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Good News Week

Good Next Week (GNW 12/10/09: closing)

Tuesday, October 13
Everyone should celebrate tomorrow’s National Herpes Day. It’s simplex!

Tomorrow’s National Herpes Day! People are itching to go.

Tomorrow’s National Herpes Day! Well, that’s what you get for having an ‘Unprotected Sex’ Day.

Tomorrow is National Herpes Day! Everyone’s favourite incurable blistering STD.

Tomorrow is National Herpes Day! Celebrate by drinking limited-edition Herpes Slurpees – they’re blisterrific!

Tomorrow, Melbourne will host the “Day Of Confrontation” conference, with the theme, “Kicking the economy while it’s down”. And they’ve picked the perfect speaker – Peter Costello.

Tomorrow an American foreign policy expert will give a talk in Canberra on Afghanistan. America has foreign policy experts? / America has a foreign policy? / That’s right, the situation is Afghanistan has gotten so dire that America are getting in the foreign policy experts.

Tomorrow an American foreign policy expert will give a talk in Canberra on Afghanistan. Apparently, it like totally sucks.

Tomorrow an American foreign policy expert will give a talk in Canberra on Afghanistan. In his expert opinion, the country seems to be at war. / involved in some kind of war.

In Canberra tomorrow, the health adviser for Pepsi will give the public health policy oration. Pepsi having a health adviser is a bit like Hitler having an adviser on Yom Kippur. / Hanukkah.

In Canberra tomorrow, the health adviser for Pepsi will give the public health policy oration. Apparently, Pepsi is not only healthier than fruit juice, but it makes you like totally hot.

In Canberra, the health adviser for Pepsi will give the public health policy oration. If you can’t understand him, he may have left his teeth out.

In Sydney tomorrow, it’s the “Demand Dignity” anti-poverty forum. Take THAT poverty!

In Sydney tomorrow, it’s the “Demand Dignity” anti-poverty forum. Followed by a forum called “Well, What’s Plan B?”

In Sydney, it’s the “Demand Dignity” anti-poverty forum. Though, to be fair, demanding food and shelter would probably be more helpful.

In Sydney, it’s the “Demand Dignity” anti-poverty forum. And once they’ve got their dignity, they’ll start asking for something practical. / they might start looking into getting some food and shelter.

Sydney will host the Australian International Education Conference and fings like dat.

Sydney will host the Australian International Education Conference. Don’t forget to take notes – there’s an exam at the end of it. / at the end there’s a comprehension test.

Sydney will host the Australian International Education Conference. And if you’ve ever been into a school staffroom, you’ll know just how pissed they’re going to get…

Tomorrow, the public in Hobart will get a visit from Kevin Rudd & his Cabinet, resulting in a lot of disappointed Tasmanian cupboard-fanciers.

Tomorrow, Kevin Rudd & his Cabinet will talk to the public in Hobart, just days after addressing the world stage. How the mighty have fallen.

Kevin Rudd & his Cabinet will meet the public in Hobart – just in case any terrorists out there are wondering where to plant the bombs.

New York will host the Sportswoman of the Year Awards. My money’s on Brendan Fevola.

Ian Thorpe will turn 27. About time he got a job I reckon.

Wednesday, October 14
Wednesday’s National Ride To Work Day will include Magda Szubanski, who promises she’ll wear lycra. Though armour might be more appropriate.

Wednesday’s National Ride To Work Day will be marred by over a dozen riders being hospitalised by Magda Szubanski. / being brutally crushed by Magda Szubanski.

In Canberra, the govt.’s Chief Scientist will address the National Press Club on Wednesday. Apparently hovercars are on hold until they finish the Doomsday Device.

In Adelaide, the CEO of World Vision will speak at the Company Directors’ lunch, where they will dine on what they like to call ‘Somali jerky’.

On Wednesday, CSL, the Australian company which makes the swine flu vaccine, will hold its annual general meeting. Weirdly enough, since the outbreak of swine flu, sales of their swine flu vaccine have skyrocketed!

Wednesday is the annual general meeting for the Australian company which makes the swine flu vaccine, CSL. They’ll combine their’s with CSR’s so they’ve got a spoonful of sugar. / so they’ve got a spoonful of sugar to help the medicine go down.

Thursday, October 15
On Thursday in Sydney, the NSW Greens will hand out the Bad Developer Awards. Sure, it’s no Oscar, but it’s better than nothing.

In Sydney, the NSW Greens will hand out the Bad Developer Awards. It could go to anyone – the ALP or the Liberals!

