, it ruins his livelihood and reputation, costs him a fortune in fighting the lawsuit, involves twenty times as much work as he’s being paid for – but those stars do look quite pretty.

The woman is really pissed off. She wanted her face covered in swastikas!

The woman, from Belgium, has claimed that she slept through the tattooing of 56 stars on her face. But I think that’s just Belgian waffle.

The tattooist is completely covered from head to toe in elaborate tatts. But he’s a very heavy sleeper.

A witness backed up everything the tattooist said. So long as he promised to stop tattooing her face with stars.

That “falling asleep to avoid the pain” skill ought to really save on the anaesthetic during open heart surgery.

She paid for all 56 stars. Sure, she says she didn’t want them, but she didn’t want an argument to get in the way of a lengthy legal battle.

The tattoo artist says the problems only began when the girl’s father and boyfriend saw the tattoos. It wasn’t nearly as disfiguring as they were hoping. / Even after 56 stars, you could still make out her face.

She claims it was all a misunderstanding. That wasn’t the cheek she meant.

The girl admits she had seen the design on her face in the mirror. But she’d gotten confused by the way it was all backwards like that.

Obviously she hadn’t heard the old adage: if you’re going to get 56 stars tattooed onto your face, sober up.

It’s not the first time the tattooist has gone overboard. Last time, he gave a guy a tattoo of a mermaid that was the size of an actual mermaid. / gave a guy a tattoo that said “MUM” that covered 98 % of his body.

She says she wouldn’t’ve been so distracted from the facial tattooing if it wasn’t for the guy sticking 20 steel rings through her clit.

The tattooist has compromised and offered that, if she removes the facial tattoos, he’ll pay for half. The half without tattoos.

Researchers have discovered that a health food store Australiasian honey could actually be a cure-all, killing every type of bacteria thrown at it, even those resistant to antibiotics. Which will obviously be fantastic – until the day someone contracts bee flu.

It’s obvious, really. When was the last time you saw a bee sneeze?

Unfortunately if you’re allergic to honey, you’re just going to die.

The Manuka or jelly bush honey is found only in Australia and New Zealand, which must be why countries like ours never have widespread outbreaks of pandemics.

Honey-based products could replace antiseptic and antibiotic creams, which from now on will only be useful as a breakfast spread.

We don’t need more doctors – we need more BEES.

Scientists are now attempting to fight swine flu with Vegemite, brain cancer with peanut butter, arthritis with Nutella, and any other ideas that make them giggle.

Not only does the honey help kill the bacteria, but if you have enough of it, it can give you a real buzz.

Not only does covering yourself with honey help kill bacteria, but it helps attract ants.

Unfortunately, the same benefits have not been found when you cover yourself in Nutella and whipped cream. That is still purely for the purposes of kinky sex.

The scientists say it’s the bees’ knees! Or perhaps just the honey.

Unfortunately you do break out in hives. / they still haven’t found anything to cure hives.

The local honey not only cures the wounds and kills all bacteria, it also ensures you’re welcome in the swarm.

They honey could provide a whole new basis for medical products, just as soon as they work out how to combine it with chemical additives to combat that delicious taste and aroma.

The honey, found only in Australia and New Zealand, appears to be a cure-all that kills all tested bacteria, including antibiotic-resistant “superbugs”. The only problem is convincing the 9-foot-tall megabees to let you have some.

Now we know why bees never take sickies.

It’s either cover your wounds in honey, or spread your toast with Dettol.

And it turns out Nutella can cure your haemorrhoids. At least, that’s what the scientists are telling people.

Not only can honey clear up your infections, but makes your wounds taste delicious!

And you can prevent prostate cancer with an enema of hot strawberry jam every morning. At least, that’s what the doctors are telling Gordon Ramsey.

Not only does honey fight bacteria, but it turns out the only thing that can conquer swine flu is icecream. / pure cholesterol.

Turns out all this time we’ve been cured by the spoonful of sugar.

And the honey’s also an excellent cure for bee stings. Now that’s an evolutionary quirk.

And the sting of the Manuka bee is also an excellent cure for bee stings.

Tuesday, June 30
The inquiry into the 2007 federal election is due to report: Canberra. Turns out The Libs actually won, and Costello should be the PM! Chose the wrong time to retire, eh.

Tomorrow, the inquiry into the 2007 federal election is due to report in Canberra – apparently, not only did John Howard actually win, but there IS NO KEVIN RUDD!

The inquiry into a Tasmanian AFL franchise is due to report in Melbourne tomorrow. The team is going to be known as the Tassie Maps.

In Melbourne tomorrow, the inquiry into a Tasmanian AFL franchise is due to report. If they end up having a team, apparently it will be called the “Tasmanian Motherlovers”.

In Melbourne tomorrow, the inquiry into a Tasmanian AFL franchise is due to report. They’ll conclude it’s an excellent idea in theory, but the AFL just thinks it’s too cold down there.

In Brisbane, Federal Cabinet Meets The Public – run! / that event is strictly BYO swine flu.

In Brisbane, the Federal Cabinet Meets The Public – and we’ll finally get to see what’s inside.

Tomorrow, it’s a special day in Brisbane: Federal Cabinet Meets The Public. Or as they call it up there, “Dickheads Sweating in Suits” Day.

Tomorrow, the government will hold public consultation on the Carbon Pollution Reduction Scheme in Brisbane. They chose Brisbane because it’s already much like a post-climate-change world – hot, desolate, and full of mutants.

The inventor of Google Maps will give the 2009 Innovation Lecture in Brisbane. If he can work out how to get there. / Or wherever it is he ends up.

