Back from the dead

May 17th, 2013

Well it has been a bloody long time since I’ve posted here. Sorry about that, old chums. So here’s an update about goings-on at The Empire.

Since August, I’ve been working at The Project as a writer and web producer, which means running the content on their web site, as well as writing possible jokes that the hosts might want to use.

Visitors of this blog who used to enjoy the raw jokes posts might like to note that we’ve started up some similar pages called The Week That Was over at The Side Project blog. Rather than a complete list of jokes from our week, we are instead selecting a couple of stories per day.

Every day I also post up Top Stories from the news – some frivolous, some less so. Catch up with them before they officially become old news (at the three month mark they expire from the archive).

Mat and my sitcom Bruce continues to progress towards its inevitable launch, with some scripts we’re really proud of and the cutting together of a rather wonderful trailer, which will hopefully be on the internet very soon.

Meanwhile, Mat’s about to start working for Wednesday Night Fever with our old GNW boss Ian Simmons.

I’m currently also working on the third draft of The Devil’s In The Details, which I’m delighted to say was optioned last year by the marvellously talented Paul Andersen, who also intends to direct. I’ve been taking a lot of care over the plot, but I think I’m almost ready for writing, and I must say I can’t wait.

I’ve recently taken some sessions in comedy writing too, for the Writers’ Guild, RMIT and Channel 31. Always fun. What I think I’m saying is I’m open to offers.

I also now occasionally tweet @wokholt (go on, follow me, I promise it won’t hurt), and did you see the Media Empire trailer on our home page? You didn’t? I guess it’s lucky you can see it here then…

Your Emperor,
Wok

New beginnings, hackneyed endings

February 19th, 2010

Greetings, browsers of the “Internet”,

Well the most exciting news of our career thus far is finally out in the open, so here it is.

Bruce is “under development” with the ABC. See here or here for UNDENIABLE PROOF!

So we’re heads down with our little creative team to make the final case that this should be made into a show on your ABC. The only unfortunate thing is, with the mass of GNW work that we’re doing, along with all the other projects we tend to, time is a resource we have precious little of at the moment.

So, I’m afraid there’ll be an indefinite hold on posting all of our raw material for GNW every week, which has become far more time consuming since we’ve moved from one-day-per-week as junior scribblers on The Glass House to our present four-days-per-week GNW omnijob.

Over the five-plus years, one thing that hasn’t changed is our “Quantity Street” mantra: Each day we faced our assigned stories and let our minds land on any old joke, however mediocre, and let the many processors above us in Sydney sort out things such as delivery, context, and possible humour content. The idea of this blog was to provide a glimpse behind the scenes at the joke killing floor, but if you’ve been coming here for the gags themselves, I hope you’ve found some amusement among the chaff. The stats prove there’s a lot of you out there, so thankyou all for your lookings at us. Hopefully there’s something in the 900+ posts that we’ve put up over the last five years that can still keep you visitors interested.

We’ll drop by from time to time with some news, and there’s every possibility that some day we may provide similar more regular updates. But for the moment, fuck off, we’re busy.

Oodles of love,
Wok & Mat

That was a year, it was (GNW 23/11/09: monologue)

December 4th, 2009

It was all happening in our quiet little corner of the world.    Dictatorship in Fiji, anti-govt riots in Thailand, terrorist training camps in Indonesia, recession in Japan, missile tests in North Korea, a new cold war between China & the U.S., & right next to it all… us!  The Indian-bashing, Sri Lankan-drowning, gollywog-impersonating good guys.

It was all happening in our quiet little corner of the world.    Dictatorship in Fiji, anti-govt riots in Thailand, terrorist training camps in Indonesia, recession in Japan, missile tests in North Korea, a new cold war between China & the U.S… and we were worried about whether Kevin had a free ute. / worried about an act on Red Faces.

China hinted we were racist, Sol Trujillo said it outright, the Indian media went crazy over racist attacks in Melbourne.  But we showed them – by staunchly rallying behind a lame golliwog pantomime, and then refusing to let any more of the darkies into our country.

Although, according to media reports, the dictatorship in Fiji is actually completely (mouth some words with no sound).

While we watched, Bainimarama turned Fiji into a total Bainimaramarama…

There were anti-government riots in Thailand, with the military quite happy to make the Red-shirts even redder…

There were anti-government riots in Thailand, led by a former prime minister.  Imagine what it must be like – a horde of angry bogans being led by a drunken Hawkie!

***

The world was shocked by the passing of Michael Jackson.  Who knew he was still alive?

The world was shocked by the passing of Michael Jackson.  Turns out the waxy plastic freak was still partly human.

Michael Jackson finally ran out of batteries…

Michael Jackson died, though it was how he would have wanted to go.  Young.

Michael Jackson achieved his wish to become the boy who never grew up, thanks to the miracle of myocardial infarction.

The world was horrified to discover he was taking bucketloads of drugs.  We all thought his insane freakish behaviour was natural!

His doctor was investigated for manslaughter.  But Michael Jackson wasn’t really a MAN was he?

His sister LaToya claimed he was murdered.  She thinkshe was hit by, he was struck by, a smooth criminal.

Of course, he’s not dead at all – he’s just “visiting Neverland”.

***

There was a new bully in town.  And that bully’s name was China.  They tried to tell us what we should do & who we could see, & when we didn’t listen, they locked up some of our mining executives.  Well if we won’t tackle our greenhouse emissions, they will. / And if we don’t reduce our greenhouse emissions, they’ll lock them ALL up.

There was a new bully in town.  And that bully’s name was China.  They tried to tell us what we should do & who we could see, & when we didn’t listen, they got grumpy and locked up some of our mining executives.  The Chinese are hoping that if they kidnap enough mining executives, they’ll be able to mine their own iron. Or at least melt down the prisoners.

There was a new bully in town.  And that bully’s name was China.  But really, what do you expect from people who invented the Chinese Burn?

***

The fight over climate change reached boiling point, with the govt. & opposition brawling over how many more billions in compensation they should give to the big polluters.  Climate change is the best reason ever to get into fossil fuel!

The fight over climate change reached boiling point, with the govt. & opposition brawling over the details of a trading scheme.  Don’t they realise – we can’t afford any more of their hot air!

The opposition threatened to vote against a flawed emissions trading scheme that they knew just wasn’t flawed enough.

Try as he might, Rudd couldn’t push through his emissions trading scheme.  So Julia suggested the All Bran Challenge.

Kevin Rudd’s emissions trading scheme created so much friction within the Coalition ranks that it’s actually added to global warming without even being passed.

Most of the Liberal Party loudly proclaimed that global warming was a myth.  The only MPs that believed it were the prospective leaders, although they also believed that they could win the next election.

Most of the Liberal Party loudly proclaimed that they didn’t believe in global warming.  And furthermore, they weren’t prepared to take action on Malcolm Turnbull until they had irrefutable scientific evidence that HE existed.

The National Party threatened to quit the Coalition & take the steam train home to their electorate of oblivion.  There’s no election rout that Barnaby Joyce can’t make worse.

Depending on who you believe, the ETS will cost jobs, create jobs, smash the economy, invigorate the economy, penalise polluters, reward polluters, hurt the planet, help the planet & attract more leaky boats fill of terrorist refugees.  Only one thing is for sure – it won’t get through Parliament, so we’ll never know.

Depending on who you believe, the ETS will cost jobs, create jobs, smash the economy, invigorate the economy, penalise polluters, reward polluters, hurt the planet, help the planet & attract more leaky boats fill of terrorist refugees.  In fact the only thing it definitely WON’T do is make any difference to emissions.

***

“Hey Hey It’s Saturday” proved it still had its finger on the pulse of good, old-fashioned entertainment, a finger also enjoyed by Kyle Sandilands.  And we’ll be back next year with Blackface Holocaust Teen-Rape News Week!

***

Environment Minister Peter Garrett approved a new uranium mine.  (sing) Nu-cle-ar power is his passion…

Environment Minister Peter Garrett approved a new uranium mine.  On his head.

Environment Minister Peter Garrett approved a new uranium mine. Next year he’ll open a powerplant that generates electricity from the fat of burning babies. (mime chucking baby into furnace) “Waaah – FOOF!”

Environment Minister Peter Garrett approved a new uranium mine. Next year he’ll open a Maccas on the top of Uluru. / a restaurant specialising in panda steaks. Yum!

Environment Minister Peter Garrett approved a new uranium mine.  Garrett’s discovered a new sense of renewable energy – the power of hypocrisy!

Environment Minister Peter Garrett approved a new uranium mine.  He also revealed that he’s been wearing a skull-cap all these years, and is actually quite coordinated.

Environment Minister Peter Garrett approved a new uranium mine.  Garrett has moved on from the Campaign for Nuclear Disarmament – the CND – and onto the Campaign for Undersigning Nuclear Treaties. (An acronym he now fully embodies.)