In Melbourne, it’s Australia – China Business Week, which will begin with the traditional hostage exchange.

In Melbourne, it’s Australia – China Business Week, or as it’s known in the business world, “doin’ the white-boy grovel”. / “seven days of suckjobs”. / “seven days of sucking up”.

Andre Rieu will start another Australian tour – lock up your grandmas! / elevators!

In Canberra on Thursday, it’s the Future Broadband Infrastructure Summit. Telstra will be in attendance, they’ve just got to work out which half.

In Canberra, it’s the Future Broadband Infrastructure Summit on Thursday! This year, they’ll be beaming their talks directly into each others’ MINDS.

On Thursday, Sydney will host the Pharmacy Australia Congress, hopped up on goofballs.

On Thursday, Sydney will host the Pharmacy Australia Congress, using a fake prescription and a stolen healthcare card.

Friday, October 16
Friday’s Australian Motorcycle Grand Prix will go horribly wrong when a streaker runs across the track exposing his grand prix.

In Sydney, Friday’s Miss Pole Dance Australia Championships will be marred by a lack of women willing to degrade themselves for the oppressive patriarchy. Just kidding – there’s still plenty of sheilas still willing to get their tits out!

Liza Minnelli’s tour will arrive in Sydney, where she will be mistaken for a zombie Michael Jackson and set alight. / beheaded with a spade. So it’s not all bad news.

In Melbourne, the Build Green expo will announce the world’s most eco-friendly home: a tree.

In Melbourne, due to a media mixup, the Build Green Expo is accidentally replaced with the Grilled Bean Expo, leading to a lot of disappointed, but well-fed, punters. / a lot of visitors who are disappointed, but well-fed.

Saturday, October 17
On Saturday, John Farnham’s tour will arrive in the Barossa Valley. Everyone will be so pissed on fine wine that while they will THINK they’re the voice, you may not understand them. But they’ll make a noise, and make it clear – aaaaauuuuuuaaauuaaaagh, aaaaauuuuuuaaaaaa-aaauuauuaaagh.

On Saturday, John Farnham’s tour will arrive in the Barossa Valley, just as Ron Barassi’s tour arrives in Farnhamland! Hmmm, not as funny this week.

On Saturday in Launceston, it’s the Australasian Supercross Championship. Best crucifix wins!

In Launceston on Saturday, it’s the Australasian Supercross Championship, which makes me not just angry, but super-cross.

On the Gold Coast, it’s Fresh-Fest 2009! The food’s so much better than at Fester-Fest.

On the Gold Coast, it’s Fresh-Fest 2009. Let one off!

On the Gold Coast, it’s Fresh-Fest 2009, kicking off with a parade of the Fresh-Fest Best-Dressed, before they let the Fresh-Fest Best-Dressed get refreshed and rest.

The World’s Funniest Island Festival will kick off on Sydney’s Cockatoo Island, but will face some stiff competition from Nauru. It’s made of poo, you know! POO!

The World’s Funniest Island Festival will kick off on Saturday. The winner looks to be Kickapupu. / Titibangbang-cockalot.

The World’s Funniest Island Festival will kick off in Sydney – turns out it’s Tassie AGAIN!

On the weekend Marilyn Manson’s tour will arrive in Brisbane, where he’ll try on boardies for the first time, and renounce the whole silly goth thing, becoming a surfie called ‘Mazza’.

Marilyn Manson’s tour will arrive in Brisbane. Interesting trivia fact: Marilyn isn’t his real name.

On Saturday, the best “up & comers” in Australian business will be revealed. I’m guessing interest rates.

Sunday, October 18
On Sunday in Adelaide, it’s CheeseFest 2009! The perfect festival to go with the Carnival of Port and Crackers.

On Sunday in Adelaide, it’s CheeseFest! And I’ll be there wearing my home-made cheese-vest.

In Melbourne, it’s the 2009 Irrigation conference will feature a lot of whinging farmers being really irrigating.

In Melbourne on Sunday, it’s the 2009 Irrigation conference, followed by the 2009 Irritation conference, where farmers will just whinge.

In Sydney, it’s the Teddy Bears Picnic, and once again a lot of food will go home uneaten.

In Sydney, the annual Teddy Bears Picnic will end in disaster when it’s invaded by a pack of real bears. Not so cute.

Monday, October 19
Next Monday is the Sunshine Coast Fashion Festival. Flouro board shorts are still in!

By Wok

Warwick Holt is a highly experienced, award-winning screenwriter, who has written for many of Australia’s top comedians and presenters, and the Emperor of this here Media Empire.

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