Good Next Two Months (GNW 23/11/09: closing)

Tuesday, November 24

Robbie Williams will start his promotional tour.  Robbie who?  See, that’s why he needs a promotional tour.

Robbie Williams will start his promotional tour.  I loved him as Mork.  Nanu Nanu!

Robbie Williams will start his promotional tour.  If enough people still remember him, he’ll think about doing a tour containing, you know, some music.

In Canberra, the inquiry into keeping banks accountable will report.  Apparently the best way to do it is to let them do what they want, and when it all falls in a heap, raise taxes.

In Canberra, the inquiry into keeping banks accountable will report.  After they finish pissing themselves laughing.

*****

Wednesday, November 25

Wednesday is “Go Home On Time Day”, highlighting the health risks & economic downside to our long-hours work culture.  I don’t care if that patient is flat-lining – GO HOME.

Wednesday is “Go Home On Time Day”, if it doesn’t get delayed.

Wednesday’s “Go Home On Time Day” will ironically fall on a public holiday.

Wednesday’s “Go Home On Time Day” will be much more successful than last year’s “Harder, you Lazy Bastard Day”. / “Sacrifice your First-Born to Moloch Day”.

The Sports Performer Of The Year Award will go to Italian soccer player Fabio Grosso.  (Sure, it was years ago, but still an unbeatable performance.)

The Sports Performer Of The Year Award will be cancelled, when it turns out none of the sportspeople were performing at all.  They were doing it for real!

Perth will host the State Of Australian Cities conference, which will find that all Australian cities remain in the states they began in.

Wednesday marks 60 years since Australia’s first computer became operational, and 59 years 364 days since it received the very first offer to enlarge penises.

Wednesday marks 60 years since Australia’s first computer became operational, and 59 years 364 days 23 hours and 56 minutes since the first computer crash.

Wednesday marks 60 years since Australia’s first computer became operational, and also the first incomprehensible crash. / and the first ever exasperated cry of “I was just about to save that!”

Wednesday marks 60 years since Australia’s first computer became operational.  It was as big as a house, was powered by coal, and had viruses the size of your fist!

Wednesday marks 60 years since Australia’s first computer became operational!  Of course, back then, the only game you could play on it was ‘sort the punch cards’.  / was the very first ‘Grand Theft Auto’.

Wednesday marks 60 years since Australia’s first computer became operational!  Of course, back then, a game of Tetris took five days to complete, and each block was the size of a car.

Wednesday marks 60 years since Australia’s first computer became operational!  And it’s the same one the government still uses to calculate the budget.

Wednesday marks 60 years since Australia’s first computer became operational!  Of course, back then, you didn’t have gigabytes and megahertz – you had to do all your calculations in cubits.

Wednesday marks 60 years since Australia’s first computer became operational!  It had 4 bits and an operating system almost as bad as Windows Vista.

The Bureau of Statistics will release the “Causes Of Death In 2008” report on Wednesday.  Apparently, the biggest cause still seems to be the termination of biological functions.

*****

Thursday, November 26

Sydney will host the 2009 ARIA Awards, though not a single aria will be sung.  Ripped off.

On Thursday, Sydney will host the 2009 ARIA Awards.  Shame no-one writes arias any more.

Sydney will host the Walkley Awards.  Glenn Milne better win one this year, or there’ll be real trouble.

On Thursday, Melbourne will see the Productivity Commission hold a hearing into problem gambling.  Apparently, it really helps with a casino’s productivity.

In Melbourne, the Productivity Commission will hold a hearing into problem gambling.  Odds are it’s not good news, I bet.

On Thursday, in Melbourne, the Productivity Commission will hold a hearing into problem gambling.  Although to the commission, it’s known as ‘dedicated consumerism’.

In Canberra, the inquiry into the gay marriage bill will report on Thursday.  What a great job – no matter WHAT you report, you’re going to be pissing off about half of the entire population.

In Canberra, there’ll be a report from the inquiry into the Gay Marriage Bill.  Apparently he’s found a Gay Marriage Barry.  Good luck, lads!

In Brisbane, the interim report on alcohol-related violence is due on Thursday.  At this stage they’re pretty sure it’s mostly due to the fat wog.

On Thursday in Brisbane, the interim report on alcohol-related violence will get off to a bad start when they begin with a practical exercise. / start with a piss-up and a punch-on.

In Brisbane, the interim report on alcohol-related violence is due on Thursday, although it may be delayed due to a few unforeseen drunken brawls.