There were renewed calls for Australia to embrace nuclear power. Especially from the Radioactive Mutants Guild. They’re ever so lonely.

There were renewed calls for Australia to embrace nuclear power, because if there’s one thing we’ve learnt this year, it’s that we’ve got bugger-all sun and wind…

There were renewed calls for Australia to embrace nuclear power.  That’s if Victoria’s experiment in bushfire-power doesn’t turn out.

***

An estimated 5 million people tuned in to the final episode of “Master Chef”, making it one of the most-watched programmes in Australian television history.  Spin-offs quickly followed – watch out for “MistressChef” – it’s a real sadomasokitchen!

An estimated 5 million people tuned in to the final episode of “Master Chef”, making it one of the most-watched programmes in Australian television history.  Now everyone’s talking about “plating up” their pie and sauce. / their burger and chips at the bloody Hungry Jacks. / their chicken parmas.

An estimated 5 million people tuned in to the final episode of “Master Chef”, making it one of the most-watched programmes in Australian television history, and inspiring Australians to cook! Sure, it might be baked beans on toast, but check out the plating up!

***

Malcolm Turnbull’s rating as preferred Prime Minister hit 16%, worse than Brendan Nelson’s numbers when he was dumped as opposition leader.  Turnbull’s approval rating stayed so low, the Liberals starting looking at installing their 4th leader in 2 years.  Peter Costello retired safely, knowing he’d really dodged a bullet.

Malcolm Turnbull’s rating as preferred Prime Minister hit 16%, worse than Brendan Nelson’s numbers when he was dumped as opposition leader.  But he can still rest secure in the fact his forehead will never reach the same levels as Nelson’s.

Malcolm Turnbull’s rating as preferred Prime Minister hit 16%, worse than Brendan Nelson’s numbers when he was dumped as opposition leader.  Turnbull’s approval rating stayed so low, the Liberals starting looking at installing their 4th leader in 2 years, until they realised their choices were Tony Abbott and a cardboard cut-out of John Howard.  (And no-one could tell the difference.)

Malcolm Turnbull’s rating as preferred Prime Minister hit 16%, worse than Brendan Nelson’s numbers when he was dumped as opposition leader.  The Libs considered replacing him, but anyone they approached screamed and ran away.

Malcolm Turnbull’s rating as preferred Prime Minister hit 16%, worse than Brendan Nelson’s numbers when he was dumped as opposition leader.  In fact the only way to convert people into a Turnbull supporter was to offer them the Liberal leadership.

***

Telstra CEO Sol Trujillo courageously took the company’s share price into the toilet & pissed off the govt. while pocketing about $30 million of our money.  And they say the Mexicans are dim.

Before he left, he pocketed about $30 million of our money.  That’s one grand enchilada. / That enchilada’s going to be pretty bloody grand.

Sol finally said “Adios” this year, stopping only to call us racist & backward.  He’d had enough of being CEO of Telstra.  Especially all those call-centre Indians. / Then he pissed off himself, saying he’d had enough of racist, backward Australians, and especially those call-centre Indians.

***

It was a year of education.  We learnt the phrase “Global Financial Crisis”, as the International Monetary Fund announced the world economy was at a standstill, trade had collapsed & most developed countries were in deep recession.  Even better, we learnt that it was nothing that couldn’t be solved by letting American taxpayers give corrupt bankers lots of extra money!  Everybody wins!

It was a year of education.  We learnt the phrase “Global Financial Crisis”, as the International Monetary Fund announced the world economy was at a standstill,

trade had collapsed & most developed countries were in deep recession.  And not the kind of recess where you get playlunch and a go on the monkey bars.

Kevin Rudd announced his second stimulus package.  His first was when he was pissed in Scores strip club. / His first stimulus package was the reason he was kicked out of Scores strip club.

Kevin Rudd gave away over 41 billion dollars in one fell swoop.  And Therese is expecting us to pay it back, too.

Luckily Kevin Rudd’s $42 billion stimulus package seemed to avert our own recession.  His only other idea was to say “sorry” to the economy.

Thanks to Saint Kevin’s benevolence, Australia avoided a recession and we all still have the jobs we’re going to need to pay off the massive debt.

It was the biggest govt. giveaway in Australian history.   Quite frankly, he DESERVED that rusty old ute!

It was the biggest govt. giveaway in Australian history.   Clearly the first package had jackpotted.

***

The Cronulla Sharks taught us a new rugby league term: “team bonding”.  That’s when a mix of eight or nine men’s sperm forms an extra-strong adhesive.

The Cronulla Sharks taught us a new rugby league term: “team bonding”.  Apparently it has something to do with watching the naked arses of a lot of other large men go up & down whilst in New Zealand.  The team that scrums together, cums together.

The Cronulla Sharks taught us an alternate term for “gang-bang”: “scrum-cum”!

And the five-eighth didn’t mind being sloppy eighth.

The Cronulla Sharks taught us a new rugby league term: “team bonding”.  That’s what happens when you get watch each other get naked with an unconscious lady. / with a woman on Rohypnol.

Because there’s nothing more manly than surrounding yourself with other men’s naked arses and, somewhere in there, a single small frightened girl begging you to stop.

***

We also became acquainted with the name “Octo-Mum”, as a mother of 6 who had 8 more babies revealed that the father who donated the sperm for all 14 was shocked when he found out.  He thought he’d just been whacking off for FUN. / He didn’t even realise he’d been donating sperm.

According to Nadya Suleman, the father “didn’t know what to say.”  Although, really, it was a bit late for words by then.

According to Nadya Suleman, the father “didn’t know what to say.”  She suggested maybe “hello”. / “hello” was a good place to start.

According to Nadya Suleman, the father “didn’t know what to say.”  “Kill them all!” just seemed inappropriate.

According to Nadya Suleman, the father “didn’t know what to say.”  But that’s OK, because he’ll never get a word in again.

Nadya Suleman gave birth to octuplets and was dubbed “Octo-Mum”, probably due to her eight tentacles.  Though she said they were umbilical cords.

***

We discovered the latest terror sweeping the world was swine flu, a mutant strain of human, bird & pig flu.   And not Osama at all.

We discovered the latest terror sweeping the world was swine flu, a mutant strain of human, bird & pig flu.   Luckily, it mainly seemed to kill off mutant human bird-pigs.  (Which is actually a good thing.)

Swine flu came along, and promised to save us all from climate change, by wiping us out first.  You wouldn’t believe how many pigs I snogged before they told me you didn’t catch it that way.

There were calls for us all to wear face masks in public.  That way people with swine flu could be identified by drawing a little snout on the front.

There were calls for us all to wear face masks in public.  Not only to prevent swine flu, but also just coz some people are really fugly.

There were calls for us all to wear face masks in public, & the share price of the drug companies rocketed.  We very nearly had a swine-flu-led-recovery!

There were calls for us all to wear face masks in public, & the share price of the drug companies rocketed.  In fact it was only swine flu that stopped the world plunging into depression!  Yay swine flu!

America’s Centre for Disease Control said there was no evidence the disease was a biological weapon, but how they can be sure? Pig-bird-people flu sounds like the work of some evil terrorist mastermind to me… SWINE! / because let’s face it, “swine” is the sort of thing Batman would call his nemesis.

U.N. Rudd (GNW 23/11/09: 12 Months in 7 Seconds)

December 4th, 2009

Prime Minister Kevin Rudd makes an historic address at the U.N. General Assembly, an hour late to an empty room.  It was Kevin’s big moment & no-one was there.  Apart from a few New Zealanders making sheep noises. / doing armpit raspberries.

The U.N. Assembly members were also upset at the delay.  If Rudd had’ve been on time, they could have all left an hour earlier.

Prime Minister Kevin Rudd makes an historic address at the U.N. General Assembly, an hour late to an empty room.  It was almost like being at home, talking to the Coalition about climate change.

Rudd was an hour late, and spoke to an empty room.  So they missed his great blackface act.

He was talking to an empty house.  Which meant no-one saw his tears. / tantrum.

Although, it did give him a chance to tell all his favourite nigger jokes.

Seeing that he was only talking to New Zealand and Indonesia, Rudd loosened his tie, tossed away the script, and just blagged on for an hour about what a stinking shitpile the States is. / and invited everyone to accompany him to the nearest tittybar to get SMASHED.

Poor Rudd. It was such a humiliating experience that he spent the whole night crying into a stripper’s tits.

He didn’t mind. He was only really there for the canapes.

Still, at least those who were there were gently lulled to sleep.

Rudd’s late speech meant he missed Barack Obama’s party at the Metropolitan Museum. But Obama was the real loser – he missed Rudd’s riveting speech!

