Glass House

Affairs just follow script (The Glass House 25/5/05)

A huge slab of stuff some of which made it to air about the Herald-Sun article “AFFAIRS JUST FOLLOW SCRIPT”, which I can’t find online but which is more or less summed-up below.

Two US divorcees have written a new book claiming that they when men cheat on their wives, they always follow a predictable pattern of behaviour. Well, at least the ones they’ve found out about do. The typical pattern is:
1. Man sleeps with woman other than his wife
2. Wife finds out about it
3. Man receives groin injury.

Men are all the same when it comes to cheating: without exception, they have sex with people who aren’t their partners.

The first sign of a cheating husband is looking at other unfaithful men and saying “I would never do that.” So to reassure your woman, point out cute chicks and say, “Phwoar, I’d definitely do that!”

One sure sign of cheating is when your man gives you an unexpectedly expensive gift. I guess that gives me another excuse to be a cheapskate then. “I’m just showing how much I care…”

One sign of cheating is when your husband gives you an unexpectedly expensive gift. So don’t give her mixed signals, boys, to show your lady how much you care stick to gifts of chewing gum and shoelaces.

Men criticise women’s taste to cover up their own affairs. For instance you might tell her that she watches shit TV. Why not be honest – you should just tell her you’re banging her sister. When she runs out crying, you can watch what you like!

Another tell-tale sign is when you see your man smoking a cigar covered in cum-stains.

Apparently if your man is using the ‘net a lot, he’s probably having an affair. But he might not be cheating on you – he could just be downloading kiddie porn.

Don’t worry; he might not be cheating on you when he’s using the net a lot. He might just be catching butterflies… (butterfly net catching motion)

Another sign of a straying husband is when he becomes distant. So distant that he’s actually over at his mistress’ place.

Another sign your husband is cheating is if he’s a world record wicket-taking spin bowler. It’s a clear Warne-ing sign…

One sure sign that your partner’s been cheating is when he dumps you in a public place amongst friends and family. But at least then you’re rid of him.

Seems that a man who says he’d never cheat, buys you gifts and goes to the gym a lot is almost definitely cheating. So ladies, it looks like stingey, fat womanisers are the go…

The book also includes a list of things a woman can do if she suspects her husband of cheating. Odd to note that they left out the “torturing of the genitals” technique – I thought that was the standard one.

According to The Script, if a man tells his partner she needs a counsellor, he’s cheating on her. But if a chick thinks her fella’s cheating, she’s meant to recommend he sees a counsellor… You can’t win – unless you’re a counsellor…

According to The Script, if a man tells his partner she needs a counsellor, he’s cheating on her. But if a chick thinks her fella’s cheating, she’s meant to recommend he sees a counsellor… pretty confusing. Especially if he’s having an affair with a counsellor… “But I am seeing one!”

Counsellors agree that the book is very helpful. To them.

This book would be written by counsellors, would it?

Whereas men try to run their partners down to cover up an affair, cheating women are more covert, always keeping up appearances and the housework. In fact the best way to tell if a woman is cheating is if nothing at all is in any way different… Makes it kind of hard to spot.

If you think The Script is good, wait till you see The Film…

It’s a good book, but I couldn’t help reading another one on the side…

90% of affairs men commit are either with work colleagues or their wife’s best friend. Well, it is probably the best chance of getting a threesome…

The biggest threat is the classic predatory femme fatale, who’ll go to great lengths to steal your man. Of course, once your man is her man, she’ll lose interest and you can just steal him back. No probs.

The best way to get your man is to work on your own femme fatale routine and beat the other woman at their own game – you have an affair with him too.

By Wok and Mat

Warwick Holt and Mat Blackwell are long-time writing partners, who created the mega-award winning web series Bruce, and wrote loads of jokes for TV shows including Good News Week, The Sideshow and The Glass House. Several years of their raw material for those shows is posted right here on this blog.

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