The inventor of Google Maps will give the 2009 Innovation Lecture in Brisbane. It’s the only lecture visible from space!

The Bureau of Statistics will release the social trends figures. Hessian is the new black!

The Bureau of Statistics will release the social trends figures tomorrow, exclusively on Twitter. / as a Tweet.

The Bureau of Statistics will show the latest economic indicators, but will turn them off again once they’ve changed lanes.

The Bureau of Statistics will release the latest economic indicators, so at least everyone will get notice before the economy turns left or right. / changes lanes. / merges into traffic. / pulls a hook turn. / chucks a ‘U’wie.

Wednesday, July 01
Canada National Day is on July 1st – they just have to get in before the Yanks do.

On Wednesday, Work Choices will finally end, being replaced with something called “Fair Work” laws, or as the Prime Minister originally named them, the “Fair Work of the Sauce Bottle” laws.

Wednesday spells the end of Work Choices! Except, of course, most of it.

On Wednesday, the chief of News Ltd. will be at the National Press Club, so expect tough questions from half the room and absolute suck jobs from the rest.

The Bureau of Statistics will release the latest retail figures, revealing that the economy is currently being propped up by sales of Tamiflu.

Pamela Anderson will turn 42 – or more precisely, 42-double-D.

Pamela Anderson will turn 42, and her breasts turn 16!

On Wednesday, the movie “Ice Age 3” will be released, shortly before the real thing hits.

“Ice Age 3” will be released on Wednesday. Looks like the global warming sceptics were right.

Thursday, July 02

Thursday’s opening of an exhibition called “Exposed! The Story Of Swimwear” will get off to a shaky start when all the photographs of nudists will turn out to have been overexposed…

Friday, July 03
Friday is the UK’s annual Goodwood Festival of Speed – will this year’s winner be oak or pine?

Friday’s “Goodwood Festival of Speed” in the UK will be busted by the cops.

Friday’s “Goodwood Festival of Speed” in the UK will be followed by the “Goodspeed Festival of Wood”, the “Speedwood Festival of Good”, and the “Goodspoon Festival of Weed”. Clearly, too much Goodwood Speed…

Friday’s “Goodwood Festival of Speed” in the UK will celebrate the wonderful erections created through amphetamines. / And on Friday, the UK will celebrate amphetamines-based erections, with the “Goodwood Festival of Speed”.

Tom Cruise will turn 47, which is 465 in thetan years.

Tom Cruise will turn 47, so long as you only include his Earthly incarnation.

Saturday, July 04
Saturday is American Independence Day – Yanks versus aliens!

Le Tour de France commence, si vous donnez une merde.

Sunday, July 05
July the 5th is Venezuela Independence Day. That Hugo Chavez – always trying to go one better than America.

Saturday is the Gold Coast Marathon – 42 kilometres of beer!

Sunday marks 20 years since the debut of “Seinfeld” – get outta here!

On Sunday it’ll be 20 years since the debut of “Seinfeld”. They’re renaming Newman “Oldman”.

Monday, July 06
George Dubya Bush will turn 63, and his birthday party will be a bit smaller now he’s lost the fair-weather Presidential friends.

George Dubya Bush will turn 63, and, once again, he’s inviting Osama…

George Dubya Bush will turn 63. But he’s still got a mental age of 11.

Geoffrey Rush will turn 58. Less of a Rush now, more of an Amble. / a Hobble.

What’s the biggest snack food in Afghanistan these days? Super Osama bin Laden Kulfa Balls. That’s right, we may not be able to find Osama, but at least we can find his balls.

Not only are they delicious, but they may have even masterminded the attacks on 7/11.

They really explode in your mouth!

They’ve got a flavour burst that can take out a US tank!

The flavour is a delicious blend of milk, coconut and the blood of the infidels.

A-ha! The cunning al-Qaida leader has been hiding all this time in small boxes of confectionery!

No wonder we haven’t been able to find Osama – he’s been crushed and turned into tasty snacks!

It was always going to be a race to find Osama between the US Army and the Pakistani confectioners. I guess now we know who won.

Apparently, Osama also has his own brand of Lolly Gobble Bliss Bombs. Without the Lolly Gobble Bliss.

They’re perfect for when you’re trapped in a cave, hooked up to a dialysis machine, on the run for the world’s armed forces, but feel like a coconut snack!

And, like terrorism, the flavour’s hard to beat!

The balls are sweetened with sugar extracted straight from his own diabetic urine.

Because Osama’s well known for his good taste. / culinary skill.

Osama cooked them up himself. Well, since 9/11 he’s had a fair bit of spare time.

The US are countering the confectionery insurgence by bringing in a whole battalion of Life Savers.

So now along with winning their hearts and minds, we have to win their tongues?

And you’ll be able to see how to make them at home in Osama’s next video.

Watch out for Osama’s next video, the Cook and the Chef and the Terrorist Mastermind Scourge of the Western World.

They’re the most delicious snacks around containing the word “bin”.

Though they’re not all natural – they contain additive 911…

They’re delicious, though they do get a bit much when they’re all you’ve had to eat for eight years.

You ought to try one! It really gives you the experience of living in a cave for eight years.

Though they do face stiff competition in Afghanistan from Tali-bonbons.

Unfortunately, they taste like Shiite.

Osama’s also a big fan of chocolate-covered liquorice. Especially bullets.

Mmm – even better than 72 virgins!

Hitler had a similar product, although there was only one of them.

Reminds me of the mixed lollies that Hitler had produced. Although, of course, his weren’t “mixed” so much as “segregated”.