Our Kev is leaving no stone unturned in getting Australia on the international stage: the U.N., the G20, APEC, ASEAN, Copenhagen.   He’s been almost as effective at raising our international profile as some guy poking animals and going ‘crikey’.

Our Kev is leaving no stone unturned in getting Australia on the international stage: the U.N., the G20, APEC, ASEAN, Copenhagen.   And he’s shaking his saucebottle the whole way.

He’s our globetrotting, jet-setting international man of action!  He’s what James Bond would be like if he wasn’t attractive, wild, capable, daring, rugged, adventurous, or interesting in any way.

Our Kev is leaving no stone unturned in getting Australia on the international stage: the U.N., the G20, APEC, ASEAN, Copenhagen; you name it, Ruddy will be there.  He’s our globetrotting, jet-setting international man of action!  Or at least man of multilateral, nuanced discussions about procedures for achieving action-oriented outcomes.

The more international forums Rudd can get himself involved in, the more chance he can issue another apology.

As the year wound up, Rudd issued a whole new apology, to the “forgotten Australians”.  And it looks like next year he’ll be able to apologise to the future Australians whose lives are made a living hell by his failure to solve climate change as he promised.

Rudd loves his international travel, especially now that all his flights are filled with white meat.

Rudd loves being seen on the international stage.  Foreigners think expressions like “fair shake of the sauce bottle” are charming Aussie homilies, rather than sad, desperate inventions by an incommunicative nerd.

Rudd’s had some success raising Australia’s international profile.  The G20’s become a more major force and we could get a spot on the UN Security Council.  That should him plenty of excellent excuses for avoiding Australian issues.

Our Kev is leaving no stone unturned in getting Australia on the international stage: the U.N., the G20, APEC, ASEAN, Copenhagen; you name it, there’s no group of nations that Rudd can’t fail to agree with about climate change action.

Balloon Boy (GNW 23/11/09: 12 Months in 7 Seconds)

December 4th, 2009

Richard and Mayumi Heene, the parents of the hoax “balloon boy” Falcon Heene, will plead guilty to charges of making false reports and attempting to influence a public official.  Falcon has agreed to drop charges of false imprisonment and psychological abuse.

The balloon boy story gripped America for several hours with people so swept away with emotion that no-one was even able to do the simple back-of-the-envelope calculation to prove that the boy was far too heavy to be carried.

They’re being punished to the very furthest extent of the law.  Because everyone’s a bit embarrassed that they fell for a hoax that, if they’d just checked their facts, is CLEARLY PHYSICALLY IMPOSSIBLE.

And after the legal system has finished prosecuting the couple, it will move on to charge the 5000 journalists who reported the story as fact, even though any expert could’ve told them the entire thing was actually completely impossible.

The whole balloon boy saga caught the world’s imagination, as most people can barely imagine the tragedy of a goon bag caught in an updraft.

Turns out he wasn’t a balloon boy at all, but a regular boy made of ordinary flesh and blood.

It’s not actually the first hoax the boy’s been involved in.  Many years ago, he actually claimed to be the child of Richard and Mayumi Heene, but turned out to actually be the Loch Ness Monster.

Of course it’s difficult to prove they are actually guilty.  Unless you, you know, ask their kids.

Falcon gave the game away when he said, in a live interview, that he did it “for a show”.  And now little Falcon is spending time on the naughty perch. / in the time-out balloon.

They were trying to get their own reality tv show – called “Help! My Child Isn’t in a Balloon.” / called “I’m Trapped In A Runaway Helium Balloon – GET ME OUT OF HERE!” / called “Survivor –Helium Balloon.” / called “PUNK’D – Police and Media.”

If they are gaoled, it’s really going to put a dampener on their plans of shooting Falcon into space in a home-made rocket.  But that’s what the older kiddies are for. / But the older kiddies will manage it somehow.

They really wanted their own reality tv show – “Fooling the World’s Media with Really Obvious Hoaxes”.

The parents admit they had to hoax the incident, once they discovered that naming their child Falcon didn’t imbue him with powers of flight.

Turns out Falcon’s not even really their child!  GOTCHA!

Turns our Falcon’s not even really their child – he’s a six foot black guy from Brazil!

Turns our Falcon’s not even really their child – their real child floated away years ago, trapped in a giant helium balloon.

At the very least, they’re definitely guilty of not checking the garage properly before assuming their kid must have fallen out of a giant wine-cask.  But that law’s yet to be codified.

But if Falcon says they were faking it for a show, then they must have been.  Because there’s no way a child would lie to get out of something.  (Especially not if it meant his parents would get in trouble.)

And they have gotten themselves on a reality show.  Or whatever it is you call Crimestoppers. / Or whatever it is you call those prison rape videos.

Well it certainly did work as a publicity stunt.  Now the whole world knows they’re the go-to guys for televisual child exploitation!

The whole thing was a big hoax – there WAS no world-wide media coverage of balloon-boy!  YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D!

The trouble is, now we don’t know what to believe.  Maybe they’re just HOAXING that it was a hoax, to get further media focus!  Or are they?  WE MAY NEVER KNOW?  Or will we?  Or not?  I JUST DON’T KNOW!  AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!

Proof that this year we didn’t mind if a spectacle was clearly rubbish, as long as it titillated our senses.  Balloon boy was this year’s “WMDs”.

Ned Skully (GNW 23/11/09: 12 Months in 7 Seconds)

December 4th, 2009

A farmer has produced a skull he claims to be that of Ned Kelly.  He refused to tell authorities where he got the skull, but if they pay up, he’ll give them Phar Lap and Bradman too.

Wow!  If this really is Ned Kelly’s skull, it will prove once and for all that he truly is dead.

The farmer made a convincing case that it was Ned’s skull, including moving the jawbone up and down and ventriloquising “Such is life!”

It may not be Ned’s skull, but they have definitively ruled out the possibility that it’s his pelvis.

He knew it was Ned’s skull from the minute he found it in a rubbish bin. / mailbox.

The skull does have “E. Kelly” written on the side.  It’s the 1850 version of genetic testing.

The skull does have “E. Kelly” written on the side.  So it either belongs to our Ned, or the guy who created Northern Exposure and Picket Fences.

Only the most hardened criminals actually write their name on the side of their skull.  That’s a brutal tattoo.

Good thing Ned made sure he labelled his skull – just in case he did lose it.

Forensics will determine whether the skull is male or female, the method of death, and how long ago the person died.  It might turn out that Ned Kelly was actually a woman!  And that she died only a couple of years ago, after a big night on the turps at the local bingo hall!  The wonders of modern science.

The Western Australian farmer who handed in the skull said that, if it turns out to be genuine, he’s also got the original Skippy’s paws – although they have been made into bottle opener. / he’s also got another couple of skulls lying around the place, and he’s pretty sure one of them is Gough Whitlam’s, and one is Crocodile Dundee’s!

Of course, if it’s not Ned Kelly’s, it’ll raise a lot of questions about whose skull it really is, and whatever happened to the farmer’s wife.

And if the skull is genuine, it might mean all the rest of those bones in his basement are genuine too.

And if they can identify that skull, the man has hope they can identify all the others he used to build his secret Altar of Sacrifice.  Er, FOUND, all the others he FOUND in his secret Altar of Sacrifice.  He means, Altar of Non-sacrifice.  Ahem.

Ned’s skull was stolen from a display case at the Old Melbourne Gaol in 1978.  Its location for the last 30 years has been a mystery, but suffice to say they’ve had no luck rebuilding him.

Hmm.  Not so much “Such is life” as “Alas, poor Yorick”.

If it turns out it IS someone else’s skull, their immortal soul is going to be pissed at having Ned’s name scratched into their skull.  Unless they were a fan.

Who cares if it’s actually Ned’s skull.  Just stick it in the helmet and everyone’s happy.

The repercussions are incredible.  If this really turns out to be the skull of Ned Kelly, it means… um… well, I guess nothing changes, does it.  Kinda seems like a waste of time, really.  Hmm.  Next story…

Kids Off The Booze (GNW 23/11/09: 12 Months in 7 Seconds)

December 4th, 2009

The Australian Drug Foundation has called for new penalties for adults found to be supplying drinks to boozing adolescents.  Any adult giving a teen more than two standard drinks will be grounded.

The ADF says one in three teenagers are binge-drinking at “harmful levels”, since that is, of course, the whole point.

The ADF says one in three teenagers are binge-drinking at “harmful levels”, which they describe as any level which artificially blocks out any of the natural agony of being a teen.

There’s been a call for parents to be banned from providing “excessive” amounts of alcohol to their adolescent children.  This is shocking news!  I had no idea there was an excessive amount of alcohol.

There’s been a call for parents to be banned from providing “excessive” amounts of alcohol to their adolescent children.  But how are our kiddies meant to get themselves laid?