BHP Billiton will hold their general meeting, where shareholders will claim “It’s mine!”, entirely missing an indefinite article.

On Thursday, BHP Billiton’s general meeting will be disrupted by a group of white-faced silent minstrels who think it’s a miming company.

*****
Friday, November 27

The Western Australian Environment Awards will be presented.  They’re made out of recycled loo paper and dolphins. / made out of worms and recycled toilet paper.

On Friday, the Western Australian Environment Awards will be presented.  The winner – the numbat.

Western Australian Treasurer Troy Buswell will give the State Of the State address, after he uses it as a wankrag.

Western Australian Treasurer Troy Buswell will give the State Of the State address.  Watch your seats. / You may still be able to sniff out a seat.

The corruption trial of Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi begins on Friday.  The judge is expected to rule in the first 5 minutes that not only is Berlusconi innocent, but his golf game is first-class. / but he’s a world-quality lover. / but he’s incredible in the sack too.

*****

Sunday, November 29

In Canberra, the inquiry into water licenses will report that the whole thing’s been a waste of time.  Apparently, water can’t even DRIVE!

*****

Monday, November 30

In Sydney, the Pride Of Australia Medal will be presented next Monday.  It will go to the best and fairest group of lions.

In Sydney, the Pride Of Australia Medal will be presented next Monday.  It’s a pink strap-on covered in glitter.

In Sydney, there’ll be a public forum on “Governing The Economy”.  Wayne Swan will deliver the opening address, titled “Alright, who wants a crack?”

*****

Tuesday, December 01

His Holiness, the Dalai Lama, will be in Sydney on Tuesday.  He’s got the accumulated knowledge of centuries of ancient wisdom.  We’ve got a BRIDGE.

On Tuesday, His Holiness, the Dalai Lama, will be in Sydney.  Just to buy some Harbour Bridge souvenirs and a gelati.

In Melbourne, there’ll be a forum on the future of airports.  Should be worth crashing.

In Melbourne, there’ll be a forum on the future of airports.  Apparently, in the future, they’ll still be airports.

On Tuesday, Ziggy Switkowski, Australia’s leading advocate of nuclear power, will be at the Sydney Institute.  Peddling death.

On December 1st, Ziggy Switkowski will be at the Sydney Institute, talking up nuclear power, and the powerful labour resource that is radioactive mutants.

******

Wednesday, December 02

Britney Spears will turn 27 – everyone mime Happy Birthday!

*****

Thursday, December 03

Melbourne will host a conference on “Growing Up In Australia”, so we can all reminisce about those days of Sunnyboys, footy cards, and conferences with a point.

Melbourne will host a conference on “Growing Up In Australia” next Thursday.  Apparently if you live here as a child, it all sort of just happens.

On Thursday, Melbourne will host a conference on “Growing Up In Australia”.  The conference will start off innocently enough, but soon enough will become peppered with lies and denials, before becoming an angry tirade of name-calling and blame, only to peter out into a more compromising and mature dialogue, albeit a lot more boring and conservative, before ending with nothing but reminiscings, long-winded anecdotes, and aimless ramblings without a point.

*****

Saturday, December 05

By-elections for Higgins & Bradfield, Costello & Nelson’s former seats.  The Liberals will doubtless win both, but it’s going to take many many years for the new MPs to fully win our hate.

*****

Monday, December 07

The one we’ve been waiting for: in Copenhagen, December 7, the U.N. summit on climate change will begin.  If everything goes well, on December 8 the world will all be better.

In Copenhagen, December 7th, the U.N. summit on climate change will begin.  Unfortunately, it will omit so many important factors that they’ll have to set up an omissions trading scheme.

In Copenhagen on December 7th, the U.N. summit on climate change will begin.  It’s unfortunate, really, that climate change is so much easier to achieve than behavioural change. / political change.

In Copenhagen, December 7th, the U.N. summit on climate change will begin.  It’s unfortunate, really, that we can create climate change without even knowing, and yet creating political change is like squeezing blood from a fucking STONE.

In Copenhagen, the U.N. summit on climate change will begin.  Expect lots of hot air, and after the bean dinner, plenty of talk of emissions.

It’ll be the 90th birthday of plastic.  One more decade and it’ll get a non-biodegradable hunk of synthetic polymers from the Queen.

December 7 marks the 90th birthday of plastic.  Happy Birthday, you non-biodegradable hunk of synthetic polymers you!

*****

So, Merry Christmas, Happy Hannukah, and for the atheists among us, have a Very Neutral Unremarkable Period of Time.

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