Nearly as delicious as Hitler’s crispy peanuts. Mmm, oven-roasted.

Martina Navratilova has called for a ban on tennis-related grunting. Not only does she want to ban the grunt, but the screech, the whinny, the quack, and the plop.

She claims the noise is “cheating”, as it distracts the player from their game. And as far as I’m concerned, they should ban those short skirts too – it distracts viewers from the game.

Instead of grunting, players will be encouraged to bark. Just because it’s funnier.

From now on, tennis players will have to honk.

She says that hearing the sound of the ball on the racquet is an important part of playing the game, and that obscuring that with a grunt is cheating. It’s like, if every time you went to kick the footy, someone yelled out “chewy on your boot”. Oh, that’s right. Martina – grow a pair! Oh, that’s right. You already have one.

Back in the old days, tennis players never grunted. Instead, they went “gosh”. / they curtseyed to the King and ordered elevenses.

Personally, I think they should keep it. I don’t mind seeing hot young fit women grunting as they fight over balls.

It’s a disgrace. If I wanted to see hot young fit women grunting as they slap balls, I’d go round to Mikey’s. / I wouldn’t be watching the tennis.

Former tennis ace (see what I did there?) Martina Navratilova has demanded a crackdown on grunting! That’s going to really disrupt swine-tennis.

Navratilova described grunting as cheating. Whereas I describe it as hot.

Navratilova said that she found grunting from other players an enormous distraction. They knew it turned her on.

Navratilova’s plan is to detect grunts with a system similar to the line-call technology hawk-eye, which she’s calling grunt-ear. / dyke-ear. / pig’s-ear.

She’s the Queen of the riled grunt-ear.

It will take expert ears to determine what exactly constitutes a grunt, but fortunately every major tennis stadium employs a gruntsman.

Although it may be difficult to define a “grunt”. Sometimes, I’d say it’s more of a groan, while other times it’s more of a sudden queef.

Martina’s suggested using GPS technology to pinpoint the exact time and place of a grunt, with dogs used to hear the noises precisely – a system known as the “NavSat-and-Rover”.

Fortunately grunting will still be allowed in other sports. Rugby players have to communicate somehow.

The organisation Search for Extra-Terrestrial Intelligence has launched a project called Earth Speaks that has asked for suggestions for mankind’s first words to aliens. What about “We’re here for the taking.”

“Please bring a plate.”

“RSVP before apocalypse.”

“Is this thing on?”

“Please, when you arrive, can you take Michael Jackson back to his homeworld?”

“You guys look funny.”

“If you’re gonna come here, at least have the decency to learn the language.”

“Speak English or die.”

“URGH! Kill it!”

“You challenge our position at the centre of the universe. You must be destroyed.”

“You’ve contacted Earth. There’s no-one home right now, but please leave a message, and we’ll get back to you as soon as we can.”

How about “If you’re going to probe me senseless, at least buy me a drink first”?

But what DO you say to a total stranger who has an entirely different way of life to you? The accepted greeting currently seems to be “Die towelhead die!” / “Where’s bin Laden?”

Sending a message to the aliens will just work perfectly. Because we’ve pretty much mastered peaceful communications here on Earth.

Of course, the only message they’ll actually understand will be one in their own language. Really, we might as well send them “wibble wibble wibble ninky nonk”. (Or just play them an episode of the Night Garden.)

If we’re going to communicate with an advanced intelligence, I’d like to ask what features they have on their iPhone.

We all know what the first message is actually going to be: “Coke is it.”

The messages break down into a few distinct categories. Some want the first message to be “McDonald’s – I’m lovin’ it!”, while others are plumping for “The burgers are better at Hungry Jacks”.

Of course, the only message they’ll actually understand will be one in their own language. Really, we might as well send them a recording of farting walruses.

Several people are suggesting that we just bounce whatever signal we receive back out towards its source. But surely if there going to come here, we want them to learn English.

Because when you get a message across the cosmos that you can’t possibly understand, it’s best to respond in kind.

Of course an alien civilisation is unlikely to be able to understand English. But they’ll understand it’s peaceful, so long as we say it in a nice sweet voice.

Engaging aliens in conversation is a dangerous practice. For instance in the language of the Greys, “Hello” means “Please anal probe me”.

Other people, like Stephen Hawking, have suggested that broadcasting to a race with superior technology might be asking for trouble. But we humans love trouble!

But really, do you think the aliens are going to want to communicate with us? To them, we’re a planet filled with inbred violent retarded monkey-creatures. They look at this planet and just think of ‘Deliverance’.

It’s good to get communication going with aliens. Because they really prefer to engage in a mutually-respectful dialogue with us before they strap us down and ram a probe up our arses.

We’re fooling ourselves if we really think the superior alien life-forms are going to send us a message. That’d be like us sending a message to a swarming nest of rats. / to cancer cells.

Don’t we get the picture yet? They don’t want to COMMUNICATE with us – they want us to EXPERIMENT ON US!!!

SETI is searching all over the globe for signals from extra-terrestrial intelligence, but unfortunately so far have only picked up spam.

SETI has no plans to send any of these messages out into space without proper international discussion. They’re just opening up the discussion to have something to do with their lonely Earthling lives.

The council of Hardin, a small town in Montana, has unanimously agreed to volunteer the town prison as the new Guantanamo Bay. Well, if you think about it, it’s actually probably the best way of ensuring that you DON’T fall victim to terrorist attack.

It’s for their own security. You might notice there haven’t been any terrorist attacks at Gitmo lately.