Parents said they would control their adolescents’ drinking habits better, but they were really hungover. / were still pissed from the night before.

How are kids meant to learn healthy drinking habits when their parents are binge-drinking pissheads?  Not a joke, just an observation.

Of course, “excessive” is different from person to person.   For some people it’s when they start slurring their words, for others it’s when they’re stark naked, shitting in hotel corridors.

Apparently, if you’re squatting stark naked in a hotel corridor, laying a fat steaming cable on their nice carpet, you’ve had too much to drink.

We need a national overhauling of binge-drinking laws.   A great way to start is to remove the alcohol content of all alcoholic drinks.  Then the kiddies can drink as much as they like!  Am I a genius or what?

But stopping our teenagers from drinking is just dangerous.  How are they ever going to get good at it if we don’t let them practise?

Of course, our very own PM was so pissed once he doesn’t even remember causing trouble at a stripclub.  So really, drink up little kiddies – one day, you could be leader of the land.  (AND get to ogle lots of boobs!)

The Drug Foundation has spent the year redefining binge-drinking to be anything over two standard drinks.  Or what most Aussies call a “loosener”.

The Australian Drug Foundation calls anything over two standard drinks “harmful”.  Their office Christmas party ought to be a real blast. / Their Christmas party will be low-alcohol, but fortunately someone’s got the keys to the samples cupboard. / Particularly at their Christmas party – it can lead to cracking open the samples cupboard.

So this year at the office Christmas party, try to remember, a photocopier can give your arse cancer.

But it’s true, two drinks can be harmful, particularly if you then accidentally watch one of those anti-drinking ads.

Are we really a bunch of drunken pissheads?  Or is the dry spell just making us thirsty?

We’re not a nation of boozing piss-heads.  We’re just a bit parched.

Adults will be fined for providing alcohol to teenagers.  So they’re going to have to steal it.

Adults will be fined for providing alcohol to teenagers.  That’s ridiculous – how’s Schoolies supposed to work?

The Drug Foundation says that anything over two standard drinks can be dangerous.  It makes the bucket bongs REALLY hit you. / bucket bongs hit really hard.

The ADF says teens should put away the bottle, and go back to cutting themselves like normal people.

But by saying it’s harmful, the ADF is actually encouraging teens to drink.  Don’t they know our teens are all into self-harm?

Ute-gate (GNW 23/11/09: 12 Months in 7 Seconds)

December 4th, 2009

And we were amazed at the political judgement & cunning of Malcolm Turnbull, who took a nothing story about Kevin Rudd’s old rust-bucket & turned it into… Ute-gate!  Unfortunately Malcolm didn’t know quite enough about utes and got walloped by Tail-gate.

And we were amazed at the political judgement & cunning of Malcolm Turnbull, who took a nothing story about Kevin Rudd’s old rust-bucket & turned it into… Ute-gate!  While Malcolm himself remains a nothing old rust-bucket.

The Ute-gate affair proved that our Prime Minister may be an ineffectual, arrogant, abusive bureaucrat, but at least his ute is legitimate.

Big Mal managed to ensure the first knife that went into his back was self-inflicted by believing Treasury official Godwin Grech, who’d faked an email from Rudd’s office.  Turnbull was also disappointed when that billion dollars from Nigeria never eventuated.

The Liberals said it was the most convincing fake email since that one about Iraq’s weapons of mass destruction.

Bikies (GNW 23/11/09: 12 Months in 7 Seconds)

December 4th, 2009

It’s been a tough year for the poor old bikies.  One moment of alleged unpleasantness at Sydney Airport, and suddenly it’s assumed they’re all violent, vengeful thugs.  Whereas they insist they’re simply violent, vengeful citizens.

Bikies insist that they are not the problem.  There are just too many bollards around.  (And who can resist that sort of temptation?)

Laws have been passed and government campaigns waged to crack down on the bikie menace.  It’s one way of cutting carbon emissions that they have no difficulty getting support for.

But bikies are just people too.  People with weapons, drugs, and violent feuds over turf.  But people!

They’re just ordinary people like you and I, who just love the feel of the wind in their hair, the purring of a big motorbike beneath them, the open road ahead, and the satisfying crunch of skull beneath metal bollard.

After all, if you take away the guns, knives, amphetamines, knuckle-dusters, dope, smack, gang mentality, and propensity for fatal beatings, they’re really just big softies.

Look at ‘em!  Big jolly bellies and beards – they’re just like Santa!  It’s just that, instead of presents, their elves are hard at work making them crystal meth.

The bikies say they are being bashed by the media.  But at least it’s not with a metal bollard.

We shouldn’t demonise the poor bikers.  It’s not them – it’s all that crystal meth.  (See – really, they’re the victims!)

It’s not really the bikies we object to.  It’s the stabbies, bashies, shooties and crushie-with-a-bollardies.

NSW bikies even elected a spokesman, Ferret, who addressed the National Press Club.  Proof that they’re just big softies – would violent thugs give their spokesmen role to a cute fluffy little pet?  I don’t think so.

NSW bikies even elected a spokesman, Ferret, who addressed the National Press Club.  Or it may have been Sacha Baron Cohen’s latest character. / Although all he said was “EEEE! EEEE!”

If they’re really trying to change their image, maybe they should try using a spokesman who isn’t called “Ferret”.

Bikies have been throwing their clubhouse doors open to the public, in the hope of simultaneously improving their image, and luring rivals onto their safe turf.

Bikies have been throwing their clubhouse doors open to the public.  And so long as you don’t touch nuthin, you’ll leave with your face intact.

The bikies insist they’re not criminals.  Unless it’s a crime to ride a Harley, grow a moustache, or give people a right fumping.

But if they really wanted to prove we had nothing to worry about, perhaps the Rebels and the Bandidos should change their club names to The Upstanding Citizens and The Respected Society Gentlemen.

Now the Rebels have changed their name to the Conformists, the Bandidos have changed their names to the Police-os, and the Finks are now the Fanks (Very Much).

Laws have been passed and police have cracked down heavily.  After all, mob violence is their turf. / They want to make sure that the only violent mob allowed access to deadly weapons and illegal drugs is THEM.

But outlawing bikies may be a counterproductive move.  After all, if your mere existence is illegal, what have you got to lose with a bit of drug-peddling and mob violence? / you may as well seize the chance to commit some real crimes.

But bikie groups insist it’s just a few rotten apples spoiling the barrel.  Although that does make for some kickarse cider! / moonshine!

Hoyono? You know. (GNW 23/11/09: 12 Months in 7 Seconds)

December 4th, 2009

Australia’s relationship with Indonesia seems to be doomed, after Susilo Bambang Yudhoyono gives our PM not so much a wet fish handshake as an oceanic wiping.

That’s what happens when one person wants to shake hands, and one wants to tickle palms.

Not only was their handshake limp, but the lovemaking was really half-hearted. / was quite substandard. / was clearly only out of sympathy.

And now he’s postponed his tour of Australia until February!  But Rudd insists there’s no tension between them, and that it’s all part of the natural ups and downs of a normal relationship between two consenting refugee-hating elitist emotionally-retarded adults.

And now he’s postponed his tour of Australia until February!  But Rudd insists that, while there might be tensions between the two men, it’s worth it for the make-up sex.

And now his tour of Australia has been postponed until February.  Well, it takes time to do all the processing. / Which is good – wouldn’t want him to jump the queue.

Yudhoyono’s postponed his Australian visit until February.  He figures by then that most of the asylum seekers will either have resettled.  Or died.

The Liberals are disappointed that Yudhoyono has cancelled his visit.  They were going to ask him to take over as leader.

As Yudhoyono keeps telling Rudd – Indonesians are just as racist as us.  / Indonesians don’t want the darkies any more than we do.

Rudd said that if Indonesia took all the asylum seekers that he’d be happy to say sorry to them at some later point.

Rudd treats the refugee problem the same way he treats all his problems – he apologises, and then sits on his smug arse. (“Sorry, can’t come here buddy.”)

Mr Rudd insisted that his “dealings with President Yudhoyono…are in first class working order right across the spread of the bilateral relationship”.  I think he’s in love. / I think that means he’s got to first base?  / Um… not sure what that means.

Yudhoyono’s spokesman said that the postponement of the Indonesian leader’s Australian visit was due to domestic reasons.  He’s having a domestic with Kevin.

But we should be happy they’re coming by boat.  After all, if any of them ARE terrorists, the last thing we want them coming in on is planes. / it’s so much harder to crash a boat into our major skyscrapers.

The asylum seeker issue seems to be the only thing where the Liberals have made gains against Labor.  In fact Wilson Tuckey’s considering a trip to Sri Lanka to push a few more onto boats.

But of course, they’re probably all terrorists, aren’t they.  Because if you really want to blow up things in a foreign country, the best way is to get yourself crammed into a boat that may very well sink, with no weapons or bombs, and no real likelihood that you will ever make it to your destination.   That’ll teach those infidels!

