GNW Award Nominations: Sauce Bottle for Politics

Kevin Rudd, for his $42 billion stimulus package.  A lot of people got Pink Batts they didn’t need, a lot of schools got buildings they didn’t need,a lot of Aboriginal people got nothing, & our childrengot a deficit they can pass on to their children.

But hey, they can’t vote.

Kevin is glad we avoided recession, though if you have any other global crises that allow him to bribe voters, he’s all ears.

Um, sorry?

But at least we avoided recession, in favour of perpetual debt.  But if it all goes pear-shaped, you can huddle under your plasma screens.

See, when the politician gives the people money, it’s not called bribery!

It’s a great way to help the economy – and the beer industry.

Finally we all got to feel what Therese has been feeling for so many years – Kev’s big stimulus package.  And like Therese, we all found it wasn’t quite big enough, went too quickly, and since he gave it to us, he’s just rolled over and gone to sleep. / and now we’re sleeping in the wet patch. / and now we’re lying in the wet patch, listening to him snore.

*****

Hamid Karzai & the Afghani govt., for services to vote rigging, which reached its peak with the news the electoral roll in Kandahar contained “Britney Jamilia Spears”.

Of course, “Britney Jamilia Spears” could’ve very well been a real person.  Like “Michael Abdullah Jackson”, “Lady Fatima Gaga” and “Kermit Ahkmed The Frog”.

Even more interesting – it’s the first time anyone’s seen votes cast by Bigfoot and the Loch Ness Monster.

Of course it may not mean the elections were rigged – it might just mean that Britney has discovered Allah and the wonders of voting, all at once.

Because what good’s corruption without hoes and bitches?

Though that backfired when the phoney Britney couldn’t work out which box to tick.

Karzai’s main opponent then pulled out of a run-off election, leaving a vast number of disappointed imaginary voters.

But it turns out Britney didn’t really cast a vote – she was only miming.

Britney would’ve voted too, except the purple finger would’ve clashed with her lip gloss.

Hang on – remember “Toxic”? Middle-Eastern scales, Britney in a full body-suit, and as an airline hostess… she’s the true mastermind behind 9-11!

Corruptly enrolling Western pop princesses – it’s definitely a new way to counter the fundamentalist threat.

Well at least Britney’s better than their usual pop music – the Taliband.

*****

Zimbabwe President Robert Mugabe, for running a country with the worst inflation in history, while sending  out a birthday party wish list asking for 200 bottles of French champagne, 8000 lobsters, 4000 portions of caviar & more;

Then again, Zimbabwean lobsters are pretty small, pathetic-looking creatures.  You need a couple of hundred just to really get the flavour.

Sure, they ended up as lobsters.  But at the start of the meal they were shrimp.

And caviar in Zimbabwe isn’t the same as European caviar.  Instead of fish, they have to use blowflies.

But Zimbabwe’s such a bloody disaster area, you’d need 200 bottles of champagne just to drown your sorrows.

200 bottles of champagne seems fair enough – there’s a whole lot of sorrows to drown in Zimbabwe.

Though Opposition Leader Morgan Tsvangirai was allowed to serve. / even allowed an extra helping of gruel.

Well, if he paid in advance it was an absolute bargain.

He also ordered a spate of birthday bashings.

It was the Zimbabwe version of a stimulus package.

But he only had a medium-sized slice of cake.

And he ordered a huge cake made out of the skulls of opposition supporters.

If only the starving populace could be fed with lobsters, caviar and champagne.  If only.

*****

And the former Howard govt., who thought Sol Trujillo was the right amigo to run Telstra.  $31 million later, Sol pissed off, stopping only to call us racist & backward.

Sure, we’re racist and backward – but we still need a telephone that works.

How dare he call us racists!  I mean, we weren’t even wearing blackface yet!

31 million dollars seems like a lot of money, but he deserved it.  After all, he works so hard in those Mario games.

Well, maybe we are racist. Or maybe he was just an incompetent boob. See, we can be sexist too!

But we were wrong to make fun of Sol’s Mexican heritage. We should instead have been making fun of his incompetence, arrogance, and inability to laugh at himself.

Yeah, well, what would a bloody yank know about anything? They’re all bloody STUPID.

Turns out Sol can’t take a little racist jibe. Typical Mexican.

Sol says Australians are racist since they kept pillorying him as a Mexican when he’s really an American.  He HATES Mexicans.

Sol said that coming to Australia was liking stepping back in time 30 years. If only. Then Telstra would have been merely subject to governmental incompetence.

Leave a Reply