Becoming a Guantanamo is a sure way of keeping terrorism away. Not only would they be afraid of being caught, they’d also mostly be blowing up their allies. / it’d also be mostly friendly fire.

And even if some terrorists did escape, where would they escape to? As if they could hide out undetected in The Rocky Mountains!

They just want to suspend habeas corpus and the rule of law, and maybe get in a little torture. / and if they’re lucky, perform the occasional mauling-by-dogs.

The town council say they can do illegal detention and torture as well as anyone.

The town, with a population of 3,400, was relying on a new state-of-the-art prison to drag it out of its economic slump, but a Montana governor decided not to use it. So I’m sure he’ll be right behind this plan. / So the council will have to hope for a new governor, like, say, Fidel Castro.

The town, with a population of 3,400, was relying on a new state-of-the-art prison to drag it out of its economic slump, but it turned out they needed to actually USE it.

It certainly would solve the problem for President Obama. He was thinking he’d have to invade and illegally occupy somewhere. And he couldn’t decide which PART of Texas.

Because what the world really needs is another Gitmo.

At least this way people can be mercilessly tortured to death on good honest American soil.

Unfortunately, the place gets so cold during wintertime, the prisoners are going to have to be iceboarded. / frostboarded.

This way, the prisoners won’t try to escape. In Guantanamo, escape means luscious tropical beaches. In Montana, escape just means cold empty plains in the heart of the Great Satan.

This way, the prisoners won’t try to escape. In Guantanamo, escape means luscious tropical beaches and hot Caribbean women. In Montana, escape just means frozen plains and obese pasty inbred hicks.

The real problem with putting the detainees in a prison, is that then the American military might have to charge them with some sort of crime. / might have to find some sort of actual legal reason for keeping them there.

Many of the locals are against bringing Guantanamo Bay to Montana. They think all the extra sun will fade the curtains. / They don’t want the place overrun with Cubans.

Finally, someone in big bad America is tough enough to lock the scary terrorists away in ultra-high-security virtually-inescapable prisons. The rest of them should just grow a pair.

Although in the northern winters of Montana, a naked pyramid can do some permanent damage. / can leave permanent scars.

The town council said they have long looked forward to rebuilding the town on the back of torturing Arab scum.

Obama’s hoping the town’s move is the first stage to a torture-led economic recovery. / an imprisonment-driven economic recovery.

Microsoft are developing a game console which can be played completely hands-free, which makes a change from the current brain-free models.

With the new device, you can interact with a young boy called Milo, without it being called “grooming”. / without attracting the attention of the authorities.

The controller, codenamed “Natal” can provide the realistic sensation of skateboarding, tae-kwan-do, or even playing a Wii!

With the new device, your natural body movements can allow you to splash water, try on new clothes, or play your favourite sport. Just like what we used to call “real life”.

But by far the most popular game is the one that perfectly simulates the experience of playing Galaga. / of using a Playstation 2.

It promises a more realistic interactive experience. Especially when you lose a game and punch it in the screen.

Microsoft says the console is a “total body experience”, which can sense your facial expressions, body movements and voice, respond on a one-to-one level, and slowly but surely drive you personally insane.

At last game designers can design games where your hands can be chopped off without affecting the game-play.

The built-in camera and microphone means the console responds to all your movements and voice commands, can connect with friends and family, and allows Microsoft to monitor everything you do. For your own sake.

Of course, to recognise you it needs a full body scan. But the makers of the device promise the scan has nothing to do with SkyNet’s plans of world domination. Nothing at all.

Best of all, it completely negates the need for real life!

And the advanced model is the only console that can land you in hospital!

The console can react directly to what it “sees” or “hears”. For instance, if you bring home a Nintendo or Playstation, it will refuse to play with you. / it will sulk.

Of course, it makes you look like an absolute tool if you’re playing Pac Man. (dumb snapping jaws, arms down by sides, running in squares) / The only problem is, it’s really hard to play Pong on it. (act like whole body is a tennis racket)

It promises a more realistic interactive experience. Except of course, in the case of car racing, it’s actually more realistic to be holding a steering wheel.

Great. Now your TV can tell when you’re picking your nose. / Now you can’t even pick your nose in front of the telly. / Now I have to dress up just to watch a bit of telly.

Great. Now your TV watches YOU.

A lot of people are suspicious, saying they’ve seen this kind of thing before. They say the whole thing stinks a bit like Wii.

But what do you throw at the screen when you lose?

Unfortunately now if you swear at the game, it gets hurt feelings.

It’s like virtual reality without the stupid headgear. Which is really going to piss off manufacturers of stupid headgear.

Best of all, it can completely simulate the experience of itself, without it even being there. Spooky.

True to its name, “Natal” has a game providing all the pain and anguish of childbirth, but with entirely virtual children!

British police who suspected a gang of burglars were about to embark on a spree wrote them a letter warning that they’d be watched, and then followed them day and night for a week wearing cameras in their hats. Smile! You’re on Candid Copper!

Ah, writing letters and wearing cameras in your hats. That’s what being a cop’s all about.

They knew the gang of burglars was about to embark on a spree – an undercover operative picked it up on the potplant mike and dialled it in on their shoe-phone.

Proof that the whole “innocent until proven guilty” thing has really taken a back seat with the police force. Now it’s “guilty before a crime”!

It’s just a slight rewriting of the presumption of innocence: “Surveilled until proven guilty.”

The technique’s been so successful that from now on anyone suspected of planning a murder will be executed.

Unfortunately while the dozen suspected burglars were being followed, the police station was robbed.

Even better, the cameras automatically switch off when they detect a raised truncheon.