Rudd denied that he had anything to do with the deal about the Oceanic Viking refugees getting fast-tracked resettlement, although members of his staff were on the committee that drew up the deal.  When it comes to drawing up delicate deals about the most explosive political issue of the day, he prefers to delegate.

Rudd denied that he had anything to do with the deal about the Oceanic Viking refugees getting fast-tracked resettlement.  In fact, he tries not to have anything to do with ANY of his government’s political decision-making.  (Why do you think he calls so many summits?)

Rudd likes to leave the most important decisions about the most important political issues of the day to his staffers.  He trusts that they’re terrified enough to make the right decisions.

Stupid Vampires (GNW 23/11/09: 5 Second Grab)

December 4th, 2009

The Twilight phenomenon hit a new high last week with the release of the “New Moon” movie.  Across the world, young teen girls flocked into movie theatres to swoon over a 108-year-old with false teeth. / dental problems.

All the goth kiddies want to be vampires.  They’re the only things that can wear capes without looking like idiots.

Meanwhile, with the popularity of Twilight, True Blood and The Vampire Diaries, vampire covens are springing up featuring actual blood-drinking.  But really, they’re just fang clubs.

Meanwhile, with the popularity of Twilight, True Blood and The Vampire Diaries, vampire covens are springing up featuring actual blood-drinking.  Well, okay, so it’s mostly bloody-mary-drinking.  But they wear plastic fangs!

They’d much rather have people think their pale skin is the result of being a vampire, than just days stuck inside squeezing pimples and checking Facebook. / than just because they were grounded.

But I’m sorry to say kiddies, sucking on your arm after a bit of self-harm with a compass just doesn’t make you a vampire.  It makes you a FUCKING LOSER.

Of course, when they say “I’m a vampire” they’re really saying “I’m an emo kiddie playing dress-ups”.  And when they say “and I drink blood!”, they’re really saying “when I got my tongue pierced, I didn’t spit much out at ALL”. / “ow, I bit my tongue”. / “ow, I didn’t know a tongue-piercing would hurt so much”.

People always take these things too far.  So let me just spell it out: drinking blood won’t make you immortal, won’t make you fly, and above all, won’t make you less of a dweeby cockhead.

Looks like some kiddies never grow out of wanting to play dress-ups.

The movie is said to be pretty scary.  Then again, to its demographic of 13 year-old girls, kissing a boy is still pretty scary. / having a boy touch your knee is still pretty scary.

Okay then – if you’re a vampire, turn into a bat.

The one benefit of these sad little vampire-wannabes is that now we don’t have to worry about running into them in daylight.

It’s okay for now, but just try being a “vampire” when you’re older.  Most employers want you to work daylight hours – and how they burn!

Of course, these “vampires” don’t get to fly, or turn into a bat, or live forever, or any of the other cool aspects of actually being a vampire.  But they do get to wear a cape. / a frilly cravat and walk around going “bleah”.

Pretending to be a vampire is still not as popular amongst teens as pretending to be a grown-up.

It’s the perfect way for real vampires to remain hidden – all they need to do is dress like normal people. / not dress like vampires.

They don’t seem to be repelled by garlic or sunlight.  However, mention doing the washing up, and they suddenly disappear… / doing a  bit of bloody housework, and suddenly they have to crawl themselves back to their crypt.

Vampires can give you everything: eternal life, pale complexion, and a couple of little dots on the neck.

Pubescent girls are understandably drawn to vampires.  Vampires are guaranteed not to find their periods gross. / icky.

Pubescent girls are understandably drawn to vampires.  Vampires don’t find their new periods gross – they’re DELICIOUS.

Vampires also find pubescent girls attractive.  Especially their fresh periods.

It’s a tragedy.  Pubescent girls fall for vampires, when pubescent boys feel more like werewolves.

Part of the appeal is that all the actors cast as lead vampires are handsome, charismatic young men.  They should try bringing back Bela Lugosi and see how much teen girls like “the undead”.

A hundred-year creature chasing a teenage girl is a bit sick really.  That should only happen at Schoolies.

Of course the Twilight vampires don’t turn into bats, cast reflections in mirrors and seem unharmed by sunlight, garlic and crosses.  So in that case, maybe I’m a vampire too!

Twilight fans call themselves “Twi-hards”, which, frankly, is a little try-hard.

They call themselves “Twi-hards”.  Well, at least they’re honest.

“Twi-hards”.  Well, at least it’s better than “Lamepires.”

Of course, this recent increase in people calling themselves “vampires” will undoubtedly lead to an increase in people calling themselves “Buffy”.

Some girls just like the romance of having their blood sucked.  And vampires are better looking than mosquitos.

GNW Award Nominations: Sauce Bottle for Entertainment

December 4th, 2009

Clare Werbeloff, the “Chk Chk Boom” girl, for services to fat wogs, skinny wogs & their fully sick boys.

Proof that modern journalists would rather talk to a pretty girl than CHECK THEIR FACTS. / DO ACTUAL JOURNALISM.

Proof that modern journalists would rather be first with the news, than report what’s actually happening.

After all, she got famous, and no-one ended up caring about the actual shooting.

Who proved that all you need to get a career on television is to be a lying, racist scumbag! / showpony!

Who showed us that the fast-track to hosting your own TV show is to prove up front that you can tell sensationalist lies.

She’s a real chk-chk-head!

I never would’ve thought bogans were so creative.

****

Twitter, the social network which continues to prove every day that opposable thumbs are not a right, they’re a privilege.

Sad to say, your life doesn’t suddenly become any less shit-boring just because you write it down. / put it on the net.

Though at last we can find out what the Prime Minister’s having for breakfast.

Now everyone can have digital Tourette’s!

Speaking of which, I have a very interesting story to tell you about what I ate for lunch – it was delicious!  (NOMNOMNOM!)

As well as proving that giving some people 140 characters to express themselves is about 137 characters too many.

Do you think, maybe, when they called it Twitter, they were trying to warn you?

Actually, I’m Tweeting right now… “I’m… Tweeting… right… now… LOL!”

It’s a great way to meet up with other people who have the same blend of OCD and rampant egotism. / who have the same interests as you.  Namely, posting up the entirety of the bland minutia that make up their tedious uneventful lives.

****

Our dear friends at the ABC, who managed to turna 2 minute Chaser sketch into a political witch-hunt,& at the end of it all, punished the wrong witch.

But at least it was a Realistic Witch.

And you know what?  Those kids are STILL going to die anyway.

Next time the ABC will run all their jokes past the general public before they air them.

But someone had to lose their job.  Otherwise more children would die.

Looks like the Chaser should’ve made a more realistic wish.

Strange that the Make A Realistic Wish sketch would end up being the most caring and sensible part of the whole debacle.

If only they’d sacked the dying kiddies…

And might I add that I’m very glad that middle Australia concentrated their hate on the Chaser and didn’t, you know, watch Good News Week.

****

And Richard Wilkins, for his fine work on the morning of Michael Jackson’s passing.  Not only did he announce that Jeff Goldblum was dead too, the “Today” show also played an old montage of Jacko which finished with Richard’s voice-over: “This man is a unique talent,we can’t wait to see what he comes up with next.”

Turns out it was maggots.

Well, if Goldblum can keep working, why not Jacko?

And why not?  Wilkins himself has managed a successful media career for over 20 years without a brain. / with brain-death.

Well done, Wilko.  Your sheer cockheadedness is at long last a global phenomenon.

But I tell you what, the zombie Jeff Goldblum’s career has really taken off. / has gone from strength to strength.

Sadly Dickie’s report of his own demise also proved to be ill-informed.

Punching Man (GNW 23/11/09: So You Think You Can Mime)

December 4th, 2009

A Chinese man is renting himself to stressed women, as a punching bag.  Unlike a regular punching bag, you can see the pain!

A Chinese man is renting himself to stressed women, as a punching bag.  He was sick of getting the shit kicked out of him for free.

He’s renting himself out as a punching bag for women.  Unlike rugby league players, who prefer their women as punching bags.

He says he doesn’t mind being paid to be slapped around by fit young women.  In fact, sometimes, he pays them.

Women love the idea.  It’s so much more satisfying than sticking their husband’s photo on a normal punching bag.

Although women insist he dresses up as their husbands.

He’s doing it for his own fitness.  After leaving his abusive wife, he found he was just stacking on the kilos.

At $15 for 30 minutes, I don’t know how much work he’ll get.  After all, women can actually earn money beating up men. / After all, if they really wanted to punch someone, women could mug a stranger and make a bit of cash.

He charges $15 for 30 minutes.  Although after he’s been beaten up for 30 minutes, most customers have no difficulty taking their money back.

