Good News Week

Hotel in Spaaaaace (GNW 16/11/09: What’s The Story?)

Hooray!  In just three years we could all be staying at a new luxury resort – in space!  Well, I say luxury, but you still have to have your lobster thermidor sucked through a straw.

The Galactic Space Suite Resort will cost $4.4 million for a three-night stay.  And you’ll have to tip the valet a fortune.

Sure it’s expensive.  But individually-packaged little zero-gravity soaps don’t come cheap.

And the intense security a space hotel would have will make it virtually impossible to steal the towels.

You can check out any time you like, but you can only leave if you reach escape velocity.

Onboard the spacecraft, visitors will see the sun rise 15 times a day.  There’s no real nightlife up there – there’s no time.

It’ll only cost 4.4 million dollars for a 3 night stay.  Unfortunately, as it orbits the Earth every 80 minutes, each night is only about 40 minutes long.

The interior of the hotel will be beautiful.  Because you can’t really go outside. / anywhere else.

The money is coming from a mysterious anonymous benefactor who is apparently a “billionaire space enthusiast”.  Surely there aren’t that many – I reckon they’d be easy to track down.

It’s worth the money just to be able to take a massive dump, and then watch it freeze as it floats past your window.

You have to train for eight weeks for your 3 night stay.  Kinda takes all the fun out of it if you ask me. / It’s less of a holiday and more of a galactic boot camp.

The $4.4 million holiday includes an eight-week training course on a tropical island.  So it’s insanely expensive, but at least it also costs you a fortune in time.

Guests would see the sun rise 15 minutes a day and travel around the world every 80 minutes.  Take that, Phileus Fogg!

Guests would wear velcro suits so they can crawl around the walls of their pod rooms  Though it also takes some getting used to making cups of velcro tea.

It’s also going to be a great spot for aliens to spend a relaxing few days without having to encounter too many of those hideous Earthlings.

At last aliens have somewhere to stay without having to come in contact with the “funny little Earthlings”. / with too many foreigners.

It’s worth it to swim in the zero-g pool.  It’s a huge ball of water you can dive into from any direction!

The resort is equipped with all the luxury of an Earth-bound resort – although be warned, a quick game of deck volleyball can make you implode.

The company’s CEO believes that in the future it will be common for our children to live in space.  After all, they sure won’t be living on this hellhole. / After all, Earth will no longer be inhabitable.

Although, if you trash your hotel room in space, you risk being sucked into the eternal void.  And that’s not a metaphor for groupies and drugs, either.

You’d just better hope they don’t run out of bread.  It’s a long long way to the shops.

All the stars are going to want to go there.  Space is, after all, their natural home.

The space station orbits the Earth every 80 minutes.  So 18 times a day, you can wave to mum.

You’re taken up to the space hotel via a space shuttle, so there’s a less than 10% chance of fiery incineration.

You’re taken up in a space shuttle, which then remains attached to the space station so the guests don’t feel abandoned.  It also means they should be able to make all the needed repairs.

Unfortunately, as the hotel orbits the planet, it is constantly crossing borders, and you have to change your money every 5 minutes. / have to get your passport stamped every 30 seconds.

Unfortunately, as the hotel orbits the planet, it doesn’t use the currency of any particular Earth-bound nation.  The hotel only accepts wazoos.

I can’t imagine a better escape from the modern-day stress and business.  Although you do have to deal with space junk.

It’s just like Google Earth, but there’s no way to control where you’re going, you can’t zoom in, and you can’t just flip over to porn at the click of a mouse.

It’s perfect for the person who prefers to holiday in a cramped spacepod surrounded by a freezing empty void.  (So Canberrans will feel right at home.)

It’s the perfect holiday to take just before you set off your doomsday device.

And if you don’t like the place, well, you’re always welcome to leave.

By Wok and Mat

Warwick Holt and Mat Blackwell are long-time writing partners, who created the mega-award winning web series Bruce, and wrote loads of jokes for TV shows including Good News Week, The Sideshow and The Glass House. Several years of their raw material for those shows is posted right here on this blog.

Leave a Reply