Operation Bother a Burglar has managed to halve the burglaries in that area of Essex. The only ones that have been committed were while the cops were changing tapes.

As the crimes could never be committed, the gang members remained innocent, and so the police in question have now been charged with stalking.

Operation Bother a Burglar has managed to halve the burglaries in that area of Essex, although apparently complaints of stalking are way up.

Surveillance has never been so obtrusive!

And if the gang continue to avoid doing anything suspicious in front of the cameras, it’ll be time for “Operation Shock and Awe”.

The police said they were also pretty sure the hardcore gang were hiding Weapons of Mass Destruction in there somewhere.

“Operation Bother a Burglar” has worked fantastically in cutting burglary rates. In a hope to cut crime rates more generally, the police have vowed to bother everyone else.

They’re ramping up Operation Bother a Burglar, now including hiding their keys and putting whoopee cushions on their seats.

As if speed cameras weren’t hard enough to avoid, now they’ll follow you!

The police followed the suspected burglars around, day and night, for a week. Shouldn’t they be out catching real criminals? Oh, right.

To tell the truth, the cops didn’t really think the gang would commit any crimes. They were just hanging for an excuse to use their hat-cameras.

Inspired by the success, the Essex police force has now intoduced a series of red-light-hat-cameras at dangerous intersections.

To wipe out ALL crime, police forces around the world are now sending out a warning letter to EVERYONE.

The police have finally discovered what everyone else already knows – they’re experts at bothering people. / being ANNOYING.

One of the suspects complained: “I think this is bang out of order.” If he’d known he was going to be followed, he wouldn’t have gotten into burglary in the first place!

One of the suspects complained: “I think this is bang out of order. Aren’t you guys supposed to be out bothering motorists or something?”

One of the suspects complained: “I think this is bang out of order.” Damn straight, it’s getting like hardened gangs can’t go about their burgling sprees these days.

One of the suspects complained: “I think this is bang out of order.” It’s nearly as unfair as checking for guns at the airport. / It’s nearly as bad as sniffer dogs, customs searches, and checking your bags for weapons at the airport.

The idea is that the police will catch the suspects on film in the middle of a burglary! Rather than, say, arresting them.

What do you call a British policeman with a camera on his head? A triplod.

Majesty

And the bonus question: What revolutionary technique are the Royal family testing out to create green energy?
Answer: They are going to try harnessing wind power using only Charlie’s ears. And Camilla’s wind.

And the bonus question was: What is the Royal Family’s motto?
Answer: “Do or Di”.

And the bonus question was: What is the Queen’s favourite expression for when something has passed away?
Answer: “It’s dead as a Dodi.”

And the bonus question was: as part of the Royals’ environmental awareness campaign, Prince Harry has been trialling a machine that runs on burning dried plant matter – what does he call it?
Answer: A bong.

And the bonus question was: If Majesty is “the Quality Royal Magazine”, what is the Quantity Royal Magazine called?
Answer: Camilla. / Fergie.

And the bonus question was: Where do Majesty source most of their photos from?
Answer: Parisian tunnels.

And the bonus question was: Is Majesty royal-approved?
Answer: No, but they do hire out their paparazzi for special assignments.

And the bonus question was: What’s the Queen’s favourite magazine?
Answer: Old Idea. / Whom Weekly.

And the bonus question was: What are Prince Phillip’s favourite magazines?
Answer: Any ones with which he’s shot a pheasant.

New Zealand Quilter

And the bonus question was: What bloodsucking parasite was found to be infesting many of the contestants of the last NZ Wool show?
Answer: Knits.

And the bonus question was: What do kinky New Zealander knitting fetishists give their girlfriends?
Answer: A knit-one-purl necklace. / A purl necklace.

And the bonus question was: How was the quality of the last New Zealand Quilt Expo?
Answer: Patchy.

And the bonus question was: What is the colloquial expression for a seizure experienced by a small New Zealand wool enthusiast?
Answer: A wee kiwi knitwit fit.

And the bonus question was: What’s distinguishes New Zealand Quilter from other quilting magazines?
Answer: The sealed section.

And the bonus question was: What’s the hardest thing about knitting in New Zealand?
Answer: Getting out the semen stains.

And the bonus question was: What’s the New Zealand Quilter short story section called?
Answer: Yarn-spinning.

And the bonus question was: What’s does a wool-addict use to get high?
Answer: Knitting needles.

West Australian police have launched an advertising campaign to get citizens to “phone in a bikie”. It’s a great idea. The person you’re dobbing in is either an innocent person who just happens to ride a motorbike, or a violent criminal with a history of aggressive and unrelenting revenge.

Do it, you’ll be fine. Because if there’s one person who doesn’t hold a grudge, it’s a bikie.

But surely bikies are easy enough to spot. They’re the ones on the, y’know, bikes.

The police force needs the public to dob in bikies. Because, with their leather jackets, their full-length beards, their tatts, and the way they hang around in big gangs with really loud motorbikes, bikies are just really hard to detect. / are almost invisible. / really blend into the background.

If you’re unsure, a bikie can be spotted by their black leather hides and moustache extending more than one centimetre below their lips. Oh yeah, and they’ve got a BIKE.

After they’ve rounded up all the bikies, they’ll commence Operation Phone-in-a-Honda-Civic-Driver. / Phone-in-a-Moped-Rider.

But you want to be careful, especially now that the bikies have launched their campaign Dob-in-a-Dobber. / Smash-in-a-Dobber.

But it’s wrong to just assume all bikies are involved in violent crime. Some of them just manufacture amphetamines.

But not all bikies are criminals! Many of them haven’t even been caught. / haven’t even been arrested. / haven’t been charged with ANYTHING.