As well as making money, he can practice his self-defence skills and also get fit.  He’s hoping they knock the stuffing right out of him!

He hopes to get fit doing it, but I doubt it.  I’ve never seen a punching bag with toned abs. / All the punching bags I’ve ever seen have been fat and pasty, and just sit around doing nothing.

He says the best part is the spankings.

His punching bag service for women is much more popular than the one where he offers to be their horizontal bar. / pommelhorse.

It’s really only a stepping stone.  His real dream is of one day being able to afford an actual punching bag.

And if his punching bag service goes well, one day he hopes to be able to hire himself out as a rowing machine and a set of dumb-bells.

He just strings himself up in the middle of the room.  He looks like a Chinese Michael Hutchence.

He says it helps him practise his self-defence skills.  Or at least, his punch-absorbing skills. / Now come on, that’s just cheating.

It’s really just a ploy to meet women.  He figures if he starts out with getting the shit punched out of him, the only way is up!

He says it’s a lot better than his last job as cricket box.

He’s always been a fan of impersonating sporting equipment, ever since he was the automatic wikkie as a kid.

He’s only had two satisfied customers so far.  The rest weren’t so happy when he king-hit them.  (Must learn to control his reflexes.)

He also offers a service where instead of a punching bag, he acts like a vibrator.  Discount rates, ladies!

And for half price, you can just swear at him.

And for extra, you get the deluxe treatment.  Not only do you get to use him as a punching bag, but then you kick him out of the house, scream abuse at him, and tell all your girlfriends how shit he was in bed.

He’s just hoping being a punching bag will stop women taking it out on his medicine balls.

It helps him get fit.  He needs to be in best form for an upcoming knockout bout with his wife.

He’s really putting the fun back into domestic violence.

It’s so much more satisfying when your punching bag screams in agony.

He gets practice in self-defence.  And the customer gets to hear just how much damage they’re inflicting.

GNW Award Nominations: Sauce Bottle for Sport

December 4th, 2009

Matthew Johns, the Cronulla Sharks, Paul Vautin & the NRL Footy Show, for services to team bonding;

Of course Johns has borne the brunt for the group sex scandal, but you know what they say, it takes eight to gangbang.  Or nine, I mean, who was counting?

And there’s no bond stronger than a whole bunch of rugby leaguers mixing sperm.

Johns has said he won’t dob in anyone else involved.  That would be unethical. / unAustralian.

I guess it makes a nice change from rooting each other up the arse.

It’s to be expected.  Because these ugly meatheads aren’t ever going to attract a woman any other way.

But abusing women makes them feel better about all those feelings they have when they see their team-mates naked in the locker room.

They just really like the feeling of several other men’s semen gliding over their cocks.

Because, deep down inside, the N.R.L are a bit G.A.Y.

They hate having sex on their own.  They need someone to tell them when to pivot.

What do you expect from a game where one of your team-mates is the hooker? / from a game where you can be the hooker to all all your team-mates? / from a game that has a position called a ‘hooker’?

That’s what happens when your forwards are loose!

Now if only we could get Sam Newman involved in a gangbang we could clean up the other Footy Show too!

****

Athletics South Africa, who knew their female 800 metre runner Caster Semenya had male sex organs, but denied, lied & tried to cover it up, proving their balls were actually smaller than hers;

Though luckily for Caster, she’s red-hot favourite for the 800m miscellaneous. / 800m transsexual. / 800m other.

Even her name was a clue – Caster Semenya, you’ve got semen inya.

But Athletics South Africa learnt their lesson, and removed the shaved cheetah they had entered for the 100 metres.

And it turns out she had a massive cock – her coach. / he was the President of Athletics South Africa.

She was born in Limpopo.  But she didn’t realise she actually had a limp popo.

Looks like she’s not the only body to suffer a massive balls-up.

Her balls are trapped in the body of a woman trapped in an official body trapped in a massive balls-up themselves.

****

The competitors in the Belgian Bodybuilding Championships, who were surprised by doping officials, grabbed their gear & ran away;

Although I should say, by gear, we don’t mean drugs, we mean their posing pouches and tiny little testicles.

Followed quickly by their dealers.

Those poor bodybuilders – unless they get some prizemoney soon they won’t be able to afford their drugs.

Unfortunately most of the bodybuilders are so dependent, if you take their drugs away they’ll just deflate.

They’d all just remembered that it was time for Sex and the City.

It’s not because they were guilty, of course – they just don’t like surprises.

It’s not an indication of guilt.  It’s an indication of DRUGS.

****

And Serena Williams, for disputing a foot fault on match point with the immortal words, “I swear to God I’m fucking going to take this fucking ball & shove it down your fucking throat & kill you.”

It was a display that broke a long-standing record by John McEnroe.

She has been serener. / had serener moments.

Nice girl.

And you should see how she treats her sister.

Though I’d like to thank her for providing me with an excuse to say “fuck” three times on the telly.  No, four… fuck.  Five.

It was as if “Underbelly” could play tennis!

I believe that’s Oscar Wilde. / That’s better than Shakespeare, that is.

But why won’t she tell us what she’s REALLY thinking?

Not so great at slapping a ball, but amazing at hurling abuse.

Sure, she’s great at tennis, but she’s just incredible at throatball. / but you should see her play throatball.

Of course, if she DID that, it’d be out for sure.

Robo-rabbit-cock (GNW 23/11/09: So You Think You Can Mime)

December 4th, 2009

Scientists in an American laboratory have given rabbits artificial penises.  I guess they ran out of carrots.

The scientists say that the artificial penises could one day result in a fully-functional replacement for having your penis chopped off by scientists.

That’s a real pubic hare.

Of course all it takes to grow penises in a lab is a life-size poster of Lara Croft.

The artificial penises worked even better than the scientists’ original experiment of supergluing their cocks back on.

The male bunnies were successfully breeding within six weeks of having their lab-grown penises grafted on, and were soon asking if they could have a couple more.

Unfortunately the babies that resulted were all penis. / were born with their penises cut off.

Strangest of all, when the pregnant bunnies gave birth, their children were chocolate eggs.

Scientists said that developing functional artificial penises was a thrill, but not as big a thrill as chopping them off the randy little bastards.

The scientists are hoping that if they can grow artificial penises on humans, they might get laid once in a while.

The scientists say the technology may one day provide solutions to penile cancer, traumatic injury, and scientists with tiny little cocks.

The research will hopefully one day enable surgeons to reconstruct and restore function to damaged tissue in humans, but for now, they’re happy giving rabbits extra cocks. / creating multi-cocked bunnies.

And maybe, just maybe, one day they will create something USEFUL.

The new penises seem extra fertile, extra strong, and grow extra fast.  Help – we’re creating an army of mutant supercocks!

Next the scientists are going to try growing extra scrotums, flaps, and big fat hairy arses.  And who says scientists are immature?

Growing cocks on rabbits, huh.  Well, that’s what you get when you leave the project overview to the work experience kid.

The research will hopefully one day enable surgeons to reconstruct and restore function to damaged penile tissue in men, or just create big fat hairy cocks for women. / or women, if they like.

The research will hopefully one day enable surgeons to reconstruct and restore function to damaged penile tissue in men, and make extra realistic vibrators for women.  (Although they will have a rabbit attached.)

Their original plan was to make the extra penises grow on the rabbits’ scalps, just to see if they could do it – but then the rabbits would’ve all looked like total dickheads.

The scientists say that, powered by their new lab-willies, bunnies will be able to go at it like rabbits. / these bunnies will screw even more than bunnies.

The rats in the next lab are pissed off.  How come they got stuck with human ears?

Next the scientists plan to make a creature that is ALL penis.  The cure for cancer can bloody well wait.

The artificial penises not only gave the rabbits full sexual and breeding function, they could also play the piano like never before!

GNW Award Nominations: Sauce Bottle for Science

December 4th, 2009

Beverly Hills cosmetic surgeon Craig Bittner, for running his car on fat sucked from his patients called “lipo-diesel”.

And he uses their love handles as shammies.

Ah, fat people.  Is there anything we can’t do with their grotesque corpulence?

And if he runs out of fat, he’ll use their juiced brains.

It’s also great for filling waterbeds. / for making really comfortable couches.

So eat up, chubby!

That’s right – if enough of us just pork up, the resource crisis will be over!

Who would’ve guessed – the obesity crisis will save us from climate change!

In the future, the only oil crisis will be an extra-virgin olive one!

Although his car a heart condition. / his duco has developed cellulite.

On the downside, his car now is very sluggish on the hills.  But on the upside, it’s got a much bigger boot. / its boot is HUGE.

Although now when he gets to 70, his car breaks out into an all-over sweat.

And when he’s finished stuffing his car with the lard sucked out of boombahs, he’s going to work on a cure for cancer.

