Good News Week

GNW Award Nominations: Sauce Bottle for Religion

Pope Benedict the 16th & his pals at the Vatican, for posing this question on International Women’s Day: “In the 20th century, what contributed most to the emancipation of western women?”  And their answer?  The washing machine.

After all, even emancipated women need nice clean undies.

After all, if you’re going to burn your bra in public, you want it to be nice and clean.

It may have helped emancipate women, but it’s bad for race relations – all that separating the whites from the coloureds…

Why, if they get their robes white enough he may even consider admitting them to the clergy!  Nah, only joking, girls.

Now go and be free and wash my clothes.

The washing machine is liberating to women like the U.S. is liberating to dead Iraqi children. / to the Iraqi people.

It’s certainly emancipated nuns to do a lot more of the Pope’s bidding.

How can he not see – the washing machine is the tool of the devil!  Removing God’s spots and blemishes!  AND emancipating women!

Well, maybe not emancipating women exactly.  But it has made them whiter-than-white!

Ah, the Pope – no longer a Nazi, but he still likes everyone whiter-than-white.

Ah, the Pope. He may have renounced his Nazi Youth, but he still gets nostalgic for the ’40s.

But, of course, if there’d been washing machines in Christ’s day, the Shroud of Turin would’ve come out whiter than white and enzyme-fresh!

Because, after all, there’s nothing the church likes better than a whitewash.

And it’s perfect for feminists who want to get the burn marks out of their bra!

The big, brave “Church” of Scientology, who seemed to think being teased & laughed at by normal, intelligent people actually qualified as “religious vilification”.

Not only that, it’s racist too!  Bloody Earthlings.

But really – is a belief that we’re inhabited by ancient intangible spirit-creatures from space actually any weirder than Scientology?

Scientologists believe religious vilification should be punishable by prison, if not banishment to the Phantom Zone.

It’s almost as bad as when the aliens do it.

But if you don’t want to be laughed at, you don’t use silly made-up words like “Scientology”.

But if you don’t want to be laughed at, you don’t follow a religion full of aliens, invented by a science-fiction writer.

They want to imprison anyone who makes jokes about the alien theology that the church itself refuses to acknowledge.  That’s not religious vilification – it’s spreading the good word!

Apparently the alien curses just haven’t been working well enough.

The Church of Scientology, who tried to make religious vilification – especially laughing about their alien theology – a jailable offence.  And I for one am happy for them to imprison all of my body thetans.

Catch The Fire Ministries leader Danny Nalliah, for blaming the Victorian bushfires on the state’s abortion laws, & claiming that Parliament House in Canberra is being cursed by baby-sacrificing witches.

If only they’d got to him in time. / If only they’d sacrificed HIM.

The real tragedy is, if there’s baby-sacrificing witches, they let Danny Nalliah LIVE.

But it makes sense – that’s how Kevin Rudd turned into a newt.

But of course the bushfires were because of the abortion laws.  God hates nothing more than the destruction of innocent life.  (Unless he’s doing it.)

The cause of Pastor Nalliah is still under investigation.  (But someone must have pissed God off that day.)

Doesn’t he realise?  Sacrificing Canberran babies may be the only way to stop politicians breeding!

Of course, we have proof that there are no witches in Canberra: Danny Nalliah hasn’t been turned into a toad. / is still alive.

Canberra Witches! They’re like regular witches, but cold, grey and boring! / but way more bureaucratic. / but only cast spells a few months a year.

Nalliah says the only way to end the blood sacrifice will be to have all the witches brutally slaughtered.

Nalliah says that the witches are cursing Parliament, impacting on decisions which should be being made in secretive back-room deals.

And the Islamic extremist magazine, “Jihad Recollections”, which contains, amongst other things, fitness tips for terrorists.

But really, it makes more sense than offering gardening tips. / fashion tips.

Because you want to be totally ripped when you get totally ripped to shreds.

Because after all, nothing’s more unpleasant than a suicide bomber covering the place with hot lard.

Because obese suicide bombers actually reduce the impact of their explosions by cushioning everyone in soft warm lard.

Because, if you’re going to be blown to bits, you want to make sure all those bits look as good as possible.

Because you want to leave a good-looking pile of shredded meat.

Because Allah thinks tight firm abs are sooooo hot.

Because you want to look hot for your 72 virgins.

Because if you believe blowing yourself up is a holy cause, you might as well fully embrace being a meathead.

Because why should being a braindead meathead be restricted to western soldiers?

Normally the way they blast away their flab is literally.

But don’t get TOO fit.  You wouldn’t want to, you know, survive.

If you don’t want to leave your cave, get the DVD: Osamacise! / al-Qaedacise! / Suicidacise!

There are also diet tips emphasising eating dry crackers and dates, drinking water and blowing yourself into extremely thin shreds. / low-fat smithereens.

Build up those biceps and triceps to help them piece you back together with forceps.

The only problem with exercising while completely covered in robes and scarves is you have no idea if it’s doing any good.

Instead of sit-ups, they do blow-ups.

Jihadist gyms – they put the “abs” in “absolutism”.

Unfortunately recollections of jihad can only be made by those who were unsuccessful.

By Wok and Mat

Warwick Holt and Mat Blackwell are long-time writing partners, who created the mega-award winning web series Bruce, and wrote loads of jokes for TV shows including Good News Week, The Sideshow and The Glass House. Several years of their raw material for those shows is posted right here on this blog.

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