The aim of the campaign is to put bikies on ice. Of course, most of them already are.

I’m sure bikie gangs have no problem with dobbers.

The cops just want a bit of a hint as to where to get the good stuff. / as to where they can get into a bit of biffo.

Of course motorbikes aren’t illegal. Just people who ride them.

The crime assistant commissioner said that the campaign was called “phone in a bikie” since market research found the words “dob-in” was “un-Australian”. Though it’s possible that applies to the activity. / actual dobbing in as well.

Unfortunately the campaign has resulted in some major altercations when people have tried to stick their phone in a bikie.

Although you have to exercise some discretion, as the violent, thuggish, drunken motorcyclist you’re dobbing in may be a cop.

Police want information about who bikies drink with at pubs. Because just focussing on bikies doesn’t give them enough people to harass.

Police want to know who bikies drink with at pubs, as they could be charged with associating with known associates of criminal associates.

Police are asking for registration numbers of bikie gang members. So far they’re just going on guesswork – they were spot-on with “OUTLAW”, “BANDIT” and “BIKIE”!

And if the dob-in-a-bikie campaign doesn’t work, they’re going to start telling people to make citizens’ arrests.

It’s a good plan to target bikies. It means the cops can spend less time having to worry about criminals.

So go on, help the police track motorcyclists. In fact anyone not driving an SUV should be treated with extreme suspicion.

Sharks at British aquariums are being trained to feed from keepers and even roll over and have their tummies tickled. Aww! If you’re lucky, you can feel the remains of the last shark-keeper that tried that trick.

The plan is to make the sharks so well trained that they’ll happily jump in the batter themselves.

They will be taught a variety of commands, beginning with “Don’t Eat Me”.

As well as waiting their turn, the sharks will also be trained to speak when spoken to, and close their mouth when they tear you limb from limb.

Sharks will be given signals with coloured boards and sounds, and will swim towards the keeper, who’s holding what they call a “target stick”, but is actually the last keeper’s arm.

The brightest sharks should respond to commands within three months. The aquarium figures they should go through five or six keepers at most.

It’s like we’ve always suspected – the fishy sharks are actually more intelligent than the human ones.

The sharks will be trained just like dogs. And, just like dogs, they will also go on the occasional blood-fuelled killing spree.

The sharks will be trained just like dogs. Giant scary dogs who live in the water, have row upon row of deadly serrated teeth, and will one day tear us apart in a blood-thirsty frenzy of destructive thrashing malevolence. / and who could tear us apart in a second like a flappy rag-doll made of meat and stuffed with intestines.

But the sharks are smarter than we think – they’re actually training US. And once our guard is down and we’re happily splashing about with them in the water… THEN it’s lunchtime.

The sharks will be trained using coloured boards and sounds, similar to what Ivan Pavlov did with dogs. They’ve previously tried training sharks using Pavlov’s techniques, but the bell didn’t work too well underwater.

Great, now we don’t just have to worry about blood in the water, but having a surfboard the colour of lunch.

Training sharks when meals are by the use of coloured boards is not necessarily great news for surfers.

The brightest sharks should respond to commands within three months, although you’ve got to watch out for the ones with ADHD. / watch out for the slow learners.

Though you’ll have to be extra careful in the ocean. That shark may just be playing dead.

Next, they’re planning on training piranhas, stonefish, and Ivan Milat.

If only it was that easy to train the Cronulla Sharks.

Tuesday, June 23
Tomorrow’s “Australian Social Worker Of The Year” awards will be announced in Perth. I guess they need the help.

Tomorrow, the Australian Social Worker Of The Year awards will be announced. The TV rights are still available. / The action all begins on the threadbare carpet! / The perfect opportunity to wear your least favourite frock!

Climate change sceptic Dr. Ian Plimer will be at the Sydney Institute – if it really exists. / if he can be convinced it really exists.

Climate change sceptic Dr. Ian Plimer will be at the Sydney Institute – or will he?

At the Sydney Institute tomorrow, climate change sceptic Dr. Ian Plimer is supposed to be speaking, although it may possibly just be a phenomenon caused by sun spots.

Tomorrow, the latest radio ratings will be released – fly little radio ratings, fly!

The latest radio ratings will be released tomorrow – although, people who still listen to the radio actually call it “the wireless”.

Wednesday, June 24
Game 2 of the State Of Origin Rugby League will actually be played in one of the states of origin. Remarkable.

Another game of rugby league State of Origin – this time the players will be taught that the state of origin is when a man loves a woman very much. Note: just ONE man.

Wednesday’s Infection-Immunity conference in the Gold Coast will kick off with their special theme song. I haven’t heard it, but apparently it’s really catchy.

Wednesday’s Infection-Immunity conference will be held in the Gold Coast. And it’s very popular – people are dying to get in.

Wednesday’s Infection-Immunity conference will be held in the Gold Coast. And that’s nothing to sneeze at. / Unless it’s snot.

On Wednesday, “Transformers 2” will be released, and it’s more than meets the eye. Apparently, it’s got sound. / Some of it meets the ear too.

On Wednesday, “Transformers 2” will be released, turn into a rocket, and fly away.

On Wednesday, “Transformers 2” will be released – fly little transformers, fly!

Thursday, June 25
Thursday’s “Ageing Population Summit” in Brisbane will smell a little bit like mothballs and urine.

On Thursday Brisbane will host the “Ageing Population Summit”, so called because “Ageing Population Dooverlacky” was already, you know, thingoed.

