Papal Aliens (GNW 23/11/09: Strange But True)

The Vatican is holding its first ever conference on alien life.  Apart from all the ones about the freaky floaty aliens from planet Heaven.

Of course, alien life would make many of the stories in the bible finally make sense.  All those ‘angels’ and ‘heavenly spirits’ – they’re aliens.  And all those smitings – PEOW PEOW!

Now we know how Jesus walked on water.  Alien hovershoes!

Finally, we can make more sense out of the old parable of John and the Tribbles. / and the Klingons.

It makes a lot more sense out of the story of Jesus and the Dalek on the Mount.

Well, at least we know how Jesus rose up to heaven.  Tractor beam. / Simple teleport.

“Beam me up, Goddie!”

And now we know how Jesus did that loaves and fishes trick – he just had them stashed in his Tardis.

Embarrassing, really, that the one true religion might actually be Scientology.

The Pope had better hope we don’t find aliens.  How would we tell them apart?

The Pope said he was convinced there weren’t aliens.  At least they’d never seen any on his home planet.

But the Church say if they’re going to believe in aliens, they want undeniable proof! / But the Vatican says it’s ridiculous to believe in aliens when there’s just no proof!

The discovery of alien life would have profound implications for the Catholic Church.  It would challenge the idea that God made man in his own image.  On the other hand, it would lend weight to the idea of an all-powerful skyman.

The discovery of alien life would have profound implications for the Catholic Church.  We thought God had his hands full with the six billion of us.

The discovery of alien life would have profound implications for the Catholic Church.  What’s use is praying if God’s currently taking care of the Nurblerds from Orion Beta-6?

Catholic leaders say alien life can be aligned with the Bible.  That’s the good thing about that book, you can make it mean whatever you want.

The Pope’s secretly hoping to find alien life.  It might explain why he looks like that.

The Pope hopes he does find other planets containing alien life.  Then he’ll finally get to use his Death Star.

The Church are hoping they find some sort of interstellar beings up there.  Maybe they can tell us which planet Heaven is.

The Church is welcoming thirty scientific experts to the conference, hoping they’ll be more open to religion if they find an alien Jesus.

The real problem for the church is if they find aliens that can walk on water and raise the dead.  Jesus would just look like a hack.

They could end up discovering that what they thought was God was just an alien in a false beard.

And once the Church have determined whether aliens are real, they’ll have similar investigations into leprechauns, munchkins and divine beings. / and God.

The Vatican are holding a conference to study the possibility of alien life.  And if so, how we might be able to send missionaries.

Aliens are a totally new realm for the Church to delve into.  After all, one day we may actually learn whether aliens exist.

A conference on whether or not aliens exist – for the Vatican, that rates as pretty practical.

The discovery of alien life would have profound implications for the Catholic Church.  Finally, the Pope would be able to take off his Earthling-suit. / could show his true form.

The discovery of alien life would have profound implications for the Catholic Church.  They’d have to send missionaries off into space. / All those extraterrestrials, ripe for the evangelising… / All those extraterrestrials yet to hear the Word of God!

Of course, it makes more of a difference to Catholics than Hindus.  Their gods are already a bunch of alien-looking freaks.

They’re actually hoping that the exploration of space actually gives them concrete evidence for the existence of God.  Because there’s bugger all here on Earth.

Leave a Reply