It’s just more efficient than riding the fat bastards. / than getting them to push his car the old fashioned way.

Best of all, now his car’s got a boombar.

Instead of going to a service station, he just fills ’er up at the Hungry Jacks.

Unfortunately he was arrested, and has been forced to switch to unlarded.

He was arrested when police noticed his car was carrying a couple of spare tyres.

Beverly Hills cosmetic surgeon Craig Bittner, for running his car on “lipo-diesel” – fat sucked from his patients.  Or as he calls them, “living bowsers”.

****

The South Korean scientists who used cloning techniques to create 4 beagles with thinner skin that glow red under ultra-violet light.

They were going to take the research further, but they’ve had a strong urge to stop.

Now if only they can teach them to bark “neenaw neenaw” they’ll have a practical application.

Perfect for those occasions when your current pet doesn’t glow red under ultra-violet light. / when you really need a glowing beagle.

Although if you get the skin too thin, they eat themselves, thinking they’re a big bundle of yummy bones.

Which makes the dogs easier to find amongst their robot army.

The perfect accessory pet for nightclubbers.

The dogs are very energy efficient, but a bugger to screw into your light-fittings.

Next, the scientists are moving on to fluorescent rottweilers and strobe-corgis.

They’re not just a cross-breed – they’re furious!

Though if you want to the dogs to light up, you need to plug them into an electric sheep.

Unfortunately a glowing red dog is really difficult to put out at night.

They only glow under ultraviolet light, or when they’re chasing lasercats.

They just need to grow a couple more heads and they’ll finally have their own hellhound. / and they’ll finally have a Cerberus to guard the gates of Genetic Engineering Hell.

The Korean scientists say the research isn’t frivolous.  In fact, the fluorescence really improves their flavour.

****

The U.S. Dept. of Homeland Security, for asking scientists to develop an artificial nose that can detect the smell of fear on terrorists.

Because they don’t want to have to smell that shit themselves. / Because if a terrorist really is shitting himself, they’d rather leave the sniffing to a robot.

Because they’re sick of having to sniff all the passengers at airports themselves. / sick of having to do all the sniffing themselves.

Because god knows we’re not going to find Osama any other way.

Artificial noses can run all day! / The best thing about an artificial nose is that it can run all day.

The artificial nose runs continually. Which is great for surveillance purposes, but does mean they go through a lot of tissues.

Apparently, the smell of fear is very similar to the smell of hummus. / terrorist-fear smells like hummus.

The machine can detect even the subtlest smell of fear, no matter whether it’s urine or faeces.

Because body odours change with fear, especially when you piss yourself. / shit yourself.

Of course the machine is unable to tell whether you’re fearful because you’re a terrorist, or because you’re being frisked by an artificial nose.

Satisfied with their robot nose that can detect nervousness, scientists are now working on a giant tongue that can taste evil thoughts. / taste your MIND.

Unfortunately when the machine was first installed, the scientists were so nervous that they all got sent to Guantanamo.

Of course, an even more useful invention than a robotic nose that smells fear, might be one that can smell BOMBS. / WEAPONS.

The artificial nose is extremely efficient to run, just needing an occasional snot-change.

Unfortunately, it may not stop terrorists. Even in a crowded airport, the robot nose is easy to pick.

****

And Professor Gero Miesenbock & his team from Oxford University, who have managed to implant bad memories in the brains of flies.

So what, I’ve done that.  Chasing after them, going “Shoo!”

Of course, there’s still the old-fashioned way – chasing them with a flyswat.

You know – like giant spiders, cans of Mortein, or shit that smells like roses.

After all, those little bastards deserve it.

Ah, the future of science – traumatising insects.

But then scientists can implant bad memories in any creature’s brain.  It’s their speciality!

The research has given a real boost to fly shrinks. / flychiatrists.

That’s the last time they’ll interrupt research with their stupid buzzing.

And believe it or not, they find our children just as gross as we find theirs.

And it took a lot of work to top the memory of growing up as a maggot.

It’s all part of the beautiful dream that, one day in the not too distant future, they can implant bad memories into EVERYONE’S brains.

Kick out Kiwis (GNW 23/11/09: A Thousand Words)

December 4th, 2009

Government MP Kelvin Thomson has suggested Australia’s population growth is best tackled by cutting immigration from New Zealand.  That way no-one can accuse them of racism.

Government MP Kelvin Thomson has suggested Australia’s population growth is best tackled by cutting unchecked immigration from New Zealand.  Because they’re certainly not asylum seekers – unless they’re just escaping the BOREDOM. / After all, you can’t claim you’re a refugee when all you’re escaping is BOREDOM.

No wonder we’re a backwards nation of racist arseholes – it’s all the bloody New Zealanders!

Turns out we don’t mind boatpeople if they’re white.

So now we know who the real queue-jumpers are.

So those sheep-lovers are the real queue-jumpers – which makes them woolly jumpers.

Worst of all, New Zealanders just won’t assumilate.

But really, maybe we can learn something from all the New Zealanders here.  After all, at least they aren’t still trying to wipe their indigenous people out. / have a treaty with their indigenous people.

They’re not only jumping the queue – they’re hutting it for sux.

They’re jumping the queue, mispronouncing the I, and ruining our Ps and quiet.

They take all our jobs, and worst of all, our vowels too.

And he’ll also launch a campaign of kicking out anyone who ends their sentences with “bro”.

Of course another way of handling our population growth is just to invade the Kiwis.

The trouble with New Zealanders is not just that they have an automatic right to live here, it’s that they never come on leaky boats and they blend right in!

So, all this time that the government’s been ranting on about protecting our borders from boat-people, they’ve been letting New Zealanders just wander in whenever they please?  How do we know they’re not terrorists, taking down our sports teams from the inside?

Government MP Kelvin Thomson says we should do away with our open-door policy to New Zealanders.  A flyscreen ought to keep them out.

Government MP Kelvin Thomson says we should do away with our open-door policy to New Zealanders.  Because New Zealanders are one group that we can happily be racist to.

New Zealanders make up almost a quarter of Australia’s migrant intake.  Which is weird; I would’ve thought if they were being persecuted by anyone, it would be us!

Many New Zealanders are legutimate ruffugees, fleeing persecution.  From Australians.

The only New Zealanders we want are your Russell Crowes, your John Clarkes, your Finn Brothers.  You know, the ones we can be proud of!

Pah, New Zealanders.  Coming here with their international points of view and open-mindedness.  Well we don’t want you!

It makes a mockery of the government’s pleas to New Zealand to take refugees off our hands.  They’ll pass through the Shaky Isles much quicker than Christmas Island!

New Zealanders can just wander in here any old how.  And it’s about time we kept them out, those vowel-terrorists!

But why NOT let em in?  We’ve got plenty of sheep to share. / We’ve got enough sheep for everybody.

In desperation, Sri Lankan refugees are now asking if anyone has any fush and chups.

GNW Award Nominations: Sauce Bottle for Politics

December 4th, 2009

Kevin Rudd, for his $42 billion stimulus package.  A lot of people got Pink Batts they didn’t need, a lot of schools got buildings they didn’t need,a lot of Aboriginal people got nothing, & our childrengot a deficit they can pass on to their children.

But hey, they can’t vote.

Kevin is glad we avoided recession, though if you have any other global crises that allow him to bribe voters, he’s all ears.

Um, sorry?

But at least we avoided recession, in favour of perpetual debt.  But if it all goes pear-shaped, you can huddle under your plasma screens.

See, when the politician gives the people money, it’s not called bribery!

It’s a great way to help the economy – and the beer industry.

Finally we all got to feel what Therese has been feeling for so many years – Kev’s big stimulus package.  And like Therese, we all found it wasn’t quite big enough, went too quickly, and since he gave it to us, he’s just rolled over and gone to sleep. / and now we’re sleeping in the wet patch. / and now we’re lying in the wet patch, listening to him snore.

*****

Hamid Karzai & the Afghani govt., for services to vote rigging, which reached its peak with the news the electoral roll in Kandahar contained “Britney Jamilia Spears”.

Of course, “Britney Jamilia Spears” could’ve very well been a real person.  Like “Michael Abdullah Jackson”, “Lady Fatima Gaga” and “Kermit Ahkmed The Frog”.

Even more interesting – it’s the first time anyone’s seen votes cast by Bigfoot and the Loch Ness Monster.

Of course it may not mean the elections were rigged – it might just mean that Britney has discovered Allah and the wonders of voting, all at once.

Because what good’s corruption without hoes and bitches?

Though that backfired when the phoney Britney couldn’t work out which box to tick.

Karzai’s main opponent then pulled out of a run-off election, leaving a vast number of disappointed imaginary voters.

But it turns out Britney didn’t really cast a vote – she was only miming.

Britney would’ve voted too, except the purple finger would’ve clashed with her lip gloss.