At Thursday’s “One Just World” forum on carbon trading, it will be announced that under no circumstances will there be trading with any other planet. / that there will definitely be no carbon trade with Saturn.

On Thursday, the inquiry into a referendum on an Australian republic will report in Canberra. They figured they should report their findings in the city of queens.

The chairman of Telstra will be at the Company Directors’ lunch in Adelaide, where they’ll be unveiling the Sol Trujillo sandwich – it’s vegmite smothered in jalapenos, served on a bed of sour grapes. / the Sol Trujillo Cocktail – it’s a shot of VB chased with a flagon of tequila and a swift kick in the balls.

On Thursday, “Hannah Montana The Movie” will be released – fly, little Hannah Montana, and never come back!

Friday, June 26
On Friday, it’s the day that every alcoholic is working up for all year – Red Nose Day.

Friday is Red Nose Day. Punch someone in the face – for the sake of the children.

Friday is Red Nose Day, when everyone can have a good old laugh for sick children and bereaved families. Except of course for The Chaser.

On Friday, Las Vegas will host an auction of Marilyn Monroe & Elvis Presley memorabilia. Unfortunately, both are extremely soiled…

Las Vegas will host an auction of Marilyn Monroe & Elvis Presley memorabilia. Two shadowy figures in sunglasses and trilbies will go unnoticed.

Friday’s Supanova pop culture expo should be a blast…

Friday’s Supanova pop culture expo will tragically see most participants killed in a massive stellar explosion, with the survivors sucked into the resultant black hole. Be careful what you wish for, nerds.

Friday’s Beanie Festival in Alice Springs will go terribly wrong when the place is accidentally flooded with Meanies instead.

Friday’s Beanie Festival in Alice Springs will go terribly wrong when they realise it’s bloody hot, and they should’ve worn sunhats instead.

Friday’s “Fine Wine Festival” in Brisbane will be cancelled and replaced with a “Lager and Bucket bongs on the Verandah Festival”.

Saturday, June 27
Saturday is the School Formal Expo. Perfect for that last minute tuxedo, ballgown or date.

And Saturday’s School Formal Expo will be cancelled, when it turns out to actually be too cool for school.

Sunday, June 28
And on Sunday, it’ll be 90 years since the signing of the Treaty of Versailles, which formally ended WW1. And the world’s been peaceful ever since. / And we haven’t had a war since.

And on Sunday, it’ll be 90 years since the signing of the Treaty of Versailles, which formally ended “The Great War”. All of our subsequent wars have been shit.

On Sunday, Warrnambool hosts the Fun 4 Kids festival, otherwise known as a bus outta there.

Sydney will host the final of the N.S.W. Karaoke Championships, and for one lucky singer a new life beckons – complete with backing track!

Sydney will host the final of the N.S.W. Karaoke Championships. Maybe we’ll find our own Susan Boyle! Maybe not as good a singer, but at least a mad, ugly virgin.

Monday, June 29
Next Monday, it’ll be 60 years since apartheid began in South Africa, and more than 200 years since it began here.

Tom Cruise is embarking on a recruitment drive for Australian Scientologists while spending four months in Melbourne. Doesn’t he know? In this country, we’d rather have a lamb roast.

But when Tom is mentally manipulating people into joining Scientology, it’s not called “brainwashing”. It’s called “Cruise Control”.

Cruise is hoping to dispel myths that Scientology is a cult, by gathering people together and brainwashing them en masse.

Cruise insists Scientology is not a cult – it’s more like a bizarre sci-fi pseudo-religious sect that you sacrifice your life to.

Cruise insists that Scientology shouldn’t be referred to as a “cult”. The correct term is “body-thetan-eradicating brainwave-auditing pseudo-scientific secretive insular litigious lifestyle choice”.

Cruise insists Scientology is not a cult – it’s everyone else who’s hooked into the dangerous cult of unScientology.

Kate Ceberano’s thrilled. She’s sick of doing all the legwork.

Victoria outlawed Scientology for six years in the 1960s after a QC branded it evil. How misguided – it’s the Galactic Confederacy of Xenu that’s evil!

Scientology was banned in Victoria in the 1960s after a QC in charge of an enquiry concluded, “Scientology is evil; its techniques evil… and its adherents sadly deluded and often mentally ill.” Cruise will refute these claims clearly from his Bouncing Couch of Galactic Justice.

Scientology was banned in Victoria in the 60s. Which of course means it’s subsequently been legalised. We wouldn’t want to miss out on a visit from TomKat!

But it’s not going to work in Australia. If we want to see self-important idiots spouting bullshit, we’ve already got Clare the bogan!

Poor foolish man. He thinks his celebrity status will make us flock to his beloved Scientology, but really, while he’s saying “Xenu”, all we’re hearing is “GOOOOSE!”

Because if there’s one guy who can prove that it’s not a religion of crazies, it’s the original couch-jumper.

He’s going to try to persuade people that a religion of alien-worshipping celebrities is actually totally sane, by leaping on a couch and appealing to Xenu.

He’s going to try to prove that, as far as alien-worshipping mind-control cults go, Scientology is definitely the sanest.

Only problem is that it could mean any lunatic could get access to Tom Cruise. Actually, that’s the idea.

Aussies are perfect for Scientology. It’s like Christianity with celebrities!

Cruise will be in Melbourne for four months while Katie Holmes shoots her latest film, Don’t Be Afraid Of The Dark. Let that be a warning to any other cities that want to attract production of Katie Holmes movies.

He’s taking the opportunity to have one last crack at converting Nicole.

I must say it’ll be good to have Tom here by himself, without the moderating influence of, say, Oprah.

