Good News Week

Poor Kyle (GNW 23/11/09: The Solid Gold Sauce Bottle)

It’s about time everyone laid off Kyle.  Talk about a persecuted minority!  (There’s only one of him!)

How was he to know?  In his house, making light of underage rape is just a bit of innocent fun!

He really just had no idea other people would think he was being offensive.   I mean, who DOESN’T wile away the evenings laughing at rape and concentration camps?  It sure beats listening to the radio.

He’s just been unfairly targeted because of his incredibly ugly head.  I’m sure everyone laughs at Christian Bale’s concentration camp rape jokes.

But far worse than what Kyle’s harmless little quips about concentration camp weight-loss are the people who refuse to acknowledge him – the Sandilands-deniers.

The way you people attacked him over his concentration camp comments, you’d think he’d lit the ovens himself!  And he clearly hasn’t lost that much weight.

But why would anyone expect Kyle to understand the horror of concentration camps?  He doesn’t even have a concentration span. / He’s never had that sort of concentration.

But it’s not surprising he attacked Magda Szubanski’s weight loss.  He’s in serious danger of becoming Australia’s Fattest Celebrity.

Personally, I’m proud of Austereo for letting someone with so many special needs on the air.  It’s affirmative action!

But of course, it’s not really Kyle’s fault.  He’s just playing a character, like Borat or Ali G.  It’s just that he’s been playing that character since he was born, and can’t seem to turn it off.

He’s actually very sensitive to rape and concentration camps.  See, he’s being IRONIC.  And the reason we don’t get it is just because of our own stupidity!  It’s our fault, not his!

He’s actually an incredibly talented actor.  You’d have to be, to make such a staggeringly moronic and impossibly insensitive bigot believable.

The last thing we need is Kyle suspended from air, wandering the streets, forcing teenage girls to tell him all about their sexual experiences.

So go on, give him a break.  Without Kyle, Jackie O would look dumb.

It’s not that he’s not funny – it’s that Jews and rape-victims have no sense of humour.  Lighten up!

Kyle winning this award is the ultimate tribute to a bloke who was kicked out of his stepfather’s house at 15.  And now virtually all Australians can empathise, with his poor stepfather.

Of course, it’s not his fault.  He’s just so used to people abusing him for being a total arsetard, he actually thinks it’s just how you show affection.

Poor guy!  He was kicked out of home when he was only 15 – so it’s no wonder he still thinks like an adolescent.

Poor guy!  He was kicked out of home by his stepfather when he was only 15 – how was he meant to know his stepdad didn’t like concentration-camp rape jokes?

But Kyle needs another chance.  Until he manages to get the Holocaust and rape together in one sentence, we’ll know his best work is still to come.

But Kyle isn’t so stupid.  At least, not compared to his listeners.

So this award goes out to the most insensitive, boorish, bigoted moron in Australia – Kyle’s fan club president.

But his best work is yet to come.  He hasn’t even touched the disabled, Muslims, or dying children yet! / or cancer patients yet!

But we shouldn’t be so hard on him.  I mean, once upon a time, he would’ve been the kingdom’s most popular hangman.

He’s not really to blame.  I mean, it’s not like he actually raped the girl himself.  Although if that’s what his audience wanted, how could he say no?

But he’s what the audience wants!  He’s like a clown, a prankster, and a public hanging all in one!

It’s just good old-fashioned entertainment.  Like a lynching!

But really, it’s our fault.  We continue to let him live.

In Saudi Arabia, they don’t have Kyle Sandilands.  And that’s why they still have public stonings.

He just does what the public want him to do.  If only the public wanted him to FUCK RIGHT OFF.

It’s not his fault.  He just has a combination of tourette’s, autism spectrum disorder, and being an utter twat.

It’s just the power’s gone to his head.  Imagine what he’d be like if he actually had some sort of power that MATTERED!

It’s not like he ran the concentration camps himself!  He was born too late, and in the wrong country!

But if you can’t joke about concentration camps, what can you joke about?  Things that are actually funny?  How old fashioned!

He’s just upholding the grand old traditions of Aussie comedy!  He’s like Graham Kennedy, Daryl Somers, and a baby-killing dingo all rolled into one.

I mean c’mon!  Since when has it been a sin to tell fat people they deserve to die in the holocaust?  I mean, they DO!

But if you can’t joke about concentration camps, what can you joke about?  Kiddies with cancer?  I don’t think so.

It’s just the stress of being stuck in a small room with Jacki O, day after day after day, and not being able to pin her down and give her a Dirty Sanchez.

Kyle provides a much-needed service to the community, as a lightning rod for wowsers.  If we can get him to do a segment on dying kiddies on bicycles – in blackface – then everyone else might be able to avoid the heat.

In this year when the wowsers took over the media, Kyle has been their whipping boy.  So keep him on-air, before the entertainment vampires start looking for… other victims.

And I know they’re my employers, but Network Ten – it’s your fault!  First axing “Big Brother”, and then, when there’s a little lie detector slip-up, dumping him from “Idol” – it’s no wonder he wanted to send one of your remaining hosts to a concentration camp!  (I think he showed remarkable restraint in not calling for Mikey’s head on a pike!)

Australia needs a man like Kyle, who can address those subjects the rest of us dare not touch, regardless of “political correctness”, “humour content” or “thought processes”.

Kyle Sandilands is a martyr!  He’s the one man unafraid to say the things “polite society” doesn’t want to hear.  Maybe concentration camps are excellent for weight loss.  If these ideas can’t be spoken, human progress will stagnate!

But our Kyle’s not all bad.  I mean check out his hair!  Okay, fine, he’s all bad.

Who can take a broadcast?
Joke about the Jews?
Ask a young rape victim if she still remained loose?
The Sandilands… Kyle Sandilands can.
The Sandilands can
Coz he mixes it with bile and rates his arse off too.

Who can take a broadcast?
Joke about the Jews?
Polygraphs and social gaffes and getting on the news?
The Sandilands… Kyle Sandilands can.
The Sandilands can
Coz he mixes it with hate and rates his arse off too.

By Wok and Mat

Warwick Holt and Mat Blackwell are long-time writing partners, who created the mega-award winning web series Bruce, and wrote loads of jokes for TV shows including Good News Week, The Sideshow and The Glass House. Several years of their raw material for those shows is posted right here on this blog.

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