Hang on – remember “Toxic”? Middle-Eastern scales, Britney in a full body-suit, and as an airline hostess… she’s the true mastermind behind 9-11!

Corruptly enrolling Western pop princesses – it’s definitely a new way to counter the fundamentalist threat.

Well at least Britney’s better than their usual pop music – the Taliband.

*****

Zimbabwe President Robert Mugabe, for running a country with the worst inflation in history, while sending  out a birthday party wish list asking for 200 bottles of French champagne, 8000 lobsters, 4000 portions of caviar & more;

Then again, Zimbabwean lobsters are pretty small, pathetic-looking creatures.  You need a couple of hundred just to really get the flavour.

Sure, they ended up as lobsters.  But at the start of the meal they were shrimp.

And caviar in Zimbabwe isn’t the same as European caviar.  Instead of fish, they have to use blowflies.

But Zimbabwe’s such a bloody disaster area, you’d need 200 bottles of champagne just to drown your sorrows.

200 bottles of champagne seems fair enough – there’s a whole lot of sorrows to drown in Zimbabwe.

Though Opposition Leader Morgan Tsvangirai was allowed to serve. / even allowed an extra helping of gruel.

Well, if he paid in advance it was an absolute bargain.

He also ordered a spate of birthday bashings.

It was the Zimbabwe version of a stimulus package.

But he only had a medium-sized slice of cake.

And he ordered a huge cake made out of the skulls of opposition supporters.

If only the starving populace could be fed with lobsters, caviar and champagne.  If only.

*****

And the former Howard govt., who thought Sol Trujillo was the right amigo to run Telstra.  $31 million later, Sol pissed off, stopping only to call us racist & backward.

Sure, we’re racist and backward – but we still need a telephone that works.

How dare he call us racists!  I mean, we weren’t even wearing blackface yet!

31 million dollars seems like a lot of money, but he deserved it.  After all, he works so hard in those Mario games.

Well, maybe we are racist. Or maybe he was just an incompetent boob. See, we can be sexist too!

But we were wrong to make fun of Sol’s Mexican heritage. We should instead have been making fun of his incompetence, arrogance, and inability to laugh at himself.

Yeah, well, what would a bloody yank know about anything? They’re all bloody STUPID.

Turns out Sol can’t take a little racist jibe. Typical Mexican.

Sol says Australians are racist since they kept pillorying him as a Mexican when he’s really an American.  He HATES Mexicans.

Sol said that coming to Australia was liking stepping back in time 30 years. If only. Then Telstra would have been merely subject to governmental incompetence.

Sex amnesia (GNW 23/11/09: Strange But True)

December 4th, 2009

An American woman suddenly developed amnesia while having sex with her husband.  The woman, known only as Alice, hopes one day to remember her surname.

Neurologists say sex-triggered amnesia is quite common, and usually develops after an orgasm.  Ladies – be careful what you wish for.

She was taken to the hospital by her husband.  At least, the man CLAIMS to be her husband.

Transient Global Amnesia is caused by pressure in the blood vessels of the brain, and is often caused by sex, bowel movements, or that ninth bucket-bong.

Apparently, TGA is actually experienced by nearly all of us.  We just don’t remember having it.

It’s like how a power surge can wipe your computer’s hard drives.  Although she’s a lot more fun to reformat.

The sex was so great, she’ll never remember it.

Her husband is really pleased that she’s okay, although he’s a bit disappointed that the best lovin’ he’s given her in years has been totally wiped from her memory.

Her hubbie’s a bit disappointed.  After all, she remembers all the BAD sex they have.

Then again, she’s nearly sixty, and her husband’s even older.  Them having sex is probably an image worth forgetting. / I wish I could forget they’d been having sex.

She just didn’t remember inviting in the whole rugby team.  But they assure her, she did.

She also lost the ability to form new memories.  So she didn’t even know she had amnesia.

Apparently sex is a common trigger for amnesia.  Funny, I don’t remember that… / I’ve never heard that before – at least, I don’t remember it…

Transient Global Amnesia can be caused by any strenuous activity.  So it’s advised not to do any heavy lifting with your frontal lobes. / So no more moving house with your brain.

Transient Global Amnesia is caused by pressure in the blood vessels of the brain, and is often caused by strenuous sex, or bowel movements.  And there’s nothing worse than waking up in the wet spot, covered in your own faeces, with no memories of what you’ve been up to.  Or so I’ve been told.  Ahem.

Still, if you’re going to lose your memory, it’s better to lose it from a hot session of rumpy pumpy than from laying a massive cable.

So now you know – the real sign that you’re wild in the sack is when your partner turns to you afterwards and says “who the hell are you?”

She is now fully recovered and can remember everything apart from the act of intercourse that triggered the attack.  She can remember everything else: the rohypnol, the chloroform…

The orgasm triggered a memory loss that wiped out years of memory.  All the way back to her last orgasm.

They initially thought she’d had a stroke, but it turned out it was full penetration.

Either she lost her memory, or decided to feign amnesia to avoid having to tell her husband how shit he was.

So next time someone doesn’t rave about my lovemaking, I’ll know it’s an amnesia attack.

After having sex last August, 59-year-old Alice lost all memory of the last several years.  She thought Bill Clinton was still President.  But then who hasn’t wanted to wipe Dubya’s Presidency from their memory? / Imagine that – sex so good that it could completely eliminate the memory of Dubya. / So not only did it wipe out all traces of Dubya, but it was FANTASTIC SEX!

She thought Bill Clinton was still President!  Weird that sex could make you forget about Bush.

Papal Aliens (GNW 23/11/09: Strange But True)

December 4th, 2009

The Vatican is holding its first ever conference on alien life.  Apart from all the ones about the freaky floaty aliens from planet Heaven.

Of course, alien life would make many of the stories in the bible finally make sense.  All those ‘angels’ and ‘heavenly spirits’ – they’re aliens.  And all those smitings – PEOW PEOW!

Now we know how Jesus walked on water.  Alien hovershoes!

Finally, we can make more sense out of the old parable of John and the Tribbles. / and the Klingons.

It makes a lot more sense out of the story of Jesus and the Dalek on the Mount.

Well, at least we know how Jesus rose up to heaven.  Tractor beam. / Simple teleport.

“Beam me up, Goddie!”

And now we know how Jesus did that loaves and fishes trick – he just had them stashed in his Tardis.

Embarrassing, really, that the one true religion might actually be Scientology.

The Pope had better hope we don’t find aliens.  How would we tell them apart?

The Pope said he was convinced there weren’t aliens.  At least they’d never seen any on his home planet.

But the Church say if they’re going to believe in aliens, they want undeniable proof! / But the Vatican says it’s ridiculous to believe in aliens when there’s just no proof!

The discovery of alien life would have profound implications for the Catholic Church.  It would challenge the idea that God made man in his own image.  On the other hand, it would lend weight to the idea of an all-powerful skyman.

The discovery of alien life would have profound implications for the Catholic Church.  We thought God had his hands full with the six billion of us.

The discovery of alien life would have profound implications for the Catholic Church.  What’s use is praying if God’s currently taking care of the Nurblerds from Orion Beta-6?

Catholic leaders say alien life can be aligned with the Bible.  That’s the good thing about that book, you can make it mean whatever you want.

The Pope’s secretly hoping to find alien life.  It might explain why he looks like that.

The Pope hopes he does find other planets containing alien life.  Then he’ll finally get to use his Death Star.

The Church are hoping they find some sort of interstellar beings up there.  Maybe they can tell us which planet Heaven is.

The Church is welcoming thirty scientific experts to the conference, hoping they’ll be more open to religion if they find an alien Jesus.

The real problem for the church is if they find aliens that can walk on water and raise the dead.  Jesus would just look like a hack.

They could end up discovering that what they thought was God was just an alien in a false beard.

And once the Church have determined whether aliens are real, they’ll have similar investigations into leprechauns, munchkins and divine beings. / and God.

The Vatican are holding a conference to study the possibility of alien life.  And if so, how we might be able to send missionaries.

Aliens are a totally new realm for the Church to delve into.  After all, one day we may actually learn whether aliens exist.

A conference on whether or not aliens exist – for the Vatican, that rates as pretty practical.

The discovery of alien life would have profound implications for the Catholic Church.  Finally, the Pope would be able to take off his Earthling-suit. / could show his true form.

The discovery of alien life would have profound implications for the Catholic Church.  They’d have to send missionaries off into space. / All those extraterrestrials, ripe for the evangelising… / All those extraterrestrials yet to hear the Word of God!

Of course, it makes more of a difference to Catholics than Hindus.  Their gods are already a bunch of alien-looking freaks.

They’re actually hoping that the exploration of space actually gives them concrete evidence for the existence of God.  Because there’s bugger all here on Earth.