Of course Tom gets a bad rap for being a bit unhinged at times, when really, it’s all the negative body thetans doing the face-pulling and couch-jumping.

He’s got to do something with his time when he’s in Australia. Otherwise he might have to watch Katie act.

He’s going to have troubles promoting Scientology in this country. The only aliens here are Austr-aliens.

He’s sure Melbourne will embrace the stories of body-hugging space-creatures. Everyone says it’s crawling with Austr-aliens.

In return, Xenu is now doing a tour promoting “Valkyrie”.

In Britain, an icy pole has been released in the shape of James Bond star Daniel Craig’s torso. Evil villains can at last give 007 a proper licking.

“So, Mr Bond, you are helpless. Even if I decide not to bite off your head, you will still melt while out of the freezer. You will never escape this small wooden stick!”

The frozen snack is featured in re-releases of the Bond classics, “For Your Ice Only”, “You Only Live Ice”, and “Ice-ense to Kill”. / “You Only Lick Ice”, and “Ice-ense to Kill”.

It’s the icy pole of choice for supervillains everywhere. They especially like biting off his head.

Supervillains around the world are now devising cunning new high-tech ways to dispose of the delicious snack.

It’s quite a large icecream. But if evil masterminds can’t finish it all in one go, they can always finish it off next time, NEXT TIME!!

But villains should beware if they think they’ve got Bond captured on that small wooden stick. Leave him out of the freezer, and before they know it, he’ll have just melted away to freedom!

And who HASN’T wanted to munch on a frozen legless body? I know I have.

It comes in 3 flavours – frozen martini, gunsmoke, and the taste of adventure. / and octopussy.

The icy-pole comes in blueberry, pomegranate and cranberry flavours. Coz 007 isn’t a vanilla sort of guy. / They were the poshest flavours they could think of. / Combined, they make a surprisingly yucky martini. / What about gin and olive? / Just like the real Daniel Craig.

Daniel Craig has been a major sex symbol since his first turn as Bond in Casino Royale. So clearly it was about time he was turned into an icy-pole.

The target market is women, who apparently have expressed keen interest in licking Daniel Craig’s icy pole.

He’s definitely far sexier than Bubble’o’Bill. / the Paddle Pop Lion.

It’s the perfect snack for when you crave a frozen secret agent.

Unfortunately, as soon as you unwrap the Daniel Criag icypole, he melts. Looks like he’s just too hot.

It’s kind of weird – it gets you hot, then cools you down. It’s icy bi-polar.

It’s a perfect likeness of the scene when Bond is frozen in carbonite. Wait, that’s not him… oh no, now the bad guys are going to get some ideas!

The icy pole is only available for the UK’s National Ice-Cream week, but fortunately the moulds can still be used to make dildos. / but never fear ladies – the Daniel Craig moulds can still be used to make …other things. (wink wink)

I just wonder what he’s doing with his hands. Looks like icy pole Craig likes his stick.

The icy pole features the Bond-actor from the waist up. Though Craig himself says he’d prefer it if you licked his other half.

Of course if this was Jessica Alba it would be called sexist. And delicious!

Nadya Suleman, known as Octomum after giving birth to octuplets in January, has agreed to star in a reality TV show about her life. And for the second series, maybe she can have another fourteen kids.

No US network has yet bought the series. Unfortunately, with fourteen children, they’re afraid the average viewer won’t be able to follow it.

Suleman’s lawyer said she liked the idea “because she’ll get to use a camera and do some filming”. And let’s face it, anything that isn’t changing nappies or being spewed on, she’s into.

Suleman’s lawyer said she liked the idea “because she’ll get to use a camera and do some filming”. The series will consist of four hundred clips of her saying “Okay, well” before being interrupted by crying babies, nappy changes, breast feeds, brawling toddlers, and trying to deal with the crazy mess that is her life. / Should be easy to fit in between crying babies, nappy changes, breast feeds, brawling toddlers, and slitting her wrists.

Suleman’s lawyer said she liked the idea “because she’ll get to use a camera and do some filming”. But with 14 kids, she also quite likes the idea of sleeping.

Film crews will document milestones, like the octuplets’ birthday, and any time she collects her giant social security cheque. She’s like a one-woman stimulus package!

The series will feature Octomum, her family, and her wacky neighbourhood doctor. He’ll put anyone on IVF!

Octomum was an absolute certainty for a reality show. After all, she’s more hated than Ozzy Osbourne and Paris Hilton put together!

Nadya signed up for the reality show straight away. She can’t wait for the evictions to start.

The reality series will be relatively unobtrusive to her regular life, although in each episode, one child will be voted out of the family.

Of course it’s apt that Octomum has had octuplets. That’s one for each of her tentacles.

She’s been dubbed “octomum”, although given that she has fourteen kids, she should actually be called either tetrakaideca-mum or quatuordeci-mum, depending on whether “mum” takes a Greek or Latin numerical prefix. I’m going to write to the Producers.

The series will just be an average mum’s ordinary day-to-day life as she tries to raise 14 kids, avoid the paparazzi, turn down million-dollar porn offers, chat with Dr Phil, and film herself for her own series. You know, standard reality TV.

If that’s “reality” TV, then I don’t want to see “over-the-top exploitative crazy” TV.

She says that being the focus of a reality television program is actually the perfect way to get away from the paparazzi – once she’s on TV every night, there’s nothing for them to do!

The series has yet to be sold to a US network, despite the promise of the most nappies to have ever been seen on the screen! (It’ll be a ratings smash!)

They’re starting off with six episodes, but if it looks like it’s going well, they’ll implant another eight.